The \”golden rule\” for disciplining children, what all good parents do

Good morning everyone, welcome to open the morning reading. Make a little progress every day, and persist in bringing about big changes. Today is November 21, 2017. The book we want to share with you is \”Positive Discipline: How to Discipline Children Effectively without Punishing or Pampering\”. The author Jane Nelson is the founder of the American Positive Discipline Association and an outstanding psychologist and educator. This book has sold more than 4 million copies in the United States and has been translated into 16 languages ​​and sold well all over the world. Since its publication, the book has become the \”golden rule\” for disciplining children. Today we will share with you the three contents of this book, which are companionship, decoding and encouragement. \”Company\” In the Douban high-scoring movie \”The Kramers\”, the father Kramer is busy between work and his son, focusing on one and neglecting the other, causing his son Billy to angrily say \”I hate you\”. \”I can\’t hold you when I lift bricks, and I can\’t support you when I put down bricks\” has become a true portrayal of countless parents who are struggling for their children. However, is the \”love and dedication\” of parents necessarily what children need most? British educator Charlotte Mason said: “Many parents are always busy all day long and have no time to take care of their children. When they want to take good care of their children one day, they find that they cannot communicate well with their children. Become insignificant.\” Childhood only happens once, and love should be with you. For adults, love may be just a part of life, but in a child\’s world, love is everything to him: he knows who takes him to and from school, who appears when he needs it, and who tells him stories. Who is loving him. As the children\’s song goes: If you love me, stay with me more. Research shows that 3-6 years old is the golden period for children to modify their personality. During this period, the company of parents is the most affectionate confession. So how to achieve efficient companionship? First, be fully committed. Don’t multitask when spending time with your children. Ten minutes of full concentration is more effective than a few hours of perfunctory work with your children while scrolling through Moments. Second, schedule special times. Life needs a sense of ritual. Whether it is daily sharing between family members before meals or a short outing, children can feel loved. \”Decoding\” The famous child psychologist Rudolf Drex said: \”A child who behaves inappropriately is a child who has lost confidence.\” The author believes that children\’s inappropriate behavior is nothing more than a lack of knowledge, awareness, or effective skills. In other words, they were doing nothing more than age-appropriate behavior. In the face of children\’s \”code words\”, if you just order, blame or ignore them, it will bring long-term disadvantages. In this regard, parents must learn to be \”code breakers\” and crack the code behind their children\’s bad behavior. This book provides us with four wrong purposes for children\’s misbehavior, which are: 001 seeking excessive attention; 002 showing power; 003 revenge; 004 self-destruction. For example, children may not do their homework to gain attention (hey, look at me, look at me), to show power (I won\’t do it, let\’s see what you can do to me), or to seek revenge (in your mind, Scores are more important than me. You make me sad, and I will make you sad too) or to show inability to do anything.Power (I can’t write it at all). How should we deal with our children\’s wrong intentions? First, actively pause. When conflict arises, balance your emotions and step away briefly to give each other an emotional buffer. Second, the purpose is revealed. Use the sentence pattern \”Could it be…?\” to find the root cause. For example, \”You don\’t want to do homework, is it because you can\’t do it?\” Third, prescribe the right medicine. Once the root cause is found, parents can take targeted measures. For example, if your child is seeking attention, give them a small task. Children\’s behavior is just the tip of the iceberg that surfaces. The \”true face of Mount Lu\” hidden under the water is their psychological needs to seek value and a sense of belonging. Only by being active and learning parents can we find the way to the inner world of our children in practice. \”Encouragement\” \”I am your mother for the first time, and you are my daughter for the first time. Let us take care of each other and grow together.\” Former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said this to her daughter. Although parents\’ love for their children is aimed at separation, as the first mentors in life, parents\’ greatest mission is to sow the seeds of love and trust for their children in their early stages of life, so that they can be independent in the future. Encouragement is like the spring breeze and drizzle that nourishes a child\’s heart, allowing the seeds of confidence to grow into towering trees on the fertile soil of the soul. Even if our children do not perform well, we can still encourage each other by studying together and cooperating together. How to win cooperation? You can try the \”Cooperative Quartet\”. The following is an example of a child who did not do well in the exam: 001 Express understanding: You failed in the exam this time, and you must be in a bad mood, right? 002 Empathy: Seeing you unhappy makes your mother feel sad too. 003 Frank opinion: If low scores make you sad, it means you are very studious, which is awesome! In fact, my mother used to feel sad about not doing well in exams! 004 Focus on the plan: Let’s analyze the reasons why we did not do well in this exam, shall we? It is important to note the difference between encouragement and praise. Please compare the following two sentences: A: Good boy, you won the first prize this time. I am really proud of you. B: You prepared carefully for this competition and got good results. How do you feel? Obviously, the first sentence is praise and the second sentence is encouragement. While praise can also promote and improve a child\’s behavior, it must be used with caution. Children may become \”pleasers\” because of this and easily base their confidence entirely on \”Thaksin\”. The goal of encouragement is to emphasize the child\’s contribution and self-feeling. To sum up, efficient companionship allows children to feel care and strength; decoding the language behind bad behavior and understanding the child\’s heart; loving encouragement sows the seeds of self-confidence in children. In fact, no one is born a good parent. Dong Qing said: \”What kind of person do you want your child to be? You must first be such a person yourself.\” Parent-child education is a journey together, and the journey of healthy growth of children is also the exploration of parents\’ continuous self-improvement. That’s it for today’s sharing, I hope it can inspire you.