Strictness and severity, who is the culprit of psychological shadow?

I\’m most afraid of psychological shadow. Some time ago, a mother told me that her child was about to go to elementary school and asked him to pack up his toys. Sometimes he couldn\’t collect them all, or they didn\’t put them neatly, and he would procrastinate, so he asked him to help. Housework is also not satisfactory, and the usual work and rest time is irregular. Judging from the quality of the children\’s work, the study and homework in primary school are not very optimistic. If the mother follows her original intention and is stricter with her child, she believes that the child is capable of doing better. However, I dare not make demands on my children because I am afraid that because of my excessive strictness, my children will have psychological shadow when they grow up. Yes, as a parent, you must have heard many stories about psychological shadows, and you may even be the protagonist. Maybe it’s a teacher, maybe a parent, maybe some important other person in our life, which casts a heavy shadow in our lives that lingers. I once heard a person who passed level 8 piano say that he never wanted to touch the piano again in this life. When he saw the piano, he thought of the boredom of practicing piano in childhood, and the pain of her mother slapping the back of her hand every time she played the piano wrongly. . I also have this kind of psychological shadow. I once wrote that when I was in junior high school, I met an English teacher who cursed people in class almost every day, and his words were so harsh that every student fell silent. In my memory, there was a kind of aura permeating the classroom. The atmosphere of white terror. After finally graduating, I switched to Japanese, thinking I was done with this period. However, this bad memory is always stuck with English. I have vowed several times that I will learn English again, and I really swear, but in the end I was defeated by this feeling. Learning English has almost become a joke. My best friend often teases me calmly: Hey, do you want to learn English again? The annoying thing about psychological shadow is that it is almost a high ground that reason cannot occupy, and it is completely unreasonable. For example, the moment I came into contact with English, the feeling of terror and disgust would permeate my heart. I know the source of this feeling very well, but it is very difficult to peel it off. Lost all enthusiasm for learning. Having had a similar experience myself, I can particularly understand this mother’s concerns. I think there must be many parents who, when faced with the issue of whether to be strict or not, will be torn between reality and hope. Strict or severe? I carefully considered the mother\’s predicament and said to her: If we ignore the psychological factor for the time being and just follow your heart and impose strict requirements on your children, can you really do it? The mother\’s instant reaction was: What\’s so difficult about this? I continued: Are you sure you can do it? During this process, would you feel frustrated if your child simply ignored your strict requirements or was perfunctory? Do you feel sorry for your children? Will you lose your temper with him? I paused and said to the mother: Actually, the current state is not the natural state of the child, but that you have made countless demands and lost your temper with your child before you stumbled and barely managed to achieve it. s level. The mother thought for a while and said: Indeed, I have been competing with my children in the past few years, so to speak, my management efficiency is really low. I thought at the time that I should just say what was hurting me, so I said to her: Judging from the state of your relationship with your children, even if you manage your children with ease, it would not be called strict, but harsh at best. This mother was confused by me. After discussing \”strictness\” for a long time, how did it become \”strictness\”? So, I talked about my personal distinction between these two commonly used words. Of course, this is not the definition in the dictionary, but based on my own understanding of education. Strictness means high standards and high requirements, but it only applies to things, not people. When the other person cannot do it, reflect on your own behavior and improve your management methods. The focus is still on how to achieve the goal, but you will not be angry or dissatisfied with the person because of it. Strictness means high standards and high requirements, but you are also right to things and people. When the other party cannot do it, they will feel frustrated and angry, and may even punish the other party. Because of the lack of methods, the goal may not be achieved in the end. In many cases, parents’ starting point is to be “strict”, but during the implementation process, once the children do not cooperate, they will be helpless, and then feel frustrated and angry, and sometimes use tantrums to force the children to do things. Once these negative emotions are added to the process, expressing dissatisfaction and anger towards the child becomes \”strict\”. It is not difficult to see from this that it is usually severity, not strictness, that leaves a psychological shadow and makes children fearful. Strictness is a kind of ability. Sometimes, we are afraid of strictness and avoid strictness. Strict is even considered a negative word. In fact, all good things are based on high standards, and there is a strict temperament hidden in them. For example, when it comes to housework, within my observation range, most children do less. In this case, it is indeed easier when I was a child. However, when one day the children go out to study and live independently, this difference will immediately appear. Children who are well-trained can arrange their lives in an orderly manner, while children who are not good at doing housework can only live in chaos. Of course, these are two living conditions, and the latter is not wrong, but it greatly affects the child\’s life experience. Nowadays, many people dare not make demands on their children, as if they do not have enough respect and understanding for their children. In fact, there is no conflict between strictness and respect for understanding. What we should really avoid is severity and roughness. What we need to think about is: How to achieve true rigor? I often think of an old professor when I was studying. Every time I mention him, everyone says that the quality of his students is very high. I\’ve always been curious about how he did it? Usually, the process of training students in universities is similar. For example, at the graduate level, tutors will make book lists for students, have weekly group discussions, and ask students to write a paper every once in a while. I found that the old professor\’s method was the same, and there was nothing special about it. But as time goes by, the difference becomes more and more obvious. Some tutors have many students, and they are also involved in various affairs. The students did not complete the tasks, and eventually the matter was left alone. Under this old professor\’s tutelage, it was impossible to muddle through. He participated in group discussions almost every week, paid attention to each student\’s reading progress, and marked the papers extremely carefully.Students\’ papers must not be treated with a careless attitude towards their studies. If a student randomly puts together a paper and submits it, when the old professor returns the article to him, he will be ashamed: the article is covered with dense revisions, and even the punctuation marks have been changed one by one. However, being strict does not mean being cold-faced. On the contrary, the old professor is kind-hearted and has a kind face. He never criticizes students when they do not do well enough and always teaches them in a follow-up manner. Although he is very demanding, students respect him. I think he clearly distinguishes between people and things, and is truly gentle with people and firm with things. Although he does not criticize or accuse, his lack of compromise is a powerful force in itself. Whenever I think of this old professor, I sincerely sigh: Strictness is a kind of ability, and it is not that easy to achieve. This is true for adult students, but it is even more difficult for young children. I personally believe that there are at least four conditions for being strict: finding the boundaries of the child\’s abilities, being able to accept things that go against expectations, treating things differently than people, and coming up with enough solutions. A good educator will find the boundary of a child\’s ability through repeated observation and speculation. If he makes demands on the child beyond this boundary, it will be too much. We can make demands, but children may not necessarily respond. At this time, only parents who can accept things that go against their wishes can avoid angry reactions and avoid falling into harsh traps. No matter what the child does, our attitude towards the child will not be shaken. This is extremely difficult, which means that parents have an independent understanding of their children deep in their hearts, and this understanding will not change because of a certain behavior of the child. . When asking children, we need to have enough coping methods to face their various reactions in order to ultimately achieve our goals. We often care about how to develop good habits in our children. In fact, being strict is the easiest way to form good habits, but being strict is not. Strict parents have the least amount of negative emotions and win the maximum respect from their children. This is also the communication method that is least likely to cause confrontation. Therefore, children can more smoothly internalize strictness into their own standards and requirements and develop self-discipline. I also evaluated the way my parents treated me. They were neither harsh nor strict. Generally speaking, I grew up in a relatively relaxed environment. If I must describe it, I think they treated me lightly. indulgence. Suppose life gives me a chance to choose again. Among the options of severity and mild indulgence, I will still choose mild indulgence. But given the choice between mild indulgence and strictness, I would choose strictness without hesitation. Why would I choose to be strict? Judging from my personal experience, even a slight indulgence has created too many difficulties for my growth. For many years, I always failed to achieve the quality I hoped for, and was often overwhelmed by feelings of chagrin, frustration, and dissatisfaction. There was nothing relaxing about it. On the contrary, in recent years, I have set higher and higher demands on myself, and the result of strictness has made me feel more satisfied with myself. If we want our children to live a quality life, then strictness is the smooth path.