The child is disobedient and the husband has a bad temper? One speaking skill is all it takes

Parents and friends often talk to Qinglanjun: What should I do if my child is disobedient and my husband has a bad temper? A while ago, Qing Lanjun participated in a psychological workshop on \”How to Deal with Intimate Relationships\”, and the instructor taught a very effective technique. At the beginning of the course, everyone played a role-playing game. A male classmate played the role of a husband. He drank heavily out for three days in a row and came home drunk in the middle of the night. Three female classmates played his wives. The first wife\’s face was ashen, she closed the door with a bang and did not allow her husband to enter. The instructor asked her husband: \”Will you still drink alcohol?\” The husband replied: \”Yes.\” The second wife was also very angry, scolded her husband angrily, and threatened: \”Next time you drink too much, don\’t come in! The tutor asked her husband: \”Will you still drink alcohol?\” The husband replied: \”Yes.\” The third wife said to her husband: \”You always drink so much. I am so anxious that I can\’t sleep. I am worried about you drinking so much.\” Your body will collapse if you go on!\” The instructor asked the husband again: \”Will you still drink alcohol?\” The husband replied: \”No!\” The instructor then asked: \”Why?\” The husband said: \”I thought alcoholism was a personal matter to me. . My wife’s words made me realize that alcoholism not only affects me, but also affects her.” Why was the third wife’s words gentler, yet more powerful and effective? Because the third wife used the \”I message\” expression, while the first two wives used the \”you message\” expression. \”I message\” expressions begin with \”I\” and clearly express one\’s current situation, thoughts, feelings, and needs. The expression \”you message\” starts with \”you\”. Many people like to use \”you message\” when they are emotional, such as \”Why do you do this!\”, \”You always throw things away!\”, \” Can you please stop making trouble, you are so annoying!\”. In the parenting scene, the expressions of \”I information\” and \”You information\” are as follows: the mother is very tired after work → says \”I am tired\” to the noisy child → the child thinks \”Mom is tired\” and \”I can\’t argue anymore\” Mom is very tired after work → Says \”You are so annoying\” to the noisy child → The child thinks \”Mom is saying I am bad\” \”Why do you say that\” \”Humph, I want to make a noise, I want to make a noise\” It\’s obvious, \” The \”I-Message\” expression method is an effective way of communication, which allows the other party to know what bad impact his behavior has had on you, what bad feelings it has caused you, and to correct his behavior. “You messages” are an ineffective form of communication. The expression \”you message\” is like extending your index finger – blaming and criticizing the other party\’s mistakes. \”You information\” will also arouse the other party\’s self-protection, and he will put up spikes like a hedgehog to defend and fight back. Unfortunately, we often like to use \”you information\”. A mother said: \”It\’s not that Mom likes to lose her temper, but she is really too tired.\” Since you are tired, why not tell your child directly? It\’s hard to expect your child to know directly what he or she has done to upset you, and we need to be honest and straightforward with our children about how we feel. As parents, we have to believe that when we do this, our children will be willing to consider their parents\’ needs. Xiao He, a colleague of Qinglanjun, shared with me her experience of using “I information” to express herself. Recently, Xiao He and her husband always worry about not turning off the gas valve after taking a bath.Quarreling over the door. When Xiao He is making breakfast, whenever he finds that his husband has not turned off the gas valve after taking a shower the night before, he will get angry at her husband: \”Why didn\’t you turn off the gas again? I have said this many times!\” Every time he will become sleepy. He replied in a daze: \”Oh, I forgot, I\’ll remember it next time.\” But he forgot it again the next day. After learning the expression of \”I information\”, Xiao He changed his strategy. One morning, she got up and said to her husband: \”You always don\’t remember to turn off the gas. I\’m really sad and angry! It\’s autumn and winter now, and the doors and windows are always closed. I\’m worried about explosions and poisoning caused by gas leaks. You don\’t If it\’s turned off, I won\’t be able to sleep well!\” My husband immediately sat up and said sorry. That night, he really didn\’t forget it again. Xiao He asked him why he changed it as soon as he said it this time. He said: \”You used to scold me as soon as I got up. Do I think it\’s necessary to get angry over such a small thing? Is it always aimed at me, so I don\’t want to change. But yesterday you said you were angry because your sleep was affected. , I immediately felt that you were really in pain, I must remember to turn off the gas.\” After hearing what he said, Xiao He was very relieved, but he didn\’t expect that everything could be so smooth if he said it another way. Other psychology workshop students also received the same surprise. The eldest son and the youngest son in Li\’s mother\’s family always quarrel, and the younger one will cry all the time when they quarrel. Li\’s mother used the \”I message\” expression and said to the eldest son: \”When my brother keeps crying, it gives my mother a headache.\” , made me feel very angry and unhappy, and affected my mother\’s ability to cook. Mom hopes you will stop robbing and tell mom something.\” After hearing this, the boss knew that Li\’s mother was not scolding him, so he immediately stopped the quarrel, and then told What happened to Li\’s mother? Soon the family returned to peace. Do you also want to try the \”My Information\” expression method? Don\’t worry, the \”I Information\” expression method has a set of specific operation formulas, as well as three extra points tips. Usually, the expression of \”I information\” has three elements: facts + feelings + impact or reasons. It can also be expanded to a fourth element, such as expectations. Take the example of Li\’s mother just now to analyze: Facts – the boss and the youngest are quarreling. Feeling – Mom is very angry. Impact – Mom can\’t concentrate on cooking. Expectation – Stop trying and tell mom what happened. The expression of \”I message\” must meet at least three elements, otherwise it will affect the effect. Only by fully expressing the child\’s unacceptable behavior, his own feelings about this behavior, and the specific impact of this behavior on himself, can the child realize that he needs to correct his behavior. Just because you know how to do something, doesn\’t mean you can do it. In order to make the \”I message\” expression more effective, you can also try three tips: 1. The more coquettish the mother is, the more sensible the child will be. Compared with the strong and accusatory nature of the \”you message\”, the \”I message\” itself is a way of expressing weakness. If you act coquettishly when expressing it, the child will be more responsive to your feelings, such as \”I am tired.\” \”, you can add, \”Baby, you see, mom really doesn\’t even have the strength to stand up.\” 2. Express love. When we say that the child\’s behavior makes us unhappy, in order to reduce the child\’s negative emotions, we can Add: \”I care about you very much and don\’t miss you.\”We quarrel with each other, but when I focus all my energy on you, I can’t cook well…\” 3. Shut up and calm down. People who are used to expressing themselves with \”you messages\” find it difficult to use \”you messages\” for a while. Expressing \”I message\” requires continuous practice. Especially when you are emotionally excited, if you cannot say \”I message\”, but try to shut up for a minute when you are about to lose your temper, and think about why you are losing your temper. What feelings are caused by what things, and then express them. Want a warmer family? You might as well try the \”I message\” expression method!