The art of effective communication with children determines his inner temperature

\”I worked so hard to raise her. Is it easy? Why is there no human touch at all?\” my best friend complained to me yesterday. I guess she had another conflict with her daughter. The most effective complete set of video courses on parent-child communication and coordination. My bestie is in sales, and her daily job is to sell products door to door or make phone calls to potential customers. During the epidemic some time ago, the company\’s performance dropped drastically. After resuming work, the boss put more pressure on them. My best friend was particularly stressed. When I come home every day, I am exhausted both physically and mentally. I just want to find a hole in the ground and curl up. However, when her 10-year-old daughter sees her come home, she either asks her to take her out shopping, or walks around the neighborhood, or chatters in her ears non-stop. My best friend asked her daughter to be quiet and let her rest for a while. The daughter said, \”But, I just want you to play with me.\” After hearing this, the best friend forcibly pushed her daughter out of the room and locked herself inside. Unexpectedly, my daughter actually kicked in the door. When my best friend called me, she almost cried and said: \”My daughter is my mother\’s little cotton-padded jacket. How come such a big girl doesn\’t know how to feel sorry for her mother!\” When I got home, my voice was hoarse and I couldn\’t even drink my saliva. I just cooked for her and asked her to help. She was not willing to help. After finishing the meal, I threw the dishes and chopsticks aside and didn\’t care about anything. I almost begged her to let me rest for a while, but she didn\’t understand at all and even lost her temper…\” Someone It is said that the collapse of an adult occurs in an instant. The breakdown of a parent occurs probably in every moment spent with a child. Children who have worked so hard to raise are not only blind to their own hardships, but they don\’t even have basic compassion. After understanding, I thought of what psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: \”All problems are caused by problems in relationships.\” The influencing factors of relationships are hidden in every little thing in life, and \”communication\” is one of them. The most frequent and common. The way parents communicate with their children determines the child\’s inner temperature. Why can\’t a child raised with enthusiasm just not be warm? Let’s look back at a detail of the communication between my best friend and her child: my best friend is very tired from work and wants her child to be quiet and let her rest for a while, but the child asks her mother to play with her. If the child is indifferent and cannot hear the words \”Mom is very tired\”, then does the mother feel that behind the child\’s \”play with me\” is her loneliness and desire for companionship? Most of the communication between best friends and children is like this: the child says, \”Mom, I don\’t want to do homework\”; the best friend says, \”If you don\’t study hard, you will have no future.\” The child said, \”Can I watch TV for a while longer?\” My best friend said, \”I just watch TV all day long, and I agree to 10 minutes, but I have to time out every time.\” The child said, \”I don\’t like eating eggs\”; the best friend said, \”Children should not be picky eaters, eating eggs is good for the body\”… As everyone knows: children who don\’t want to do homework may be tired from writing, tired from studying, or have learning difficulties. ; Wanting to watch TV for a while, just like adults who can\’t put down their mobile phones; not liking to eat certain foods, maybe because of instinctive resistance, or maybe some kind of stimulation… Parents feel that their children can\’t see their tiredness, but they usually don\’t See the child\’s thirstRequest: I really need my parents to stay with me for a while, look at me for a while, pay attention to me, affirm me, or help me. Psychological research points out: \”Whether they are adults or children, they have two selves. One is like a baby self. They cry whenever they want. Communication during this period is ineffective because they only want to stay in their own world. ; and the other is the growing self, which is rational and sensible and willing to consider the other person.\” A child\’s self is often the former. How to lead them to their \”growing selves\”, parents must learn to get into their children\’s hearts. Take the matter of \”communication\” as an example. When a child expresses his or her thoughts, the parents either deny it or refuse to listen. This is equivalent to the child opening the door and inviting you in, but you slam the door without even thinking. It\’s turned off. Communication between people is never a unilateral output, let alone a \”reasonable\” competition. The core of communication should be like a bridge, connecting two hearts belonging to different subjects, so that you can see me and I am willing to see you. In this world, there are as many indifferent children as there are parents of \”inaudible\” children. Behind every indifferent child, countless basins of cold water have been poured on him. The heart that is not heard is like the person who lives in the refrigerator. There is a post on Zhihu with more than 13 million views: What causes children to no longer want to communicate with their parents when they are growing up? Several high-like responses with over 10,000 likes are as follows: \”When I was a child, my mother was afraid that I would catch a cold, so when she helped me take a bath, she would always use very hot water. Although my mother would test the water temperature every time she filled it, it didn\’t work for me. It\’s still very hot, and it hurts when I\’m burned. Every time I tell my mother, \”The water is too hot,\” my mother always says, \”I don\’t think it\’s hot at all. It\’s okay. I\’m getting cold after washing.\” One time, it was too hot. I was so hot that I cried. My mother was a little confused and asked me what was wrong. I told her, \’The water is too hot,\’ but my mother said, \’There\’s nothing to cry about.\’\” Netizen @ scientific research madman also listed his childhood experience: Saved I spent a lot of pocket money to buy a notebook I like and share it with my mother. But my mother asked: \”Where did the money come from? Is there so much money that there is no place to spend it?\” I went shopping with my mother and saw clothes I liked. When I asked my mother for her opinion, my mother denied that \”this doesn\’t look good\” and \”children have no aesthetic sense.\” . I read this sentence on the Internet: It’s not just the raised slap that hurts someone. The feeling of being ignored and denied hurts more than a slap in the face. When parents judge their children\’s behavior based on their own feelings, it is a kind of mental violence worse than a slap. In fact: Worrying about your child\’s health will not close the \”communication channel\” with your child; fearing your child\’s habit of spending money will not become a \”stumbling block\” to parent-child communication. What makes children unable to understand their parents\’ painstaking efforts is: \”I don\’t think it\’s hot\” is fine. It doesn\’t matter whether you think it\’s hot or not; there\’s no need to cry if you\’re burned; \”When you buy something, you\’re spending money indiscriminately\”, \”You \”Everything you fancy is bad\”, \”Your vision is too bad\”… Psychologist William Jim once said: \”The deepest need of human nature is to long for other people\’s needs.\”Appreciation, this is what distinguishes humans from animals. \”Children are the least \”defensive\” group in the world. What they need is never the responsiveness of their parents, nor is it centered on them, but emotional companionship, affirmation and response. The book \”Neglected Children\” The author of \”Emotional Neglect\” proposed the concept of \”emotional neglect\”: If parents neglect to accompany their children emotionally, do not respond emotionally when their children encounter major events, or neglect to provide emotional guidance to their children in a certain aspect for a long time, then. It can be said that parents are absent from their children\’s psychological growth, that is, emotional neglect. Children who suffer from \”emotional neglect\” in childhood will damage their self-esteem, emotions, and love for life. Good communication never requires skills. When I celebrate my 8th birthday, I am always asked, \”Mom, do you love me?\” and \”Mom, am I your little baby?\” Faced with an 8-year-old boy who is as crooked as a cat, I worry that he will grow up. When he became a \”sissy\”, he said to him: \”Boys should behave like boys, and don\’t act like a girl all day long. \”Obviously, it didn\’t work. Later, I thought about what the book said, \”Behind the child\’s words, there must be his needs.\” I reflected on whether he was too busy and neglected to accompany him during that time, which made him feel that \”his mother doesn\’t love him.\” \”. So, I said: \”Mom is too busy during this period and has no time to spend with you, but I always love you. \”However, it did not stop the storm of \”love me or not\”. Once when he was chatting with his family, his grandmother asked him if his birthday was coming soon and what gift he wanted. He looked at me and said nothing. At that time, I In hindsight, I realized that the problem might lie here. After returning home, I asked him if it was his birthday and if there was anything he wanted, but he didn’t dare to tell his mother. He paused and then said: \”I want to invite some classmates I come home to celebrate your birthday, but you are always busy. I\’m afraid you won\’t agree, and I don\’t want you to be too tired. \”At that moment, I couldn\’t answer the question. Since when did my little boy have such a little thought? Since when did I hurt the little boy\’s heart. From the time he was born, I started Learning parenting methods seems to have mastered the \”password\” of scientific parenting. As everyone knows, my children just let me go every time. The so-called \”empathy\” and \”seeing the needs behind\” and other skills are inseparable from inner seeing. and deep love. Really good communication does not require too many skills. Just let go of your inner fears and worries and communicate with love. When he violates his agreement with you, don\’t rush to accuse him of \”no \”Be trustworthy\”; but understand his disappointment when what he wants is abruptly stopped. When he makes unreasonable demands, don\’t rush to deny him; instead, recognize his needs from the perspective of human instinct and use real Let them make their own decisions depending on the situation. The essence of communication is love; the essence of love is a simple willingness to believe like a child. If you believe in your child, the door to his heart will always be open to you. Write at the end Do you often feel that it is so difficult to be a parent? In order to educate your children well, you, who have never read, have read dozens of parenting books; in order to give your children a good environment, you behave well and restrain your desires and emotions; In order to have a good relationship with your children, you who only watch TV dramas should watchThere are hundreds of videos on how to communicate… However, it seems that the children\’s naughtiness, resistance to learning, unreasonableness, stubbornness, etc. are not less at all. The core of education is always relationship; the essence of relationship is to truly put yourself in others’ shoes. The more you understand, the more compassion you will have. A complete set of MP4 eloquence training and communication skills courses that have influenced 100,000 teenagers. Parents who understand love can understand the \”behind the strings\” of their children. A child whose emotions are nourished seems to have a fire planted in his heart. Parents use seeing, listening, understanding and acceptance to ignite, so that they can grow into people with warm hearts, like sunshine, illuminating themselves and warming others.