The child doesn\’t eat well? What you should and should not say

The issue of children\’s eating concerns every parent. Dee, a friend of Mr. Wang Huayun, a doctor of chemistry from the Chinese Academy of Sciences, a master of computer science from the University of Texas, and an expert in the United States, was very troubled because his daughter did not eat well, so he asked Mr. Huayun for advice. This article by Teacher Hua Yun is not so much about teaching us how to persuade our children to eat, as it is about teaching us how to communicate with our children. The same care, if different communication methods are used, will have very different effects. Dee: Have you seen how skinny my daughter is? She really doesn\’t like to eat. Now that I am in elementary school, I still have to worry about eating. Often the whole family has finished eating, and she hasn\’t taken the first bite yet. It\’s common to take two hours to eat. We spent four or five years but couldn\’t change her problems. Worried about her malnutrition. Now we beat her if she doesn\’t eat. The child is eating under our fists. No matter what, this is not a long-term solution! (After finishing speaking, Dee’s tears welled up in her eyes.) Hua Yun: I understand very well your fear of malnutrition and your love for your children. Can you tell us about the process of correcting the child? When the child does not change, you Have you ever tried to change yourself? Dee: Why didn’t you try it? I have tried all kinds of methods. I don\’t listen to what I say, I don\’t care when I get scolded, but beating really works. But beating her to force her to eat is never an option! Hua Yun: None of your methods work, and you can’t spank your child for food. Have you ever thought about giving up on changing her and changing yourself first? (Dee burst into tears and smiled, looking so surprised.) Dee: You are so funny. It’s not like I don’t eat. What should I change? Hua Yun: When something goes wrong, we often think about how to change our children, but rarely look at what we have done wrong. If she doesn\’t listen to you despite all the methods you have tried, it means that there is something wrong with your method, and you probably don\’t understand her. (Dee couldn\’t help laughing again.) Dee: Did you make a mistake? She is my daughter, how can I not understand her? Hua Yun: If you really know your daughter, you will know how to tell her so that she will listen. So look for problems from you, but also have confidence and patience. Dee: I don’t have the confidence, but I do have the patience. Have you not seen how many years I have been fighting with her? Hua Yun: You might as well try this trick. When eating today, don\’t mention that she doesn\’t like eating, because she has long been tired of hearing it, so just focus on observing her eating state, especially don\’t miss the moment when she takes a big bite. At that moment, tell the child: \”Wow, you eat so well!\” (I have tried this method with several children, it works!) Dee: I have never tried this. Hua Yun: Sometimes you see her eating a lot, what do you say? Dee: She took a big bite, and I couldn’t help but nag, ‘Look, don’t you know how to eat? How great would it be if I ate like this since I was a child? ’ When my daughter heard this, she didn’t like it. Really don\’t know how to talk to her. I used to do this to my children, that is, I would tell them when they did something right. When my daughter first started school, she would wake up in the morning in late autumn. It was still dark and the stairs were dark. She would wait for me to turn on the stair light before going downstairs every morning. I just don’t like turning on the light for her when I’m busy preparing breakfast in the morning. She can do it herselfJust do it yourself. Once, she asked me to turn on the light, and I yelled incoherently from downstairs to the people upstairs: \”From today on, you turn on the light by yourself, and I won\’t care about anything else! If you don\’t get up, you\’re late for class. I don’t care, I just don’t care anymore anyway.” He sounded furious! My daughter waited for a while and saw that I was serious, so she turned on the light and went downstairs. When I saw my daughter coming down on her own, I said angrily: \”Hey, how come you can do everything today? I didn\’t turn on the light for you, and you turned it on yourself. You just want to cause trouble for me, right?\” My daughter said to herself Xiao is a very reasonable person: \”What do you mean? You were angry when I came down. Isn\’t this what you wanted me to do? Now that I have done it, you are so angry. What on earth do you want me to do?\” The question really stopped me. Yes, didn’t they just do what you asked? If you still refuse to let me go, what are you going to do to get people to give up? Dee heard my story and agreed to change the way she spoke. Two days later, Dee called me. Dee: I did what you said that day, and she was so happy after hearing our praise. She ate the most during this meal, and my husband and I were so moved that we almost shed tears! So I decided to use this panacea, but who knew it wouldn\’t work the next day. Hua Yun: Under what circumstances did you say that the next day? Dee: Before eating. We wanted her to eat more and told her that she was eating well now. Unexpectedly, she returned to her original state. Hua Yun: Oh, I think I didn’t make it clear to you. There are two things I need to clarify. First, you can\’t just talk about your daughter eating well. You must only say it when she really eats well. Second, don’t expect your child to improve overnight, but be patient with your child. Be prepared for your child to repeat something and for you to repeat it too. Even if something happens repeatedly, don’t blame your child or yourself. As long as the main line is right, just keep doing it. However, you must first understand that in this process, the first thing to change is yourself. When you change, the methods you use will change. Only when the methods change can you see changes in your children. Dee: Any other specific suggestions? Hua Yun: You can find ways to create opportunities for your daughter to perform and achieve some small results. For example, the next time you give her a meal, give her a smaller meal than before, so that she can finish it, so you can give yourself a chance to praise her. With praise, give her some rewards and see how it goes? (Dee thought it made sense and agreed to give it a try. After a while, she met me.) Dee: My child eats much better than before. We listened to your words and changed ourselves first. We also thought of many ways to reward our daughter. Hua Yun: Great! Come and tell me, let me learn too. Dee: We developed a score sheet with our daughter, how much food she eats, how fast she eats, whether it is nutritious, etc. My husband and I agreed not to mention that our daughter is not good at eating, and even my youngest daughter started to cooperate with us. As long as her sister eats well, she will be very happy, jumping up and down to add points to her sister\’s score sheet! It looked like she had won a prize. If we accumulate enough points, we will fulfill her wish. I took her to see the movie \”Titanic\” last week, very happy. My daughter said she was going to eat ice cream at the end of the week, and the whole family was looking forward to it! Hua Yun: After watching the movie, the whole family was very happy. Did you say anything? What did the child say? Dee: Of course the child thanks us. She thanks us and we say you’re welcome. Is there anything wrong with that? Hua Yun: If it were me, I would thank my child because her efforts have brought happiness to the whole family. Do you think I should thank her? Dee: To be honest, this kid is tormented to death. Things have improved recently. I just thought about thanking you, but I really didn’t thank my daughter. Really, I really should thank my children. I really should thank my children. Hua Yun: You and your husband are both good parents. Your daughter is very lucky. I wish you all the best!