The biggest disaster for a family is not poverty, but having these two types of parents

Problems in children often result from problems in the family relationship model. In particular, these two types of parent combinations are most likely to spoil their children. Strong mother + absent father = child who is tired of studying. Teacher Wu Zhihong once deeply analyzed a common family dilemma model: a family is often accompanied by an anxious mother and a father who is often absent, and in this environment Children who grow up and face many problems. In my personal consulting practice, I have also surprisingly discovered that the family structure behind nearly 80% of the cases of students who are tired of learning exactly fits this model. Not long ago, I came into contact with a typical case – a 14-year-old girl who was in the second grade of junior high school. She has suspended her studies for more than a month and is experiencing mild symptoms of depression. After in-depth communication, we learned that her mother had unusually high requirements for academic performance, and any slight mistake would trigger severe reprimands from her mother, or even emotional outbursts. And this girl has a sensitive personality. When faced with her mother\’s accusations, she will only cry silently and try to respond in tears, but she often gets further reproaches of \”Why don\’t you use this time to do more exercises?\” The mother\’s pressure is like a boulder, making girls bear heavy anxiety and tension when studying. Over time, this pressure turns into a deep resistance to learning. In the first semester of junior high school, whenever she thought about entering campus, she would feel physical discomfort, and nausea and vomiting became the norm. Even if he forced himself to go to school, he could not concentrate, and learning became an insurmountable obstacle. Through in-depth conversations with the girl’s mother, I realized that this is not just a problem about learning, but also a reflection of the ecological imbalance within the family. The father\’s frequent outings due to work have resulted in a long-term lack of paternal love in family life; poor communication and emotional alienation between husband and wife further deepened the mother\’s anxiety. She projected all of her personal value identity and dissatisfaction with her marriage onto her daughter\’s academic expectations, and her daughter\’s grades became her only solace. The father\’s absence not only failed to provide emotional support to the mother, but intensified her anxiety. This negative emotion spread like ripples, ultimately affecting and harming the innocent children. All this formed a vicious cycle, and it was the child who was supposed to grow up carefree who ultimately suffered all the consequences. Therefore, if we want to truly solve children\’s problems, we must start by adjusting the family structure and improving the family atmosphere. Only when the dynamics within the family are restored to balance can children find themselves in a healthier and harmonious environment and regain their enthusiasm and confidence in learning. \”There is no recipe for children\’s growth. There is only a stable and healthy soil provided by responsible parents.\” This soil must be where father\’s love is not absent and mother\’s love has boundaries. Participate in children\’s growth together, share each other\’s burdens, support each other, and refer to each other. Only when the most basic family relationship is stable can energy and motivation be transferred to children. Authoritarian father + powerless mother = helpless children In some families, although the father is not absent, they show an authoritarian and arrogant side when educating their children, and dominate family decision-making in a single-word manner. In such a family structure, the mother is often in a weak position.In a dominant position, he appears vulnerable and helpless. The consequences of this environment for children\’s growth are far-reaching. It leads to a distressing phenomenon: the father\’s direct attack on the child, and the child\’s vitality and vitality are gradually drained away when the mother is unable to provide protection. The movie \”Diary of a Young Man\” profoundly reveals this tragic story. The film focuses on a family of four. As a senior lawyer, the father not only controls the family\’s financial lifeline, but also plays a harsh and ruthless role in education. Especially for the eldest son, if his grades are unsatisfactory, there will be endless verbal humiliation, physical violence and corporal punishment. Faced with all this, the mother can only endure it silently, and even transfer her helplessness and anger to her children, saying such harsh words as \”If your father and I divorce, it will be because of you\”, which can neither stop the husband\’s violence, Nor can we give our children the understanding and comfort they deserve. When the eldest son confided to his mother about his fatigue and insomnia and longed for professional help, what he received was an indifferent response: \”You are distracted, not tired.\” This was undoubtedly another neglect and denial of his inner pain. In the end, the young man chose to commit suicide by jumping off a building in endless despair, ending his pain in an extreme way. The \”genius\” son in his father\’s eyes also gradually awakened in such a family atmosphere. He refused to continue to follow his father\’s expectations and arrangements, and chose a path that was very different from his father\’s expectations – becoming an ordinary teacher. As a silent rebellion against his father’s authority. Such a family environment is like a barren desert, in which children cannot feel any warmth or love, only fear follows them. This kind of continuous fear and oppression will push children to two opposite extremes: on the one hand, they may fall into deep self-doubt and attack, and eventually lead to depression or even suicide; on the other hand, they may also become Be extremely rebellious, venting inner anger and dissatisfaction outwards, forming an aggressive personality. A stable family structure is better than all education. Compared with various educational methods, it is more important to provide children with a stable family. Only when parents are stable can children have strength. How can we keep the family structure in a healthy state? Let me give you 2 suggestions. 1. Put the relationship between husband and wife first: There is an experiment in psychology to provide a harmonious environment. The researcher prepared three empty cups for parents, representing themselves, husband/wife, and children respectively. Then prepare a cup of water and ask them to pour it into three cups respectively. The results are without exception, the child’s water glass is the fullest. This shows that in most Chinese families, the relationship between parent and child is greater than the relationship between husband and wife. This is a very unhealthy family order. I often emphasize to my clients that we must first manage the partnership well. Only when partners have a harmonious relationship and provide each other with energy can they create good parents and make the family strong. Only with a stable family environment can children have a normal and healthy growth environment. Even if he is rebellious, he will not lose control. I really hope all of us parents can keep this in mind. 2. Parents stand their ground: give their children love with boundaries. The famous psychologist Jung said: Mother represents emotion, while father representsrules. Within the family, the role of parents is indispensable. Dads can better help their children grow and become independent, and enhance their children\’s mental toughness. Mothers can provide emotional support to their children, be their psychological containers, and bring them warmth. Without either side, it is easy to become imbalanced and have adverse effects on the child. At the same time, this love must have boundaries. In the daily process of educating children, we need to constantly reflect on ourselves: Is there too much control and no boundaries? Is the management too strict and often beaten and scolded? Is it too tight and strict? … When the father is in the father\’s position and the mother is in the mother\’s position, the child can fly with peace of mind. Take a look, as a parent, are you in the right position? 3. Mothers relax themselves: Inject psychological energy. Many mothers say to me: \”My husband just doesn\’t care about the children, what should I do?\” In this case, I usually suggest mothers to relax themselves. Many mothers bear the pressure of educating their children and fall into a state of anxiety. This kind of emotion, when transmitted to the child, will definitely consume the child\’s life energy. Mom, you can develop a life outside the home. Self-grow, self-heal, give yourself strength first, and then give strength to your children. An educator once said: \”A good family should be the strongest gas station for children. Good parents should be the most important source of energy for children.\” Family education runs through a child\’s life and affects the child step by step. The role of parents does not require perfection, but it must at least reach a passing level. There are no reference books on the road to parenthood, only constant exploration and learning.