The fastest way to ruin a child: \”Everything is normal for the child…\”

I saw a story on Zhihu: before the long vacation ended, the child stayed up until one or two o\’clock in the middle of the night because he had to do homework. The next day, the parents couldn\’t help scolding them: \”I usually don\’t do my homework well, but now I am cramming.\” Unexpectedly, the child cried and accused his parents: \”I can\’t live up to the good daughter you think of me. My I can finish the homework myself, why can\’t you understand me and let me control my own time?\” After the quarrel, the child slammed the door and ran away from home, not returning home in the evening. The anxious parents searched everywhere for their child, but the child deliberately avoided the parents, and the parents searched for a long time before finding him. They didn\’t understand. They just said a few words to her, but why did they end up running away from home? In recent years, we often see news that children run away from home, become depressed, or even go to a dead end due to academic pressure, conflicts with parents or other people, etc. Whenever we see news like this, someone will always say why children today are so mentally fragile and cannot bear the smallest things. But are these children really depressed or even acting in extreme ways because of their psychological vulnerability? The accumulation of emotions is the last straw that breaks the child\’s back. Many times, we only see the last straw for our children. Tan Zhonglin, chief physician (depressive disorder ward) of Hangzhou Seventh People\’s Hospital, found that more and more young patients are visiting the depression department. The number of depressed patients under the age of 15 has tripled in three years. When he asks depressed children when they first started feeling bad, the date usually stretches back a long way. When the parents were asked if they had noticed anything about their child\’s condition, the response was that they did not think there was anything wrong with their child. In particular, when teenagers commit suicide, parents usually find it very unbelievable, \”Everything is quite normal for the child, so why did he commit suicide all of a sudden?\” But in fact, before the parents are aware, the child has already walked alone. It was a very difficult and painful journey. In the documentary \”How We Fight Depression\”, 14-year-old girl Ye often feels stressed and anxious because of what others think are \”little things.\” She told her parents that she was sick, but their parents did not understand and felt that there was nothing abnormal about the child and there was no need to see a doctor. His parents\’ incomprehension caused Ziye to fall into an emotional black hole and even resorted to self-harm. Once, at school, after she cut the promotional cardboard, she couldn\’t find the cover of the scissors no matter how hard she looked for it. She began to feel very anxious. She wanted to calm down, so she cut her finger with scissors. When she saw that her finger was bleeding, she calmed down. She said that self-harm is common when parents don\’t understand. Sadly, from the first to the second year of junior high school, she kept sending signals for help to her parents, but they were ignored. It wasn\’t until one day before school started that she went crazy, throwing things and doors at home, losing her temper with her parents, and threatening them to take her to see a doctor. Only then did her family realize that she was really sick. Many times, in the eyes of parents, children who are emotional are just making a fuss and being pretentious; while the children become tiredBeing lazy and tired of studying is seen as wanting to be lazy and not making progress… Over time, these small emotions slowly accumulate and turn into bad emotions. It is ignited over time and becomes a child\’s emotional black hole, and eventually becomes a major challenge and setback in the child\’s life. Understanding and love are the best \”regulators\” of children\’s emotions. Dr. Schur, a professor of neuropsychology at the University of California, said: \”Children are often unable to perform the necessary self-regulation of emotions in their early years, so adults must act as \’external regulators\’ to Help children adjust their emotions. \”When children have negative emotions, this \”regulator\” can help children recover from negative emotions and experiences faster, and the basis of this \”regulator\” is love, understanding and companionship. In \”The Big Exam\”, Pan Xiaoxuan is a carefree child who is very enthusiastic about helping others and is affectionate and righteous. But just such a child was diagnosed with depression. In the play, Pan Xiaoxuan is a rich second generation. Financially, he lacked nothing, but psychologically he was extremely lacking in love and insecurity. After his parents divorced, they ignored him and settled everything with money. Faced with the pressure of college entrance examination and various negative emotions, his parents failed to provide understanding and support. His mother even chose to remarry on the eve of his college entrance examination, completely ignoring the child\’s mood and thoughts. Over a long period of time, Pan Xiaoxuan\’s negative emotions that had not found an outlet became weapons to attack himself and a sharp blade that consumed his life energy. So much so that he was later diagnosed with depression. In the play, Gao Mingyu is the opposite. Although Gao Mingyu lives in difficult conditions, he has a grandfather who loves him. Grandpa always thinks of him in everything. Even if she accidentally breaks her leg and is bedridden, she is still afraid of affecting him and refuses his care. Grandpa told him that no matter whether his grades were ideal or not, he was his good grandson. To have such a grandson, grandpa always felt very happy in his heart. With his grandfather\’s love and understanding, Gao Mingyu had a sense of security and belonging that Pan Xiaoxuan did not have. Even if he was later bullied online due to other people\’s malice, he quickly came out of it. There is a sentence in \”The Road Less Traveled\”, \”Love determines the quality of family education. Family education full of love brings luck; education lacking love can only lead to misfortune.\” In fact, every child has this feeling in his heart. There is a cup, and when there are negative or negative emotions, the energy in the cup will be consumed. If the cup in their hearts is empty, then they can only use their own energy to deal with it, and their own life energy is limited and will always be exhausted. Only when parents and family fill the cup with love and understanding and fill the child\’s heart can the child face the emotional storm more calmly and calmly, and even grow in it. \”One supplement and two drains\” can help children get out of the emotional haze 1. Meet the psychological needs of children and \”replenish\” sufficient nutrients for the child\’s psychology. There are right and wrong behaviors, but there is no right or wrong emotion. Children need our unconditional support, empathy and comfort when it comes to their emotions. When children are angry, sad, anxious, depressed, and unable to handle their emotions, we can open our arms and tell them, \”No matter good or bad, mom and dad will be with you.\”When children\’s emotions come, don\’t try to suppress their problems or give them advice. What they need is their parents\’ listening, understanding and encouraging responses. \”Oh\”, \”Well\”, \”That\’s it\”, \”Go on\” Come down.\” \”I know you are sad, do you need your mother to do something for you? \”How do you think you can reduce your sadness?\” \”Parents\’ focused eyes and encouraging actions and words will make their children feel that no matter what I do, my parents will accept me. They are more willing to let go of their defenses and believe that I am who I am. I can have many feelings, many emotions, and many thoughts. There are many choices, and all of them will be well accepted. When children\’s psychological needs are met, their emotions will calm down and they will be more powerful to solve problems. 2. Accept your children\’s negative emotions and help them. Find an outlet to \”vent\” in a safe environment, without helping or disturbing, and let the child vent his emotions in his own way. The child can cry, lose his temper, yell loudly, run, draw, beat the pillow, and be quiet in the corner. Yes… As long as this method is safe and does not hurt yourself, others or damage other things, then you can first respect the child\’s channel for expressing emotions. But if the child\’s way of expressing emotions is not safe, we need to calmly and firmly stop it. However, do not criticize or blame, or add fuel to the fire. In normal times, you can also help your children find suitable \”emotion management strategies\”, such as: through physical actions such as running, climbing stairs, tearing up waste paper, etc., to relieve the stress in the body. Or you can take a deep breath and give them space to adjust, so that they can calm down. Parents can consciously integrate these \”emotion management strategies\” into their lives. Through repeated practice, children will slowly remember these. Strategies and learn to use them habitually. 3. Maintain relationships around children and provide multiple channels for children to “vent”. Maintain relationship resources around children. These relationship resources refer to people who have frequent interactions with each other and trust each other. People with close relationships. For example, grandparents, grandparents, close relatives at home, friends, colleagues, neighbors, as well as children’s classmates, interest class partners, playmates who grew up together, etc., actively maintain them in life. These relationships involve frequent contact, meetings, and mutual help, because sometimes, due to various reasons, children are unwilling to confide in their parents, especially children who have entered adolescence. In order to break away from their parents\’ restraints, they may have differences and conflicts with their parents. Conflict. If at this time, there is someone other than the parents who can help, then when the children are isolated or feel lonely and depressed, they will have someone they can talk to and ask for help to help them get out of their emotions. American writer Pompeo said: \”Children need love most when they are least worthy of love. \”Many times, children\’s bad behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. The real problem is probably the emotions that have been lurking in the child\’s heart for a long time and cannot be vented. Today\’s children need to face their parents\’ expectations and future challenges. Anxious, they have more possibilitiesAt the same time, they are also under greater temptation and pressure. As parents, before we expect our children to succeed, we should first let them become happy ordinary people. When it rains in his heart, hold up an umbrella for him; when he is surrounded by darkness, light a light for him. Let him face the storms in life calmly and live more calmly and calmly.