Stop punishing your kids because it doesn\’t work! What you need is this 5-step action guide…

Children are children and they will always do wrong things. Do they need to be punished? How to give children a chance to self-reflect and correct? In life, we tell our children a lot of \”no\’s\”: don\’t lie on the floor, don\’t say bad words, don\’t yell… Or we say a lot of \”musts\”: be polite, take breaks on time, do your homework on time… But the child will definitely not listen to us completely and always does something wrong or inappropriate. Should we punish him at this time? Many parents believe that the way to curb misbehavior is through punishment. \”If we don\’t punish them, will they not go to heaven?\” \”If we don\’t punish them, how will the child know that he has done something wrong and will not do it again in the future?\” \”I punish him, because only in this way will he understand that he has done something wrong. .\” Although we recall being punished when we were children, and our hearts are filled with negative emotions such as hatred, revenge, resistance, guilt, self-pity, etc., we still dare not give up punishing our children easily. Because we worry: \”If I never punish the child, then the child has the final say in everything?\” \”This makes the parents so weak. Won\’t the child become even more lawless in the future?\” Someone is consulting the famous child psychologist Hai Mu. Dr. Ginot asked a similar question – \”Under what circumstances is it appropriate to punish children who ignore or resist their parents? Don\’t children need to be responsible for their bad behavior?\” Ginot Dr. Te\’s answer is: Children need to experience the consequences of their bad behavior, but they do not need to experience punishment. Even if children disobey adults\’ wishes again and again, there is no need to punish them. Because punishment itself does not work, on the contrary it is a distraction. Children should feel sorry for their actions and think about how to make amends, but punishment fills the child\’s heart with a desire for revenge. In other words, by punishing children, we deprive them of the process of self-reflection on their own mistakes. Punishment often only quickly stops a child\’s bad behavior on the surface, but it does not help him fundamentally realize the error of his behavior and find solutions to correct his behavior. For example, the child below did not perform well in school. His mother punished him not to watch TV this week, thinking that he would admit his mistakes and correct them. But in fact, some children will think this way…or take a chance…or feel sorry for themselves… If we want to encourage children to act responsibly, we should not regard them as troublemakers and punish them simply and roughly, but should They act as active participants in problem solving. Sit down with your child and figure out how to solve the problem together. So how to guide children specifically? The following five steps are a good guide: Step one, listen to and respond to your child\’s feelings and needs. Don\’t criticize the child prejudgmently, give him a chance to speak first, so that we can understand the real reason for his inappropriate behavior. At this time, don\’t comment on what he says and encourage him to express all his feelings. When the child has finished speaking, summarize his point. The second step is to express your feelings and needs. It\’s best to express it simply and clearly. No.Three steps, invite children to find solutions together. Step 4: Write down all your ideas without commenting on whether they are good or bad (if possible, let your children do it first). Step 5: Pick out which ideas you don’t accept, which ones you accept, and how you plan to execute them. Finally, shake hands for the consensus reached. Just these 5 simple steps can help us replace punishment and find better ways to modify our children\’s behavior. However, even with detailed action guidelines and we reached a consensus with our children, the solution was only implemented for a period of time, and then it stopped working and the child returned to his old ways. What should we do? Faber and Mezlich say this was an opportunity to test the resolve of our parents. Of course we can continue to do what we did before, preaching and punishing, or we can start all over again. No matter what we choose, we must understand that education is a slow, step-by-step process, and no matter how perfect the plan is, it will not be permanent. This plan may work when the child is 6 years old, but may not work when the child is 7 years old. Life is a continuous process of adjustment and re-adjustment – as parents we must constantly deal with new problems. It is better to teach a man to fish than to teach him to fish. Finding solutions together with your children can teach them how to deal with the problems they face in their current family life and how to cope with the more difficult and complex world in the future.