The child said to me: Mom, please stop encouraging me.

Encouraging our kids is getting harder and harder in our family. I often encourage them habitually and subconsciously regard girls and wine as little children who still need a lot of encouragement, but the children\’s feedback is: they don\’t need my (frequent) encouragement. For example, in my opinion, Jiujiu is a little boy who is rich in emotions, has high emotional value needs, and loves to cling to his mother. But in the areas he is good at, such as skiing, he has shown maturity ahead of his time. He can do well without our encouragement. Before preparing for the competition, I told him to skate well, come on, you are the youngest, it doesn’t matter if you don’t take first place… Jiujiu said: Mom, don’t you believe I can take first place? Thinking about it afterwards, when the child was more sensitive, I talked a lot of nonsense (actually it was me who was nervous). It was really too much. In a sense, it made the child feel that he didn\’t trust him. , thinking that he can\’t do it, or that he can\’t do it well enough. Exercise is like doing many things. In fact, being able to participate in and complete this thing comes with its own \”encouragement\”, and external encouragement seems weak. What he can do does not require our encouragement; what he cannot do, no matter how much we encourage him, it is useless. One time, the two siblings were challenging tree surfing. Jiujiu was really, really scared. He reached a point and couldn\’t go any further. He was immersed in his own emotions. No matter how much we encouraged him, he refused to take another step. Niuniu even walked back to help him and teach him what to do. But whether it was our encouragement or the skills taught by my sister, Jiujiu couldn\’t listen to it at this time. It took a lot of time, but finally the staff went to the location and tried to find a way to bring him over. In the middle of the journey, I saw Niuniu walking to a more difficult place, and I was cheering her on, taking her time and not panicking. Niuniu got anxious and shouted: Can you please stop talking! If you work hard, I won\’t be able to do it even better! I stopped talking immediately, realizing that she could arrive at her own pace. My wishful encouragement only distracted her and might even be dangerous. Untimely encouragement is worse than no encouragement. As children get older, it is difficult to impress them with encouragement. In addition to inappropriate encouragement times and wrong words of encouragement, I think there may be another reason – sometimes I just use \”encouragement\” and \”praise\” To package adults’ intentions: when we want our children to do something, we encourage them. I saw some parenting theories and words on how to encourage children (to act in the direction we want), but when I said this, my child quit: I want Jiujiu to fall in love with reading, and I I encouraged him by saying that it was good for you to do this, and my mother felt very happy, etc. But after I said this, he no longer wanted to read it – it seemed that my mother wanted me to read it, covering up my true preferences. . Children don’t want to be manipulated or tricked. Sensitive children can already detect the \”purpose\” of adults. Forcibly pressing the cow\’s head and refusing to drink water, encouragement has the opposite effect. It is better to let nature take its course. Ineffective encouragement, unnecessary encouragement, counterproductive encouragement, as well as \”don\’t know how to encourage\” and \”no amount of encouragement is of any use\”. The last time this happenedThe frustration was caused by Niuniu’s running competition in school. Niuniu was running so annoyed that I was speechless. How could I accept that I was so far behind… After it was over, I asked her if she felt uncomfortable, no. I would say that the competition is not about winning, but you should also try to put your best foot forward. If you do not perform well in the team competition, it will lower the team performance. You don’t need to run well, but you have to run seriously. She said she was not the last one (in the relay) and said she had tried her best. Then he picked up a book and refused to talk about it anymore. You can never encourage a child who doesn’t want to run (in my opinion, there is still room for improvement)… Just when I felt that all my words of encouragement were useless, I saw an article in the field of sports psychology that talked about how to Encouraging athletes makes them perform better on the field. It says that encouragement during competition is very important – usually when we give encouragement to others, this encouragement may be useless, but it will not have much negative effect. At most, others will lose their temper. But if it is during a competition, if the encouragement is not done correctly, the delaying effect will be obvious. It mentions some concepts about encouragement, which I find very inspiring, and it has indeed produced effects on our children. Although the person who encouraged me was not me, but the children’s coach. The coach is better than me at encouraging children in a way that they are willing to accept. Researchers conducted a survey and interviewed a group of marathon runners, asking them how they felt about the encouragement they received. Let’s take a look at what encouragement these athletes find “helpful” and what they find “useless.” Athletes believe that \”useful\” encouragement can help them improve their performance on the field. These incentives include: 1. Guidance that provides specific information, such as \”maintain the current speed\” and \”thigh lift.\” It is much better to state the remaining distance or time with specific \”only one kilometer left\” and \”five minutes left\” than vague \”not long ago\”. 2. Inspiring words, such as \”You can do it\” and \”Run great\”, express trust in their abilities and let the athletes know that you are proud of their efforts. Useless or even harmful encouragement will dampen the morale and confidence of athletes. It can be: 1. Critical comments, \”The speed is too slow\”, \”You look bad today\”. 2. Vague or wrong guidance, such as telling athletes \”only one kilometer left\” or \”halfway has been run\”, but in fact there is still a long distance. Inaccurate information makes athletes feel troubled, wondering whether they should rush, and wrong guidance also makes them angry. What I have experienced from Jiujiu is that if a child wants to make progress, he or she wants useful guidance more than encouragement and praise. After Jiujiu started formal skiing training, he went from feeling invincible to feeling that he was a skier. Not well. Although many people encouraged him and I thought he skated very well, he was not satisfied. Jiujiu said: I feel like I made a mistake in turning and I can’t maintain my balance. I want to ask the coach what I should do. I don’t understand the terminology the teacher talks about, but I can look at it and try to imitate it and correct myself. What my teammates and I can do at this time is to create communication between the children and the coach.opportunity. I would also like to say that from a layman\’s perspective, it is not easy for parents to give \”useful\” guidance, but this does not mean that we cannot do something to support and encourage our children – look for professional guidance, and help children get started in the early stages of learning. It will be much easier, reduce fear of difficulties, and improve training efficiency. This applies not only to sports, but also to other aspects of learning. Asking professional teachers to teach is better than \”high-level crushing guidance\” from parents; keep in touch with coaches/teachers to let children know that we care and clearly understand Understand TA’s situation. Help your child prepare before the game, provide solid support, brief encouragement, give him or her a hug, pat on the shoulder to boost morale; during the game, you can film and record his or her performance; play it back together after the game, if the child performed very well , this can increase his/her confidence; if there are mistakes, then we can also gain valuable reflections; understand this sport, work tirelessly to pick up and drop off, accompany the children to train… We can personally encourage the children to persist in this project longer, perhaps more than Verbal encouragement means more to children. Goal-oriented encouragement helps children set their own goals, which are what they really want, rather than goals imposed on them by adults. Of course, the two are not always clearly defined, and they may also be common to us and our children. Target. Goals are a kind of self-driven encouragement. Children know what they want and are willing to work hard for it. What types of goals help children persist and perform at their best over the long term? A study on the \”effectiveness of goals\” divided goals into 4 types: 1. Specific but simple goals: easy to achieve and can increase motivation in the short term, but goals are often easy to achieve and will make us focus too much on the results. Ignore the process, and technological improvement becomes slow and may even stagnate. 2. Specific but challenging goals: Previous research has shown that this is the most effective type of goal to improve athlete performance. It is difficult, but achievable through hard work. It allows us to stay focused and work hard for a period of time. When the goal is achieved, A sense of accomplishment and motivation to continue working hard. 3. Specific but unrealistic goals: This is one of the worst goals to have. A novice tennis player who has only taken two lessons will not set himself the goal of competing at Wimbledon the following year. Because even if you put in all the efforts, you can\’t achieve it. It\’s a hopeless effort. 4. Open goals: Open goals do not have specific results that must be achieved, just try my best. Such goals are both loose and challenging, aiming to create a more enjoyable and less stressful environment. Small mentality. Research shows that open-ended goals help increase autonomy, allowing athletes to better control their own behavior. In the long run, a high degree of autonomy produces high levels of motivation and satisfaction, ultimately leading to high performance. When setting goals, you can start with Type 2 goals, specific and challenging goals, which have helped athletes achieve success for many years. Type 4 goals can also be included. Open-ended goals are a relatively new concept. , there are not many studies on its effectiveness, but currentlyIt also seems promising for improving performance. Jiujiu was four years old when he first learned to ski. His English was not very good and he was too young to go to more difficult ski trails, but he had an idea of ​​a ruined castle. He really wanted to go to Ruined Castle, and the coach told him what you need to do to go to Ruined Castle. Jiujiu thinks about the ruined castle and persists no matter how hard or tired it is. I was deeply impressed. At that time, as long as Ruined Castle was mentioned, he would do anything… During training in Keketuohai, Xinjiang, the coach asked the father and son: Does Jiujiu have any vision for working so hard? My teammates said a lot. Jiujiu said that he just wanted to be first, and that being first was his goal. When his teammates asked him again the next day, he couldn\’t tell whether he was number one in the school or in inter-school competitions. From Jiujiu\’s point of view, what he saw was not specific enough – challenging goals, and the coach helped him find specific challenging training goals: edge + reverse arch, so that he would not be at high speed. Losing balance while turning and falling. From the perspective of our parents, our reserved attitude will be more biased toward open goals: Competitive sports are very cruel, everyone is trying their best, and there is only one winner in the end. He has been here, worked hard, and has no regrets. Just fine. Of course Jiujiu can stick to his goal of \”taking first place\”. I hope this goal can encourage my little boy to move forward bravely at this stage. Finally, let’s talk about Niuniu’s recent running. I plan to run with her when the weather is nice to see if there is any problem with her posture and adjust it. I hope that she will be willing to talk to me about her thoughts when running in a more relaxed atmosphere. Maybe running fast and well has never been her goal, but I hope she can run fast and maybe have some encouragement. Doomed to fail. I also want to remind myself to listen more to the needs of \”users\” and improve the way of encouragement; to be more careful about encouraging children. If the encouragement is wrong, it is better not to encourage; too much encouragement will devalue, so use it wisely. Friends in the comment area are also welcome to share your family’s good ideas or failures in encouraging children~