The biggest sadness for a family: Parents ask for emotional value from their children

A few days ago, I was eating noodles downstairs. After a while, a mother and daughter came in and sat at the table next to mine. During the whole meal, this mother kept chattering to her daughter: You said that I am so tired from going to work every day, and I have to worry about you after work. It is really a hard life; can you use snacks to study? Look at your paper, you are wrong This is all wrong; I spent so much money on making up lessons for you, why do you think your grades didn’t improve? …The little girl opposite lowered her head and listened silently to her mother\’s words, and suddenly comforted her softly: \”Mom, don\’t be angry, I will try my best.\” \”Mom, eat quickly, the noodles are almost cold.\” After hearing this, her mother nodded with satisfaction. I nodded and said, \”Okay, you can do your homework first when you go home after dinner, and then I will give you a set of papers.\” I looked at the little girl. Although she looked very sensible and mature, she looked listless. , there was no smile on his face, and there was no light in his eyes. I can\’t help but think of the words of psychological counselor Professor Huang Shiming: \”The greatest sadness for a family is when parents ask for emotional value from their children.\” I think of the interaction between Dong Jie and her son in the variety show \”Mom is Superman\”. Dingding was playing happily with the children, but Dong Jie felt that she was ignored by her son. She got angry on the spot and said that if Dingding didn\’t come to her again, she would cry. Ding Ding was particularly embarrassed, but he didn\’t want his mother to see him cry, so he silently went up to the attic and cried secretly. Later, when she was trying on clothes, she acted coquettishly to Dingding and asked him to comment on whether he looked good. When Dingding showed a little absent-mindedness, she immediately became frustrated and quarreled… Not only that, Dong Jie also called Dingding daddy, and immediately became angry once she was unhappy. Transformed into an ignorant child, she needs to be coaxed. You know, Dingding is still a child and should have a carefree childhood. But he bears a burden that should not be borne at this age, and is forced to become a little adult to take care of and relieve his mother\’s emotions. This is the scariest thing about a family: the relationship between parents and children is perverted, and parents force their children to become their \”providers\” and constantly ask for emotional value from their children. Psychologist Professor Chen Mo once came into contact with a case of a college student. This boy is 1.8 meters tall and handsome, but his spirit has been depressed for a long time. He looks particularly depressed. After asking about his family situation, he learned that the boy\’s parents had divorced since he was a child, and he lived with his mother. From then on, he became my mother\’s only emotional support. His mother asked him to tell her everything and not to hide anything, otherwise she would morally kidnap him with negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and rage. From the age of 2 to 20, the boy was \”emotionally tortured\” by his mother for 18 years, and he became decadent. In a repressive family environment, mothers who lack energy will constantly seek emotional value from their children to fill their inner needs. In the long run, it will not only suck the child\’s energy, but also destroy the child\’s inner confidence and enthusiasm. I have seen many parents who require their children to obey instructions, listen to their own troubles, and blame and beat their children at will… This results in the children being cared for materially, but mentally hollowed out. Psychologist Chen Yu once mentioned a girl named Yu Xuan in \”The Ununderstood Boy\”. First year of high schoolFrom the beginning, she was extremely stressed, anxious and sensitive, and had severe mood swings. After an in-depth interview, Chen Yu learned that the pressure to speak loudly came not only from schoolwork, but also from family. Her father had an unhappy childhood, which resulted in him being surly, extremely emotional, and insecure. Before the high school entrance examination, his father enrolled Yu Xuan in a one-on-one assault class worth RMB 40,000, but Yu Xuan did not achieve the desired results. Because of this, her father not only sighed for several days, but even blocked her directly. Usually at home, her noisy parents often quarrel in front of her, arguing over trivial matters, which makes her feel breathless: \”My emotions are particularly easily affected by my parents. When they quarrel or are unhappy, I feel uneasy.\” My father\’s habitual cold violence and my mother\’s vulnerability and negativity, these emotional poisons have been spreading in this family. At only 15 years old, she had to stand up and try to control everyone\’s emotions and bring the family into a virtuous circle. For this reason, she did not dare to be willful and studied hard every day. She also spent a lot of energy observing people\’s behavior and trying to calm down the war at home. But after all, she was still a child, and she couldn\’t bear the heavy and incoming negative emotions at all. In the end, Yu Xuan became depressed and injured under the heavy pressure. He even dropped out of school in the first semester of high school and became a novice monk. Parents are supposed to be containers for their children, but bad parents not only have difficulty helping their children digest their emotions, but instead project their own emotions onto their children. This will only continue to consume the child\’s energy, and eventually the child will be overwhelmed and develop various psychological problems. When parents become the \”takers\” of their children\’s emotions, they will only make their children carry a heavy load while still shackles, and end up with bruises all over their bodies. British psychologist Bion said: \”The essence of a relationship is who is creating anxiety and who is accommodating and resolving anxiety and pressure.\” Ordinarily, parents should be the mentally mature party, the one who can withstand and resolve various emotions. But it is a pity that many parents are adults physically but are still giant babies mentally and need to ask for emotional value from their children. Truly mature parents should do the following: 1. Don’t treat their children as emotional “garbage dumps.” Writer Liu Jirong once said that she had been complaining in front of her son every day for more than a year: complaining about going to work. Her husband is away from home all year round, and she is tired from taking care of the housework. She felt much happier after saying that, but her son became negative and pessimistic at a young age. He once lamented: \”I don\’t have a sense of happiness. How can I laugh? Life is too bitter…\” If parents treat their children as emotional \” \”Garbage dump\”, it is difficult for children to live a positive and happy life. There is a very warm conversation in the picture book \”Can you stay home with me instead of working?\” The child asked: \”Mom, is it because of me that you work so hard?\” The mother replied: \”No, honey. Work is hard because work is hard, and no matter who does it, it will be hard. Just like lemons are sour, no matter who Every bite will make you feel sour. \”The adult world is always full of all kinds of fatigue, stress and pain. However, no matter how unsatisfactory life may be, parents should not pour negative energy onto their children. parenthoodThe greatest kindness is to create a positive, sunny, and loving family atmosphere for children. 2. Don’t transfer your anxiety to your children. In \”The Ununderstood Boy\”, there is a sixth grade girl named NG. My mother has always had a morbid obsession with her grades. After every exam, many parents would go around talking about how many points their children got, but NG’s mother came back and said, “I don’t dare to tell you that you got such a low score.” NG usually just plays with his mobile phone, or his score drops. , you will be ignored or insulted by your parents. For a long time, the girl not only suffered from depression and self-mutilation, but she once had an argument with her mother and even jumped from her room on the third floor. I have seen many parents impose their own expectations on their children in the name of \”for your own good\” and constantly pass on anxious and negative emotions to their children. But they ignored that the child, who was overwhelmed by the anxiety of his parents, was collapsing little by little. In the hit drama \”My Altay\”, Zhang Fengxia once told her daughter eloquently: \”What does it mean to be useful? You were not born to serve others.\” Under her mother\’s relaxed and calm attitude, her daughter Wenxiu also became more and more mature. The more confident you become, the more courageous you are to pursue your dreams. As a parent, you must not pass on your anxiety to your children. This will only double the pressure on your children and constrain their growth. 3. Self-empowerment and improving one\’s own energy. A friend once told her own experience: Her son started living in school in high school. She was worried every day and kept sending him messages, telling him to pay attention to his health and study hard. But her son was a bit rebellious in adolescence, and he was very busy studying, so he often ignored her. She felt that she was not respected and couldn\’t help but get angry at her son. The mother and son often started quarreling when they disagreed. Later, she decided not to focus on her son anymore. She went to and from get off work on time every day. When she got home, she would do yoga, watch TV dramas, and grow flowers, living her life to the fullest. I only talk to my son on the phone every day before going to bed to talk about interesting things that happened at school, and never mention his studies. As a month passed, the relationship between the two became better and better, and her son regarded her as a friend who talked about everything. Only by taking care of themselves first, recharging themselves from time to time, and improving their own energy can parents become a person with a stable core. In this way, we can better accompany the children\’s growth and bring warmth and positive power to them. I am reminded of a poem by Kahlil Gibran: Your children are not your children. They are children born from the desire of life itself. They came to this world with the help of you, but not because of you. They are by your side, but they are not. What you can give them that does not belong to you is your love rather than your thoughts… Every child is an independent individual and is not an accessory of his parents, nor should he become the emotional caregiver of his parents. Parents must take good care of their own hearts and let themselves become \”luminous bodies\” so that they can remain optimistic and positive and illuminate their children\’s lives. Like it and encourage parents together.