The great educator Fan Zhongyan’s tutoring methods are worth learning

\”Living room communication method\” and Tibetan poems can educate children well without suppressing them. I found that one of the big misunderstandings in family education is that parents use other people\’s children to suppress their own children all day long. Looking at other people\’s children are all good, looking at their own There is something wrong with the child. Over time, the child\’s self-esteem is severely damaged, causing him to resent both his parents and other people\’s children. My mentor at the Graduate School of Education at Harvard University, LeVine, was born into a Jewish family. He has a son and a daughter, one of whom went to Harvard and the other to Columbia. In his free time, he often shares parenting tips with me, the most important of which is: Never tell your child directly what is wrong, but let him discover it on his own. Raven advocates the \”living room communication method.\” Every day after dinner, he has an hour of family time. Fan Zhongyan\’s \”Books from the Family\”: The secrets of prosperous family education are hidden in these four words. In the living room, Lei Wen usually asks the children to report what happened that day, especially what conflicts or mistakes occurred, and then Allow each child to provide their own opinion and analyze how they could do better, whether it is about themselves or others. In this process, he will encourage the children to talk more, and he will just make a summary at the end. He does the same for us, giving us ample freedom in academic arrangements and encouraging us to think more to cultivate our sense of autonomy and independent thinking ability, which benefits every student. In ancient my country, there were good fathers who could teach their children how to behave in the world without suppressing them, such as Fan Zhongyan. Fan Zhongyan was a famous thinker, politician, military strategist and writer in the Northern Song Dynasty. He attaches great importance to family education and often teaches his children to live frugally and be upright. When educating his children, he never beat or scold him, but used various methods to inspire them to think about where they went wrong. Under his guidance, children learned to proactively reflect and correct mistakes from an early age. One year, Fan Zhongyan’s second son Fan Chunren was preparing to hold a wedding. He asked his eldest brother Fan Chunyou to go to Beijing to invite his father to come home to host the wedding. He also brought a shopping list, including silks, gold and silver jewelry and other valuables. Fan Zhongyan has been honest all his life, so of course he was unhappy when he saw his second son\’s shopping list. However, he did not train the children, nor did he compare them with other people\’s children. Instead, he thought for a moment and wrote a small poem on the back of the list: One person stands, one lies down, and two little people sit on the ground. There were still two people at home, so they returned to Jiaoer to think about it carefully. This is a Tibetan poem, and the answer is Jian (i.e. \”thrift\”). Fan Chunyou understood his father\’s intention and went home without buying anything in the capital. After reading his father\’s poem, Fan Chunren understood his good intentions and decided to keep everything simple for the wedding. Fan Zhongyan was very happy after hearing the news and went home to host the wedding. Fan Zhongyan taught his son through poems and riddles, and Fan Chunren got married frugally. This has since become a good story about frugality in housekeeping in Chinese culture. Later, Fan Chunren served as prime minister twice in the Zhezong Dynasty of Song Dynasty and was known as the \”prime minister in civilian clothes\”. Fan Zhongyan\’s famous saying is: \”Only frugality can help integrity, but forgiveness can help one become virtuous.\” It means that only frugality can help a person become honest and clear, and only forgiveness can cultivate good character. His attitude towards educating children well reflects this idea. Learn to sort outMilestone events: In addition to inspiring children to think proactively, I also advocate parents searching for treasures in their children. The so-called Taobao is to discover the advantages, characteristics and highlights of children in their daily lives, and use this to encourage children to grow. This requires parents to learn to sort out their children\’s milestone events, try to find strength in their children, and motivate them to grow by telling their own success stories, rather than stimulating them by telling success stories of other people\’s children. Milestone events, simply put, refer to various resistance or self-motivation events in a child\’s growth, such as rebounding after learning decline, resolving conflicts between classmates, continuing to persevere after failure, setting up a dream and working hard for it, etc. Parents should be good at capturing and digging out, sorting out and carrying forward. Parents look for bright spots in their children and let them become their own heroes. Sorting out your child\’s milestones is designed to enhance your child\’s initiative, autonomy and sense of responsibility. In order to demonstrate this, I wrote a book called \”Writing a Good Life Script for Children\”, which described 40 experiences in my life and conducted a sorting out and psychological analysis of each event. Attached: List of milestone events Event type Emotional reaction Psychological sorting Significance of growth Poor study, failure in exams, being hurt Anger, helplessness, helplessness, discouragement Optimism, open-mindedness, perseverance Cultivate self-improvement Weary of learning, game addiction, self-indulgence Help, be happy immediately, endure no self-restraint, self-breakthrough, cultivate self-discipline, pursue dreams, strive to achieve goals, anxiety, hesitation, discouragement, loneliness, optimism, determination, persistence, flexibility, cultivate self-reliance, parent-child conflict, classmate quarrels, teacher-student misunderstandings, anger, jealousy, misunderstanding , grievance and forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, courage, cultivating self-control, fighting, petty theft, helplessness, immediate happiness, self-awareness, self-restraint, cultivating self-examination, winning awards, being praised, happiness, joy, self-motivation, cultivating self-motivation. As shown in the table above, all these All can become milestone events in a child’s life. Its emotional reactions, psychological sorting, and growth significance are no different from homework and examinations for children\’s emotional intelligence development, which require parents to actively and effectively sort out. When a child\’s emotions are carefully sorted out, parents will find that the optimism, forgiveness, self-discipline, restraint and other qualities he has shown at this moment are worthy of further strengthening and can be developed into milestone events that illuminate the child\’s life. Parents should regard their children as a treasure, learn to look at problems from another perspective, and try their best to discover the positive energy they show in the process of resisting adversity. In this way, children are no longer a burden but a treasure. For example, I sincerely admire those children who do not do well in school but persist in going to school. They have been facing harsh winters in school – \”Classmates don\’t want to see them, teachers don\’t pay attention to them\”. They obviously feel that they are being abused every day, but they still insist on going to school, even cheerfully. Isn\’t this the legendary positive energy of a sunny mentality? If parents can see the optimistic and open-minded qualities of their children and affirm them in time, perhaps the children will be able to find their own strength. Therefore, sorting out milestone events is also about encouraging parents to constantly discover their children’s dominant personalities. Dominant personality is a concept advocated by positive psychology, including optimism, gratitude, forgiveness, humor, innovation, etc.Personality traits. Parents\’ constant combing will guide their children to look for positive energy in negative events and to look for manifestations of superior personality in failure experiences. For example, a child fails to do well in an exam and becomes depressed. With the encouragement of his parents, he began to study actively and made some progress in the second exam. This can be said to be a double gain: first, on the learning level, it proves that one can change the situation through hard work, turn danger into safety, and strengthen self-efficacy; second, on the personality level, it proves that one can face difficulties positively, never give up, and be optimistic. forward. If parents can sort it out in this way, they can discover many milestone events that illuminate their children\’s lives. If parents use their children\’s past successful experiences to inspire them, children are more willing to listen. Because they have been brilliant in the past, their children are more willing to achieve glory again. \”Zhu\’s Family Instructions\” once said: \”If you are eccentric, you will regret and make many mistakes.\” This means that if a person has an eccentric personality and is self-righteous, he will regret it because he often does wrong things. Parents should help their children get out of the vicious cycle of self-defeat and become good at introspection and thinking, so that they will not have so many regrets in life. To sum up what I said above, I put together a limerick to make it easier for parents to understand: There are three provinces in a day, so give more warnings for everything. There is no need to say evil words, the child’s heart will be full. Praising others for their hard work may not necessarily be appreciated. If a child is praised more, he will be more capable in the future.