Stop saying this! It will destroy the child and it will destroy you

Before you start reading this article, please take 10 seconds to think about it, do you have such a spoken language? \”If it weren\’t for you, I would have…\” \”If it weren\’t for him, I wouldn\’t…\” This sentence pattern can be transformed into countless sentences: If it weren\’t for you, I would have divorced your dad long ago. If I hadn\’t given birth to you and raised you, how could my figure be like this? If it weren\’t for this family, I wouldn\’t give up my career… This is the saying of many mothers. I say it when I am quarreling with my husband, when my children are being naughty and driving me crazy, when I am doing endless housework, when I realize that my appearance is getting older… When I say it, I say it with hatred and full of resentment. It\’s aggrieved, and even has a sense of noble self-sacrifice… The implication is that if it weren\’t for the children, the mother would not have \”reduced\” to the current situation. It\’s all because of you that I\’m like this. I have no choice. Every word we say reflects our inner feelings directly or subtly, especially the spoken words that are often spoken on our lips are a reflection of the subconscious. What is the meaning behind this colloquial saying? ——My current situation is all caused by you. You have to be responsible for my life, and you have to repay my kindness to be worthy of my efforts. Going deeper, what kind of person likes to say this sentence? People who dare not take responsibility for themselves, people who are accustomed to relying on others, people who are afraid of choices and do not dare to bear the consequences of their choices. In short, a person without ego. They are used to letting others decide their lives. This other person can be a parent, a lover, a young child, a friend, or even an unrelated passerby. Then I acted like I was forced and helpless, I had no choice, it was all forced on me by \”others\” – if it wasn\’t so and so, how could I do this? Sometimes he plays the innocent \”victim\” – forced by others, and sometimes he takes the moral high ground – all for you. It seems that all the benefits are taken, but in fact, it is misleading others and yourself. Look at the mothers who often say this saying. How many of them are happy? How many of you feel you are happy? More of a look of resentment, always indignant, as if everyone else owed her something. Many people, after becoming mothers, are actually still children at heart. Before getting married, they can put all the responsibility on their parents: You asked me to do this, so I married him. I chose this job because of your words. After getting married and having children, it is natural to transfer the responsibilities to the children and husband. People who often say this sentence may wish to think about it: if you had no children, if you were not married, if you could go back in time, what would your life be like? It probably won\’t be anything like that. If we no longer have children or family as excuses, we will find other people and other things as excuses. A few years ago, I wanted to make a bigger decision, but I was always hesitant. Every time I want to make a resolution, a thought pops up: If I do this, my family will be affected. Therefore, it’s all because of this family that I can’t do what I want to do! Thinking like this gave rise to a lot of grievances and resentments, as well as a sense of sacrifice for the family: Look, how responsible I am. I gave up my own reasons for the sake of this family.think. These emotions inevitably show up in daily life, and over time, the emotions of family members are also affected. Dad Chengzi had a long talk with me and told me not to think so much about my decision and how he planned and arranged it, so that I could relieve my worries and do what I wanted to do boldly. Okay, now I should put down my burden and move forward bravely, right? not at all. I\’m still struggling, and it\’s getting more painful. I just discovered that the so-called \”for this family and for the children\” were all excuses – the most majestic and justifiable excuses. With these excuses, I can confidently refrain from making changes and still want my family to be grateful. Now, the excuses are gone and I can only face my heart. Only then did I realize how fearful and anxious I felt when faced with the unknown and choices. This feeling is so painful that many people choose to close their eyes and turn their heads and choose to escape. I also realized from this: We are too accustomed to making excuses, looking for a high-sounding and moral excuse, and then acting like we have no choice but to endure the humiliation. In fact, it is to avoid choice, avoid responsibility, and avoid growth. Give up the choice of your destiny and let others bear your destiny. But actually, this is also a choice. And, whether you like it or not, you will ultimately bear the consequences of this choice yourself. And this consequence often puts you in a very passive position. Losing control of your own life, you can only let life take its course. \”It\’s all because of you…\” Frequent utterances like this will not only make you unmotivated and waste your life, but will also have a profound impact on your children. Because there is an implicit condemnation in this sentence: I did everything for you, but you did not meet my expectations, you let me down. If you often say this sentence, your child will feel guilty – it\’s all my fault, it\’s all because of me, my mother is like this. \”I\’m not good, I\’m so bad!\” Over time, this kind of self-evaluation will be internalized in the child\’s heart, resulting in a low sense of self-worth. Whenever you encounter a little problem, you will arouse this inner voice and habitually attribute the responsibility to yourself for not being good enough. My friend didn\’t take the initiative to say hello to me – is it because I\’m not good that he doesn\’t like me? I\’m just too stupid, so I can\’t study well. My mother was so sad because I was disobedient. …How can a person who is always condemning himself be happy? In addition to self-blame, there is another result – children also learn to shirk responsibility and blame others. When encountering problems, they all come down to the outside world: other people, society, luck… He will have countless justified excuses. Naturally, he also followed his mother\’s words: It\’s all because of you that I am like this. We will always meet such people in our lives. Whenever something goes wrong, there are always a lot of reasons to shirk and prevaricate. It\’s the leader\’s fault, colleagues\’ fault, friends\’ fault, the weather\’s fault. Anyway, it\’s not your responsibility. Even if the clothes they buy are not to their liking, they will complain that the shopping guide tricked me into buying them. People who are irresponsible and full of resentment will often avoid people after being exposed to them once or twice. It may seem that these two reactions are completely opposite, but in fact they are essentially the same. All in my bonesI have a low sense of self-worth and feel that I am not good enough. I often feel powerless when encountering problems, and I have no power to choose, change, and take responsibility. Reflecting on things, either attacking yourself is blaming yourself, or attacking others is blaming. Attributing the cause to the outside world avoids blaming yourself, which is a subconscious protection for yourself. No matter what the reaction is, this spoken word is like a curse, which has always been trapped in the heart of the child. Even when he grows up, he is still the child who is not independent, unhappy, and cannot find a true sense of power. Do you want your child to become like this? In psychology class, the teacher once said such a thing. On the weekend, she was invited to a company to provide psychological training to middle-level managers. Because it was the weekend, many people came reluctantly, but the company required them to come. Looking around the venue, the teacher could feel the students\’ passive resistance. How to reverse this situation? The teacher asked a student: \”Since you don\’t want to come to the class, why do you still come?\” The student was helpless: \”I don\’t want to come even on the weekend. But the company requires that you must come, and if you don\’t come, your bonus will be deducted. There is no way. , I have no choice but to come.\” The teacher asked: \”If you don\’t want to, you don\’t have to come to the class, and the bonus will be deducted. However, you still chose to come to the class between deducting the bonus and attending the class, right? Look? Come on, after weighing the pros and cons, you still made your choice. It’s not that you have no choice but to do this. This choice is not a passive compliance under the company’s pressure.” After hearing what the teacher said, the student was stunned, and the classroom It was quiet inside. These words obviously made everyone think: It turns out that I don’t have no choice. Coming here to attend the class is the choice I made myself! It\’s amazing, because of this, the negative and conflicting mood disappeared. The rest of the course went well. \”If it weren\’t for you…\” \”I couldn\’t help it…\” Stop it! When you can\’t help but think and say these sentence patterns, be aware of it. Are you using your children or others as excuses again? Do you really have nothing you can do? Are you really willing to be in a \”last resort\” situation and put your life on your children or others? Get rid of the victim mentality and realize that you have a choice. Even if you don\’t intend to change the status quo, it is your active choice, not something imposed on you by others. When you realize this, strength will arise within you. When you make choices according to your own wishes again and again, you will become stronger and more confident in your heart, and it will also affect your children in a subtle way. Independence, self-confidence, and taking responsibility for oneself are not things that can be taught through reasoning or forced upon children. They are learned by children from your words and actions. This is true growth. Instead of blaming others, letting the child repeat his fate amidst complaints and accusations.