The biggest flaw of Chinese-style family education: the better the relationship, the less likely you are to avoid suspicion.

In the traditional family concept, there has always been one thing: everything is prosperous when the family is harmonious. In the eyes of many people, harmonious family relationships are an important condition for a family to prosper and are also an important goal of family management. Everything will be prosperous if the family is harmonious, and there is nothing more important than harmonious relationships between brothers and relatives. If a family can have obedient children, close brothers, and friendly relatives, it will definitely be a good family that is praised throughout the country. However, having a harmonious relationship is certainly a good thing, but a relationship that is too close may not bring peace to the family, but may lead to family conflicts. Why do you say that? Because the closer the family relationship is, the less likely the members are to avoid suspicion. Not being able to avoid suspicion is the biggest shortcoming of Chinese-style families. In a family that does not know how to avoid suspicion, there are often excessive financial exchanges between family members. And these economic transactions are precisely the source of family conflicts. My friend Weixian once told me that he and his brother had a falling out because of money. Weixian and his younger brother grew up together and played very well. But after they started working, their relationship gradually changed. Weixian made a small fortune by doing business. When his younger brother saw that he had made money, he often asked him to borrow money, from once every two or three months to once every month to once every half month, with increasing frequency. , and never paid it back. Out of his elder brother\’s care for his younger brother, Weixian would never reject his younger brother, but after so many times, he still felt a little uncomfortable. Once, his younger brother came to him again to ask for money. He asked a few questions about why he kept borrowing money. As a result, his younger brother was furious: If you don\’t want to borrow money, you won\’t. Why ask so many questions! Weixian said to him: \”My money didn\’t come from the strong wind. I have no problem with you lending me money, but you shouldn\’t always borrow money.\” After hearing this, the younger brother said instead: \”We are all one family. What\’s wrong with you if I share mine with you?\” When Wei Xian heard his brother\’s words without any sense of guilt, he got angry and had a big quarrel with him. In the end, no one paid attention to anyone else. I believe that there are not many cases like Wei Xian\’s case of quarrels with relatives due to excessive financial dealings. Because in many Chinese families, there is a concept: If I have a good relationship with you, then I don’t need to avoid suspicion. I can use your things and spend your money as I please. It is this concept that leads to many family conflicts. As the saying goes: Talking about money hurts feelings. Appropriate material exchanges can enhance human relations, but excessive exchanges will have the opposite effect, even if you are relatives. The fact that two people are intimate does not mean that money can be shared. Learning to avoid suspicion and reducing financial contacts with relatives is the correct way to maintain family relationships. After all, financial dealings are the most likely to breed discord. Therefore, apart from emergency relief, there should not be too much financial exchanges between relatives. Many times, disharmony in a family stems from the mother-in-law\’s unwillingness to avoid suspicion. I once met a family where the couple lived with the parents-in-law. In the beginning, the relationship between the two generations was relatively harmonious, but due to differences in concepts and living habits, there would be some friction from time to time. Whenever there was friction, the mother-in-law would ask her daughter-in-law to listen to her. If she didn\’t, she would frown and talk until her daughter-in-law couldn\’t bear it. Gradually, the mother-in-law interfered more and more with her son and daughter-in-law., which also led to more and more conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and finally almost led to divorce. Why are more and more couples unwilling to live with the older generation? One is because of the need for privacy, and the other is to avoid suspicion. Just imagine, when you want to buy some flowers and plants to decorate your house, your mother-in-law comes out and says you are wasting money; you and your husband are used to hiring part-time workers to clean the house once a week to save time and energy for other things, but your mother-in-law says you don’t care about cleanliness; when you When the mother-in-law earnestly teaches the children not to make noise, the mother-in-law picks up a feather duster and threatens the children… In the family, if the mother-in-law does not know how to avoid suspicion and always likes to point fingers in the affairs of her son and daughter-in-law, she often gets conflict instead of surrender. Maybe the daughter-in-law would dare to be angry and dare not speak out because of her superiority to her elders, but no one would like to be interfered with every day. If the mother-in-law is always like this, cracks will appear in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and the relationship between husband and wife sooner or later. Zhou Guoping said in \”Man and Eternity\”: \”All interactions between two people have a final limit that cannot be crossed. This limit is not clear, but it is certain. All troubles and conflicts originate from unintentional attempts to break through. This is the limit.\” In interactions between people, we all need to avoid suspicion and avoid boundaries that cannot be touched. If you cross this line, you will get into trouble, whether it is your relatives or your mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It is up to the couple to decide how they live their lives, and no one should interfere at will. Moreover, the best relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not a superior-subordinate relationship of subservience, but a relationship of mutual respect as friends. Sometimes, for children, parents are the most important people in the family to avoid. In the minds of many parents, they are not only their children\’s elders, but also the people closest to them, so they take it for granted that I am qualified to intervene in their children\’s affairs, and I am doing it for his own good. The most typical one is Zhu Yuchen\’s mother and son who caused heated discussions some time ago. Zhu Yuchen is 39 years old, but Zhu’s mother still treats him as a teenager and stays with her to take care of his food and daily life. The refrigerator is always filled with prepared ingredients. She gets up at 4 a.m. every morning to make soup. She is afraid that her son will be injured and does not allow him to take part in the fighting scenes. She squats in her son\’s forum to vote for him. She copies her son\’s blog every day and interferes in every relationship of her son… …These are all contributions that Zhu’s mother willingly made. She wants to give her son a \”warm kitchen\” and a \”daughter-in-law who is a good wife and mother\”. In her heart, her son\’s happiness is the most important, and she is responsible for these. However, she never thought about her son\’s feelings. Zhu Yuchen painfully told her \”You will kill me if you act like this\” many times, but it failed to change the situation. Although parents love their children, if this love is excessive, it will cause stress and suffocation. Excessive love will cause children to misunderstand: my parents love to control me, my parents don’t trust me, my parents are stubborn, so they are not willing to understand me… The relationship between Zhu’s mother and Zhu Yuchen is like this. When people reach a certain age, they will want to live their own lives, and when children reach a certain age, they will also want freedom. When children grow up and have their own ideas, parents should learn to avoid suspicion. This way you can avoid the child from misunderstanding that you like to control him, and avoid overly heavy love. Parents\’ avoidance of suspicion is actually a kind of letting go, and the child\’sLet the children walk their own path. In Chinese social relations and human relations, two words have always been important: avoiding suspicion. Close relationships can bring popularity and many benefits, but overly close relationships usually go too far, causing people to suffer the consequences. Avoiding suspicion is actually hedging risks. Avoiding excessive intimacy also avoids many risks in human relationships. This is the key to maintaining family relationships. Xiong Peiyun once said in \”Freedom in the High Place\”: \”My truth is limited by your rejection. In the public domain, we protect society by compromising with each other; in the private domain, we protect ourselves by not interfering with each other.\” People\’s interactions, especially those between relatives, are often interfered with because of intimacy, crossed the line because of interference, and hurt because of the violation. The closer the relationship is, the more it is necessary to have a sense of boundaries, keep a distance, and know how to avoid suspicion, so as to protect both parties and avoid injury. I once read a saying that the root of all human suffering is the lack of a sense of boundaries. This is true for power boundaries, rule boundaries, and relationship boundaries. Therefore, in the family, please mind your own business, do not interfere in other people\’s affairs, and obey God\’s affairs.