The biggest misfortune of a child\’s childhood is that his parents always like to talk about this kind of thing

A few days ago, I went to a friend\’s house and happened to see her practicing piano with her daughter: \”I\’m wrong, I\’m not reading the music score!\” \”Hey, what\’s going on? The hand shape is collapsed again!\” \”Slow down, slow down. , don’t always grab the beat!” When my daughter plays a section, her friend will interrupt her, and when she plays another section, she will be criticized again. After several repetitions, the child was exhausted. From the beginning he was full of ambition, and later he was like a wilted cabbage, with his head drooped and silent. At this time, the friend was unwilling to give in and began to find fault with the child\’s lack of serious attitude towards learning: \”You said that you would back down after practicing for five minutes every time. It\’s so shameless. It\’s weird that you can practice well!\” A series of \”pickings\” ” + “Bash”, let the child go on strike completely, throw down the piano cover, and walk away angrily. Psychologist John Holt pointed out in the book \”How Children Learn\”: \”We should give him time to correct his mistakes and let him develop ability and confidence in the process of practice.\” The growth of children, It is a step-by-step process, inseparable from trial and error and detours. This is an inevitable process for individuals to mature. If parents only see stains and flaws on their children and lack the ability to appreciate beauty and advantages, it is easier to raise a child who dares not love themselves. The more \”choosy\” parents are, the poorer their children will be. Daniel Wegener, a social psychologist at Harvard University in the United States, once designed a famous experiment. He asked the subjects not to think about a white bear. As a result, everyone couldn\’t help but imagine a white bear. The more banned, the greater the backlash. This psychological phenomenon is called the \”rebound effect.\” Transferred to an educational situation, if a child keeps hearing \”This is wrong, that is wrong\” while practicing piano or engaging in learning activities, the instructions received by the brain will instead reinforce the wrong thing. As time went by, the impression of the white bear in my mind became more and more profound, and I couldn\’t get rid of it no matter what. Even when children subjectively want to avoid making mistakes, they will involuntarily fall into mistakes in their actions. The more alert you are to making mistakes, the easier it is to accumulate inner anxiety about mistakes and make more mistakes. Teacher Fan Deng once talked about a case in a lecture. His friend\’s children always make mistakes in their homework, and their mother will correct them harshly, and even yell at them because they lose control of their emotions. The result is obvious, the children\’s error rate is higher. The reason is that parents\’ criticisms occupy the child\’s mental bandwidth, causing part of his concentration to be used against the oppression and fear brought by his parents. The deviation of attention weakens the child\’s learning ability and falls into a vicious cycle of being pickier and worse. The more profound and lasting impact is the change in the child\’s way of thinking and self-perception. Every move a child makes and the feedback he receives from his parents always includes negative comments such as criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, and denial, will leave these words in the child\’s heart: \”You can\’t do it.\” These words, Like heavy boulders, they constantly compact the child\’s inferiority complex, solidify the child\’s self-perception, and define themselves as: I am not capable, I can\’t do it. Once a fixed thinking pattern is formed, the child\’s internal drive and development potential will be suppressed, and even he will be critical of himself and dare not believe in himself.Has. As psychologist Zhao Zhou said: \”If a child\’s brain is a sculpture, the feedback from parents is an ax and a chisel.\” Knives and axes are sharp, but if used improperly, they will cause the other person to bleed and suffer huge injuries. The calmer the parents are, the better their children will be. Compared with demanding parents who cannot tolerate a grain of sand in their eyes, those parents with a calmer and calmer mentality will be the lucky ones in their children\’s lives. In the \”Life Growth\” program, there is an interview with He Lingfeng, a doctor of psychology. I benefited a lot from watching it. He Lingfeng\’s daughter\’s math scores were very poor, and the teacher was helpless, so he decided to \”invite parents\”. After he came to school, he was questioned sternly by the math teacher for a long time: \”Have you checked your child\’s homework?\” \”The child made the same question wrong four times, why didn\’t you notice?\” Faced with the teacher\’s merciless lecture, He Lingfeng also felt very unhappy, but it still did not shake his \”calmness\”. When I got home, my daughter asked anxiously: \”What did the teacher tell you?\” \”Nothing. In your recent exams, the papers were neater, which means you have a much more correct attitude towards learning. I hope you will answer questions in the future. Reviewing more questions and checking calculations will improve your grades! \”\”That\’s all?\” \”That\’s all.\” This father with a big picture not only absorbs and resolves all negative emotions; he also uses words of encouragement, support, and trust. Sprinkle warm sunshine in my daughter\’s heart. The true meaning of education is never to correct a math problem or a typo, but to understand the power hidden behind things and penetrating into the hearts of children. Focusing on the details, but not limited to the smallest details, using greater wisdom and structure to control children\’s lives and not go astray is a high-quality education. It reminds me of the scene where Zhou Yijun, the director of the documentary \”Childhood in a Foreign Country\”, lost control after visiting Finnish education. When she saw the children and even the elderly who were immersed in painting in the studio, she couldn\’t help but burst into tears: \”Someone always told me that this is wrong and that is wrong.\” The inferiority complex in her bones was always revealed inadvertently. She felt a dull pain every now and then, which made her very painful; her parents\’ pickiness back then was like a sharp thorn that ran through her life. It is true that children\’s growth cannot be separated from the guidance of their parents. But these hands should be used to lift children\’s self-confidence and courage, helping them go further and become better; rather than criticizing and attacking, destroying their sense of security and confidence. Two key points to create more confident children, Dana Susskind, author of \”Parental Language\” said: \”A child\’s lifelong learning, behavior, and health are all based on a positive, mutually responsive, and courteous relationship with his or her parents. On top of that. “The way parents and children interact determines the child’s future. In every moment we spend with our children, we might as well consider and think more to create a more favorable environment for our children\’s growth. 1. Use process feedback instead of result feedback. Many times, parents are unaware that when faced with their children\’s problems, they eagerly use \”labeling\” methods to make negative comments. For example, if a child writes a wrong word and the parents immediately point out that it is wrong, it is a kind of feedback on the result of the behavior. This method of communication often causes the child to form a withdrawn mentality and a fixed mindset.Dimensional approach, believing that one\’s abilities are limited and unworthy of trust. Psychological research has proven that if parents can switch to another language and use more process feedback, they will create a child with a growth mindset who dares to work hard and accept challenges. In the same scenario, parents might as well say: \”You just wrote very seriously and worked harder than yesterday.\” This kind of encouragement and praise for inner qualities can stimulate learning motivation, focus more on self-improvement, and constantly optimize and change oneself. . 2. Use patience and tolerance instead of pursuing perfection. At the Oscars, the goddess Anne Hathaway was nakedly \”disliked\” by her mother. The glamorous Anne on the stage invited her mother sitting in the audience to speak, but her mother said: \”Baby, can you straighten your back.\” \”Okay, mom, please sit down.\” Anne was helpless and embarrassed. responded. It seems that no matter how perfect and outstanding a child is, parents always have a pair of eyes that detect \”ugliness\” and \”flaws\”. They are harsh and harsh, which is not conducive to the growth of their children. The best education for children should be to let them experience the love and cherishment from their parents. Patience and tolerance are the best interpretations of love. When a child makes a mistake, tell him it doesn\’t matter. We take our time and patiently accompany them to maturity and perfection, which is better than any nagging and pickiness. I read a sentence: \”It\’s actually a very cute thing for children to make mistakes.\” Some mistakes only appear in children. Only by accepting this unique \”cuteness\” and the stages of growth can we have a wonderful parent-child relationship. Relationships give him a solid sense of security. Teaching scholar Zhu Yongxin said: \”Education must first start with seeing children and letting children stand in the center of the stage.\” In the final analysis, children are the origin of education and the protagonist of the stage. Only by first understanding the child\’s heart can we find the key to opening the door to education. Don\’t make your children feel helpless, confused, and afraid with faults and harsh criticisms; instead, call for the breeze of love, gently caress your children\’s cheeks, give them solid arms to rely on, and let them sail bravely in the wind. For me, this is the duty of parents; for him, this is the best home.