The greatest pain in a child’s life is when his parents are “too perfect”

As a psychotherapist, my main job is to be the parent of the children I consult again and provide \”corrective emotional experiences.\” Let them inadvertently transfer their early feelings of being hurt onto us, and then respond differently—a more considerate, more empathetic response than they received in childhood. But when I started to receive patients, I discovered that the most painful thing for many children was not that their parents did too little. These kids have it all but are unhappy. The first few patients are almost textbook examples. When they recounted their unhappy childhoods, I had no trouble connecting their sadness to their upbringing. But soon, I met an exception. This girl was in her 20s, smart and beautiful. She told me that she came to counseling because she \”just wasn\’t happy.\” Frustratingly, she added, she couldn\’t figure out what she was unhappy about. She clearly has a pair of \”awesome\” parents, two wonderful siblings, supportive friends, a great education, a cool job, good health, and a beautiful house. There was no history of depression or anxiety in her family. So why does she always have insomnia? Why are we always hesitant, afraid of making mistakes, and unable to stick to our choices? Why does she think she is not as \”amazing\” as her parents have always said and that there is \”always a hole in her heart\”? I was stumped. Instead of an uncaring father, a blame-worthy mother, and other permissive, demeaning, disorganized caregivers, what was the problem? As I tried to figure it out, something amazing happened: more and more similar patients started to appear. My couch is filled with adults in their twenties and thirties who report suffering from depression and anxiety, having difficulty choosing or focusing on a satisfying career path, being unable to maintain good \”intimate\” relationships, and feeling a sense of emptiness. Or lack a sense of purpose—but their parents are blameless. On the contrary, these patients all talked about how much they \”admired\” their parents and said that their parents were their \”most caring friends\” in the world. He always responded to their requests and even paid for them to receive psychological treatment (of course he also paid their rent and car insurance), which made them feel guilty and confused. After all, their biggest complaint is that they have nothing to complain about! Parents try their best, but their children cry out of emptiness. At first, I was very skeptical of these people\’s statements. Childhood is generally not perfect, so if their childhood is perfect, why are they so confused and unsure of themselves? This goes against everything I\’ve ever learned. But after spending some time together, I began to believe that they were not sugarcoating or misinterpreting. They really have caring parents who give them the freedom to \”discover themselves\”; take them to and from school and accompany them to do their homework; help them when they are bullied or isolated; hire tutors in time when they are worried about math; pay for them Let them take guitar lessons (and allow them to give up when they lose interest); they will not punish simply and roughly (use \”logical consequences\” instead of punishment)… In a word, these parents are very \”considerate\” and devoted to guiding my patients. Smoothly survive the trials and tribulations of childhood. As a overwhelmed mother, when I listen to patients’ statements, I often secretly wonder how these great parents do all this. Until one day, another question came to mind: Are these parents doing too much? There are countless similar people who are working hard to be good parents, just so that our children will not end up on the psychiatrist\’s couch in the future, and I am witnessing the flesh-and-blood consequences of this parenting method. We work so hard to provide the right upbringing for our children, yet when they grow up, they sit in a psychiatrist’s office complaining that they feel empty, confused, and anxious. When I was a PhD student, the clinical focus in the academy was on how a lack of parental consideration affects children. No one thought to ask: What happens to these children if their parents are overly considerate? Over-protection deprives happiness In the United States, parenting has always been a controversial topic because the risks are too high and it is difficult for various schools of thought to come to a conclusion. There has always been tension between different schools: the intimate parenting school VS the strict teaching school, the child-centered school VS the parent-centered school, and the social trend has been \”Hedong for thirty years, Hexi for thirty years.\” However, the fundamental purpose of all parenting methods is the same: to develop children into happy adults in the future. However, what has changed in recent years is that people have different views and definitions of happiness. Nowadays, happiness alone is not enough, you need to be happier. The American Dream and the pursuit of happiness has mutated from \”seeking general satisfaction\” to \”you must be happy at all times and in all aspects.\” \”I am happy,\” Gretchen Rubin wrote in her best-selling book The Happiness Project, \”but I should be happier.\” This pursuit has swept the United States and become a national movement. So how happy should she be? Rubin isn\’t sure either. It sounds like she\’s in the exact same situation as some of my patients: wonderful parents, a handsome, wealthy husband, two healthy, loving kids, a huge circle of friends, a Yale law degree, and a successful freelance writing career… nevertheless , Rubin was still dissatisfied, \”it seemed like something was missing.\” In order to eliminate this emptiness, she began a \”happy journey\”: making a list of actions, buying three new magazines every Monday, and constantly tidying up her wardrobe. After a full year of hard work, Rubin admits she\’s still struggling. “In a sense, I made myself less happy,” she wrote. She went on to reveal one of the so-called “mysteries of adulthood”: “Happiness doesn’t always make you happy.” Make happiness a goal Modern sociological research backs up her claim. \”Happiness as a byproduct of life is a wonderful thing,\” said Barry Schwartz, professor of sociology at Swarthmore College. \”But pursuing happiness as a goal can only lead to disaster.\” Many modern parents are It was the tireless pursuit of this goal that had the opposite effect. My colleagues and I began to wonder: Could it be that parents were too protective of their children when they were young to prevent them from being unhappy, thereby depriving them of their happiness as adults? The answer is probably yes, says UCLA psychiatrist Paul Bonn. In clinical practice, Bonn found that many parents will do everything possible to avoid their children experiencingEven the slightest discomfort, anxiety or disappointment. As children grow up and face normal setbacks, they think something is seriously wrong. When a toddler trips over a rock in the park and just falls to the ground, before he has time to cry, some parents will swoop over to pick up the child and comfort him. This effectively deprives children of their sense of security—not just in the playground, but in life. If you don\’t let your child experience the moment of confusion, give her a moment to understand what happened (\”Oh, I fell\”). Let her first grasp the frustration of falling and try to get up on her own. Then she will not know what it feels like to be uncomfortable, and she will not know how to deal with troubles in her future life. When these kids go to college, they turn to their parents for help for the smallest troubles instead of finding solutions to the problems themselves. If, when a child stumbles over a stone, her parents allow her to recover for a second and then comfort her, the child will learn: \”It was scary for a second, but I\’m fine now. If something unpleasant happens, If it happens, I can handle it myself.\” Bonn said that in most cases, children will cope well on their own, but many parents never figure this out because they are too busy helping their children too early when they don\’t need protection. This reminds me of myself, when my son fell in the sand pit, I sprinted forward. I recall that when my son was four years old, a friend of mine died of cancer. My first thought at the time was: I can’t tell him. After all, he didn\’t even know she was sick. And all the parenting books I\’ve read say that learning about the death of a relative or friend is terrible for a child. Finally, I told my son the truth. He asked a lot of questions but didn\’t pass out from shock. In short, in Bonn\’s words, my trust in my son made him trust me more and ultimately feel more secure. By informing him of this, I was sending the message that I believed he could handle his grief and anxiety, and that I would be there to help him through it. Not telling him sends another message: I don\’t think he can handle the discomfort. And this is exactly the message many adults implicitly convey to their children every day. Parents of children who don\’t like classmates in the car drive them to school themselves. Dan Kendron, a Harvard lecturer and child psychologist, said that if a child does not experience painful feelings, he cannot develop \”psychological immunity.\” \”It\’s like the development of the body\’s immune system,\” he explains. \”You have to expose the child to pathogens, otherwise the body won\’t know how to respond to the attack. The child also needs to be exposed to frustration, failure and struggle. I know parents who: once the child does not When they make the baseball team or get a role in a school play, they call the school to complain. Another child said he didn\’t like another child he rode to school with, and the parents didn\’t teach the child how to tolerate others. Just drive your children to school yourself. These children have never experienced any hardship until adolescence. The so-called civilization is learning to adapt to less than perfect situations, but parents often take action immediately when they encounter displeasure to pave the way for their children.\” Wen, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles Dee Mogel, who published the book \”Putting Down the Kids\” 10 years ago, became a celebrity in many schools in the United States.School counselor. She told me that in the past few years, there had been an increase in the number of “teacup” freshmen—they were so fragile that they were likely to break if they bumped against a wall. “Parents, with good intentions, absorb all their worries throughout their childhood,” Mogel observes, “and as a result, they grow up without knowing how to deal with setbacks.” “Parent expulsors” hired by universities “even Even if you have the best parents in the world, you still have bad times.\” \”A child should experience normal anxiety in order to be resilient,\” says Jeff Blum, a family psychologist in Los Angeles. \”If we want our children to grow up to be more independent, we should prepare them every day for their future absences.\” Bloom believes that many of us simply cannot let our children go because we rely on them to fill the emotional holes in our lives. Yes, we spend countless hours, energy, and treasure on our children, but for whom? \”We confuse our needs with our children\’s needs and think that\’s the best way to parent,\” Bloom says, sighing. In a New York Times article, Renee Bacher, a mother in Louisiana, described the emptiness she felt after sending her daughter to college in the northeastern United States. Bacher originally wanted to get some comfort from other mother friends, but he didn\’t expect that they were busy buying refrigerators for their children\’s college dormitories, or rushing home to help middle school students turn off their computers. So Bacher would go to his daughter\’s dormitory from time to time, find various excuses to find fault with his daughter\’s roommates, and stay for a long time on the pretext of helping with the move. At first she argued that it was for her daughter\’s good, but eventually admitted: \”What people call a \’helicopter parent\’ is my kind of person.\” Mothers like Bacher are not uncommon. Mogel said that at the beginning of each year, parents linger on campus, and university administrators have to use various tactics to \”driving\” parents of new students away. The University of Chicago added a bagpipe song at the end of the commencement ceremony—the first to lead freshmen to the next activity, and the second to drive parents away from their children. The University of Vermont employs \”parent expulsors\” who are responsible for keeping out persistent parents. Many schools also appoint informal \”parent receptionists\” who deal with difficult adults. Much has been written in recent years about why so many twenty-somethings refuse to grow up, but the problem is often not that children refuse to separate and individuate, but that parents prevent them from doing so. Harvard\’s Kendron also observes that because we have fewer children than our ancestors did, each child becomes more precious. At the same time, we demand more from our children—more companionship, more achievements, and more happiness. In the process, the line between selflessness (making our children happy) and selfishness (making ourselves happy) becomes increasingly blurred. I recall a conversation I had with a summer camp director. She was introducing me to activities for my son’s age group. When she mentioned basketball, T-ball, football, etc., she quickly said, “Of course they are all non-competitive. We don’t encourage competition.” I couldn’t help it. When you laugh, it turns out that competition is a scourge, and children are afraid to avoid it. What we adopted is actually to “have the cake and eat it too”Attitude: Wanting children to achieve high levels of achievement without requiring them to make the sacrifices and struggles necessary to achieve that level of achievement. Choice and Security The irony is that, to a large extent, self-confidence has little to do with whether a person will be happy in the future, especially when self-confidence comes from constant tolerance and praise rather than from real achievements. Research shows that what predicts a person\’s future fulfillment and success is determination, adaptability, and the ability to accept reality tests. With these qualities, people can live smoothly. But today, many children don’t have the opportunity to learn these qualities. Kindergarten teacher Jane feels this deeply. She gave an example: A mother sent her child to school. When she was busy signing in, the child ran to the side to play and had a conflict with another child. Her child got the truck first, but another child snatched it away. The two argued for a while, and the child took an old truck and threw it to her child. Seeing that there was no hope of victory, her children accepted this arrangement. But the mother quit and ran over to reason, saying \”that\’s not fair\” and asking the child to give the truck back. You see, the child was fine, her child was very well-adjusted, but she ruined that. \”We do teach children not to grab toys, but this kind of thing happens from time to time. Children need to learn to solve problems on their own.\” Another kindergarten teacher who has been teaching for 17 years said that over the years, parents have increasingly interfered in their children\’s affairs. path to maturity. \”After entering school, children will realize that they are not the center of the world, which is good for them. Because at some point, other people\’s feelings are indeed more important than theirs.\” The teacher also said that there are many more Parents, they think they set limits, but in fact they don’t. When their children pestered them to buy ice cream, their parents refused at first, but gave in after several negotiations. \”Every year parents come to me and ask, \’Why doesn\’t my child listen to me? Why can\’t she take no for an answer?\’ and I say, \’The reason your child can\’t take no for an answer is because you never say no.\’\” Swarthmore College sociology professor Barry Schwartz believes that loving parents give their children many choices every day, but the results are unexpected. \”The idea of ​​our time is that it\’s good to have choices, and the more choices the better,\” he said, \”but that\’s not true.\” When there are fewer choices, children feel more secure and less anxious. Having fewer options helps them focus on something, which is what they need later in life. Research shows that focusing on one task gives people greater satisfaction, and those who are always faced with many choices often fall behind. Schwartz told me, \”What I\’m saying is not to say don\’t let your kids try out all kinds of interests or activities, but to give them choices rationally. A lot of parents tell their kids, \’You can do whatever you want and you can quit at any time. If you’re not 100% interested, try something else.’ So, is it any wonder that when they grow up and live the same way?” When we provide our children with countless choices, we convey this to them. Message: They are entitled to a perfect life. As Harvard psychologist Dan Kendron said: Children’s emotional intelligence training + igniting learning ability + good habitsStrength + Thinking Skills Training Series Parenting Courses [Audio + PDF + Materials] \”When they feel unhappy, there will be another choice in front of them.\” There is a belief hidden under the anxiety of parents, that is: if we do the right thing , children will not only grow into happy adults, but also adults who make us happy. This is a misunderstanding. Although parenting is important, it cannot trump nature, and different parenting methods are suitable for different children. We can expose children to art, but we cannot teach them creativity; we can protect them from nasty classmates, bad grades, and other factors, but they will always encounter unpleasantness in life. In fact, when you go to great lengths to provide them with a perfect childhood, it only makes it harder for your children to grow up.