The child wants whatever he sees, and if he doesn\’t buy it, he just messes around? Beware of hidden power struggles between you

Once, Cheng Zi and I went to 798 to play. There are many small shops there selling all kinds of creative gadgets. Once the orange enters the eye, it becomes too busy. After a while, he ran over and said: Mom, buy me this fidget spinner. After a while, she pulled my arm: Mom, I want that sword. Seeing that I was about to fall into a tug-of-war of \”agree – refuse\”, I took out 50 yuan and gave it to Chengzi: \”Old rules, this is your activity fund for today. You can buy gadgets, snacks, and drinks. You can do it yourself.\” Can you decide how to spend it?\” Cheng Zi nodded happily. The situation quickly changed. Orange stopped asking me for things. He started to move back and forth between the fidget spinner and the small sword, and finally stopped in front of the sword. Here comes the second option. There were more than a dozen kinds of toy swords of various kinds. Chengzi began to hesitate again. He picked up this one and looked at that one, comparing them and making up his mind. I really like one of the green swords, it looks more delicate, so I recommend it to Orange. Orange looked at it and put it down again. Well, I controlled myself not to talk too much and stayed patiently by my side, waiting for him to make his own choice. In the end, Chengzi chose the red sword that he had noticed from the beginning and bought it with his own money. It can be seen that Chengzi likes it very much. He never left his hand with his sword and made gestures all the way. After walking not far, we found another small shop. His toy weapons look more dazzling and exquisite, and the prices are slightly higher. Chengzi fell in love with a knife at first sight and couldn\’t put it down. He asked the aunt at the shop for the price and found that it was a lot more than his remaining activity funds. Chengzi was a little frustrated and stopped talking. He turned over and over with the knife. I felt a little soft-hearted and told him: If you really like it, I can help you advance some money. Chengzi thought for a while and shook his head: No, I\’ll buy it next time. I was a little surprised, but also a little relieved: I didn\’t expect him to make such a choice. However, Chengzi didn\’t leave immediately. He stood there playing with it for a long time, and I stayed with him quietly. Until he said: Let\’s go. Found it? From pestering me to buy, to making the decision to buy on my own, and being able to control my delayed gratification, I actually only did one thing to change my orange state. To buy or not to buy – this is not a single-choice question. Many parents have this kind of trouble – their children seem to have insatiable material desires. They want to buy things as soon as they go out. It keeps making trouble. Agree to buy it, because you are afraid that if you spoil the child, his appetite will become bigger and bigger. I don’t want to buy it, and I don’t know what to do with it. He tried his best to reason and refused to listen, but in the end he could only resort to yelling and beating, and later he blamed himself for his rudeness. In fact, when you repeatedly struggle with \”to buy or not to buy\”, it means that you have fallen into a power struggle with your children. The power struggle means: Who has the final say in this matter? Do I listen to you, or do you listen to me? To put it simply, when a child wants to buy something, he is expressing his opinion and wanting to make his own decisions. Parents often reject their children for various reasons. The implicit meaning is: What you are doing is wrong, what I say is right, and you have to listen to me. When caught in a power struggle, it’s easy for parents to fall into a single mindset: EitherAgree, or refuse. Regardless of whether they agree or refuse, in fact, parents still firmly hold the power in their hands, and the child\’s deep psychological need to make his own decisions has not been met – although on the surface, he may have gotten what he wanted. Therefore, once he has the opportunity, he will still launch a new round of power struggle. Why do children ask for random things? Many times, behind a child who is asking for things and being messy, there will be a mother (or maybe a father) who is too controlling and too strict. You are not allowed to do this, you are not allowed to buy that, you have to keep an eye on your homework, and you are urged to do it every day… When you are in a good mood, talk about some truth. When the anger got louder, he would be yelled at and beaten. In such an environment, there are rules and regulations everywhere, and the child is tightly controlled. His self is forced into a corner by the mother\’s momentum and shrinks very small. Where there is oppression, there will be resistance, and the subconscious will look for gaps everywhere, trying every possible means to get out for some air, and use various ways to \”be yourself\” – even in a twisted way. Since I have to listen to my mother on everything at home, then outside, I have to make my own decisions and express my wishes when it comes to buying snacks, toys, stationery, and other insignificant matters. In this case, all the adults\’ persuasion, reasoning, yelling, and scolding meant two words to him – rejection. The more and more severe the rejection, the child\’s desire to buy things may be suppressed on the surface, but the child\’s opinions are also suppressed, and they will explode again when encountering a similar situation. There is no winner in the power struggle between parents and children. How to avoid power struggles? In fact, the solution is very simple, and I used it in the short story above: Since the child wants the power to make his own decisions, then satisfy him – parents should step back appropriately, delegate power within a certain range, and let the children make their own decisions. For example, before going to the supermarket, discuss with your children that we can only buy two kinds of snacks this time (the specific ones need to be discussed with your children). You decide what to buy. For example, if your child wants to eat KFC, then make an agreement with your child that they can only eat it once a month. As for when to eat, it is up to him. If you are worried, you can emphasize it again: We have agreed that you can buy snacks, but you can only buy two kinds. We all have to keep our word, okay? Children like to keep their word. If you let them make their own promises, they will usually abide by them consciously. (The same applies to us adults. There is a sense of ritual when the promise comes from our own mouths, and our self-restraint will be stronger.) At this time, the contradiction between \”the enemy and ourselves\” becomes a contradiction \”among the people.\” Children\’s attention shifts from fighting against their parents and fighting for power to their own hearts, listening to their inner voices through repeated comparisons and thinking, and choosing what they want most. Self-will is expressed in this way. Things to note: When their children are making choices, many parents can\’t help but express their opinions, whisper to the side, and \”guide\” their children to choose something that their parents like more. Their reasons are also very good: the children are still young and don’t understand anything. They can only pick blindly. Why not choose this one? The quality is better and it doesn’t look so rubbish. There are already a lot of them at home… There are many reasons.Dui, the starting point is the same: I am doing it for the sake of my children. You know, this is also a disguised, hidden, gentle control – you still want to grab the power to choose things and be responsible for your children. Such control will only make the child feel irritable and realize that your so-called \”let him make his own choices\” is just a gesture and is empty. After a few times, the child is unwilling to cooperate with you in playing this game, and falls into a power struggle again – and the struggle is more detailed and comprehensive, from whether to buy to which to buy. As long as there is a little gap, the child will subconsciously start a war. You will be even more confused: I let my child make his own decisions, but why is he becoming more and more unreasonable and messy? This method must be wrong. Changes in your child\’s behavior are a mirror through which you can see what you did right and what you did wrong. When you give your children trust, your children will trust you back. When a child begs for things randomly, we need to be aware of whether we control him too much. We must learn to turn crises into opportunities and treat daily small things as exercises – practice communicating and negotiating with children, practice delegating power to children, and practice respecting children\’s choices. Accept all possible outcomes within a range. Over time, this kind of choice practice will help your child become a more confident and assertive person. He will know exactly what he wants, and he will also know that he needs to moderately control his desires and learn to delay gratification – two qualities that many adults do not possess. One day, you may suddenly find that your child\’s problem of asking for things disappears and he becomes more sensible. So congratulations, you have also grown up with your child.