Teach children how to adjust their mentality and handle emotions correctly

My name is Yang Xue, and I am currently a full-time mother. There is a 13-year-old boy, Lin Yang, who is in the second grade of junior high school. Recently, I often hear friends around me complaining that their children have become rebellious and irritable after entering junior high school, but I have rarely encountered similar problems. All of this stems from a decision I made two years ago. I think back then, I was a truly strong woman. The child was just one month old, and I couldn\’t wait to return to the big city to work, leaving my son in my hometown to take care of my parents-in-law. In the blink of an eye, more than 10 years have passed, my son has grown to be 11 years old, and my career has been making rapid progress. In the eyes of others, I have an annual salary of one million and am a sure winner in life. Until a WeChat message woke me up. EQ Gate: How to Raise Children with High Emotional Intelligence [US] Shapiro, Shi Meihua PDF download My cousin’s sister-in-law posted a video to the family: In front of a fruit stall, her son Lin Yang blushed and hunched his neck towards his mother-in-law. Roaring: \”Why can\’t I play when others can play? I want it!\” As he said this, he snatched the phone from his mother-in-law\’s hand regardless. The nearly 70-year-old mother-in-law shrank back and hid in the crowd. But the son lost control completely and roared and hit the telephone pole. Seeing this, my heart clenched and I quickly booked a flight home. Unexpectedly, the next day, when my son saw me, it was like meeting a stranger. He glanced at me and went to brush his teeth, which made me furious. Later, after he went to school, my mother-in-law told me that Lin Yang had quarreled with them in the street more than once or twice. In the past few years, he wouldn\’t leave without buying anything; now, whenever something doesn\’t go his way, he yells and loses his temper. When I heard this, my heart sank. I knew that a child who cannot control his emotions has no future. I can\’t let Lin Yang become useless like this, I want to help him change. However, things didn\’t go smoothly. I moved him to my home in the county town. On the same day, Lin Yang gave me a slap in the face: doing homework was like a group fight, and the sound of throwing things was heard frequently in the bedroom. I opened the door and asked what was going on, and he said: I can’t do it, so what’s wrong with it! Lin Yang was originally very interested in the puzzle I brought back from Beijing. But after reading the instruction manual for about ten minutes, before I could figure it out, I dropped the thing and said impatiently: I don’t want to play anymore, what did I buy? I said a few more words, and he threw things harder and yelled at me: \”Since you were a child, you have always known how to give me money, and you have never cared about me. It\’s too late to care about me now!\” Looking at the grumpy eyes, My heart aches for the naughty Lin Yang. Where has that little angel gone who was so obedient and responded to everything I told him? Is it really wrong that I have been busy working hard for my career for so many years? Now that the matter has come to this, I know that if I don’t do something, my son will really be useless. So, I made a decision that shocked many people: I resigned and went home to be with my son. First, I need to find the source of my son’s bad temper. Because I always believe that my once well-behaved and docile son is still there, but it was just the torrent of time that separated him and me for a short time. Sure enough, an incident at the weekend confirmed my thoughts: I took my son back to my parents-in-law\’s house for dinner. Lin Yang thought the noodles were too salty and said he wouldn\’t eat them as soon as the bowl was put away. His mother-in-law always doted on him, so she immediatelyI have to go to the store to buy him another meal. The father-in-law couldn\’t see it and shouted: \”You are used to it. You can eat it or not. Boys are picky eaters!\” When Lin Yang heard this, his temper also rose: \”Yes, yes, you can\’t stand it no matter what I do!\” Then he kicked the stool hard and went back to the room to play games. The way my son and his father-in-law broke up on bad terms left a deep impression on me. It was also at this time that I realized: many times, it’s not that the child has to lose his temper, but that no one around him has ever guided him on how to express negative emotions. mood. Behind the anger and irritability, what is actually hidden is the deep powerlessness and sadness in the child\’s heart. Because of this, I became more determined in my thoughts. I wanted to see the difficulties in the child\’s heart and let the once lovely son come back to us again. Then I started to manage my emotions. In this way, when Lin Yang loses control, I will have enough energy and determination to catch him. At that time, I read a lot of books related to emotion management, and started to follow it little by little. I first posted an emotional arousal chart on the wall of my living room. In this way, when emotions are out of control, you can quickly mobilize your reason to identify emotions and restore calm. It was also from that time that I started trying to keep an emotional diary. Once, I used my mobile phone to help my son check his homework. As a result, the phone suddenly became stuck and the power button didn\’t respond after pressing it for almost 5 minutes. I was obviously impatient. So I took out my notebook and started writing: Just then, my son came over and took a curious look at my notebook. Although I was a little embarrassed, I still let him read it. After a period of time, I obviously felt that my mentality was much better. Even if Lin Yang threw something or yelled at me, I would not be annoyed by him. Lin Yang was obviously not used to my reaction. But the amazing thing is that every time he feels that no matter how noisy he is, I can catch him steadily, he will gradually calm down. But I know that this is just the starting point to help my child manage his emotions. I also need to teach him to handle his emotions correctly and truly become the master of his emotions. John Gottman, the author of \”Raising Children with High Emotional Intelligence\” believes that if you want to raise children with high emotional intelligence, parents must play the role of emotional coaches. When children express emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear, they do not fear it, let alone ignore it, but feel it. They treat their children\’s negative emotions as a part of life and use emotional moments as opportunities to teach their children important life lessons and build closer relationships. This perspective refreshed my understanding, and soon I began to practice according to his method. 1. Treat every emotional problem as an opportunity to enhance parent-child relationship. One Friday afternoon, the head teacher called me and said that Lin Yang had a fight with the music teacher at school. The reason was that when he was talking in class, the teacher asked him to get up and make him stand. Unexpectedly, he suddenly became furious, kicked the stool over violently, and muttered: They also told me why they only asked me to stand up. If it had happened before, I would have been extremely panicked, but that day I was very calm. I kept reminding myself that problems are gifts, an opportunity to deepen my emotional connection with my son. After my mentality changed, not only did I no longer feel irritable, I even felt a little excited. Imagine that the problem is solved, the smile on the child\’s face will make me more determined to help the child solve the problem. 2. Help children express emotions. John Gottman once said: The process of labeling and recording emotions is also a process of helping you define and accept emotions. However, children are prone to ambiguity when expressing their emotions, so at this time, we as parents are in great need of help. Later, my son locked himself in his room as soon as school was over and said nothing to me. Half an hour later, I knocked on the door and went in. I said to him in a very gentle tone: Tell your mother what happened today. The teacher called on you and asked you to stand up. Do you feel angry? Because you are not the only one speaking. The son nodded, and then continued: \”It\’s very aggrieved, and it\’s not fair at all. The classmates in the two rows in front of me were mumbling for the whole section, and he didn\’t let them stand up. Why did he target me alone?\” \”After saying this, the son\’s frown slowly relaxed, as if he had taken a deep breath, and his whole body relaxed. 3. Acknowledge the child’s emotions. I quietly watched Lin Yang vent his emotions. I did not criticize him for what he did wrong, nor did I accuse him of talking back to the teacher. Instead, he said to him: I understand. My mother also encountered this situation when she was a child. She felt so wronged at that time that she still resented the teacher until school was over. I want my child to understand that any emotion he has is normal with me. Then, I saw my son’s eyes were red and there were tears in his eyes. I walked over to him, held him in my arms, and let him cry freely. In the past, when I saw a child crying, my first reaction would be to stop it. But now, I understand that expressing emotions is the first step to managing them. 4. Set boundaries and solve problems. When the child gradually calmed down, I opened my mouth, and my tone was still gentle: I understand your anger and grievances, but mom hopes you know that emotions are not good or bad, but the way to express them is. Distinguish the pros and cons. Next time we feel wronged and sad, can we stop kicking the stool? Talking back to the teacher in class is not respecting the teacher enough. Is there a better way? Then, I shared with him the three areas of emotional expression proposed by John Gottman: green area: behaviors that are expected and recognized; yellow area: behaviors that are not recognized, but under special circumstances, adults can choose to be tolerant; Red Zone: Behavior that will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Then I told my son, Mom wants you to move towards the green area. Next time something like this happens, can we handle it in a better way? When a child is fully accepted, he will know that no matter what, he is safe and deserves to be loved and cared for. This will inspire him to recognize himself in his heart and then have the courage to face difficulties. Later, the son\’s tone softened significantly. He admitted that he was wrong and discussed with me for a long time what he was going to do if we encountered this kind of situation again. I thought this matter was over, but it wasn\’t. The next morning, Lin Yang handed me a notebook. On paper, he vented his anger towards the teacher and analyzed his psychology at the time. Finally, he wrote: It\’s amazing. After writing, I felt so calm. My son’s growth surprises me, especially the moment when he finally raised his head and smiled at me, I felt that all the money, fame and fortune that I had given up at the beginning were worth it. A month later, the teacher called, her voice cheerful and a little excited: Lin Yang’s mother, your child has made great progress recently! In the past, I would quarrel with my classmates every now and then, and contradict the teacher whenever I disagreed. Now I am much more humble and polite. Even his deskmate said that Lin Yang seemed to have been cast a spell and changed into a different person. Recently, he even started asking her for math questions. After hanging up the phone for a long time, I still couldn\’t calm down. As an old mother who has been with her son through many trials and tribulations, not only was I happy when I heard these words, but I also felt like I had seen all the tiredness and struggles in the past. Emotional problems are a concern for many parents of boys. Especially when I meet a child like my son who is so \”difficult\” that it makes people question their life! Because of this, it is not easy to recall the path we have traveled, but it is not only gratifying. However, I am still grateful for this time. I remember a mother, when asked why she cherished her daughter’s sad moments so much, said: I need to be by her side to tell her that everything will be fine, that she can overcome this problem and even gain more. I also hope that parents who, like me, have been or are currently tormented by their children’s bad moods, will take this sentence to heart. All questions are gifts and valuable experiences in disguise. Click \”Looking\” and let us lead our children to accept and control their emotions, so that they can be rational and brave at all moments in life.