The greatest tragedy for a family is that despite your good intentions, your children cannot be happy (good and in-depth article)

A few days ago, I came across a video that was very heartbreaking. In the music class of the Boston master, a little Chinese girl played the violin very well. But after listening to this, the master was full of doubts. Because he couldn\’t see a smile at all on the girl\’s face. The master turned around and asked the girl\’s mother: \”Is she beautiful?\” The mother said: \”Not beautiful.\” \”Then she pulls well?\” The mother said: \”Not good either.\” The master finally couldn\’t bear it anymore and said to his mother: \”It\’s very serious. I tell you, your job is to make her happy! She is so good and deserves any kind of praise!\” However, the little girl was still unhappy when she heard the master\’s praise. The thin girl stood aside and looked at her mother cautiously. Perhaps at that moment, what she wanted most was to hear her mother say \”you are great\”, and what she wanted most was a hug from her mother. Unfortunately, there are none. The messages in the video comment area are even more heartbreaking. \”When I get home, my mother will definitely say that I have to laugh when I play the violin from now on. Did you hear me?\” \”It\’s so suffocating. My mother will definitely say that all this is for your own good!\” Let\’s not rush to condemn this mother. Let\’s take a look at her first. What does it look like. First of all, her face was full of exhaustion. She must have been very tired taking her daughter to compete abroad. In addition, she is dressed simply, so she must be frugal for her daughter. The daughter in the video makes people sad, and this mother also makes people feel bad. This scene seems to be the epitome of millions of families. Parents try their best, but the children are not happy. The more well-intentioned parents are, the harder it is for their children to be happy. Teacher Li Meijin once said: Compared with the psychological sunshine and intelligence in the growth process of children, sunshine is more important than intelligence. To be honest, among us parents, who doesn’t understand this truth, and who doesn’t want to raise happy children? But in today\’s environment where utilitarianism is rampant and education is involution, who dares to truly pursue \”happy education\”. My colleague Xiaojuan has dark circles under her eyes and looks listless every time I see her. Since her son entered junior high school, she got up at five o\’clock every day to prepare nutritious meals for her son, and she still had to accompany her son to do homework at ten o\’clock in the evening. On the two weekends, I have to take my children to tutoring classes or participate in extracurricular activities. She thought she could send her child to a key high school in this way, but what happened? Her child failed the high school entrance examination and became depressed, all of which made her very depressed. A few days ago, I went to visit her. Before I even entered the door, I heard Xiaojuan scolding: \”Other people\’s children are fine, why should you be depressed?\” \”I woke up early and stayed late because of you, and failed in the exam. How can you deserve me?\” As she talked, Xiaojuan burst into tears. Immediately afterwards, there was a loud \”clang\” sound, and the child seemed to have smashed something. Then, he opened the door suddenly, ignored me, and left without looking back. I stood awkwardly at the door, not knowing whether to comfort Xiaojuan or hold the young man first. That day, Xiaojuan and I talked for a long time, trying to make her understand that she was not the only one suffering. Do you think your children will be happy if you sacrifice like this? Isn’t guilt and pressure a form of suffering? We give based on wishful thinking, but we also have to look at what our children want. We consider his future and cannot sacrifice his present. I remember what the American writer Susan Forward wrote in \”Family of Origin\”: Parents plant spiritual and emotional roots in their children.Seeds of sense, they will grow with the child. But now, when our children think of us, they urge, accuse, and complain. Even if this is for the children\’s benefit, it is true that they are unhappy. After a child has been depressed for a long time, it will be too late to regain energy. A post by blogger @阿青 has resonated with many people. He said that when he was a child, he always thought that after going to college, the sky would be high and the birds would fly away. Who would have thought that every day when I grow up, I will live a very depressed life. I racked my brains for grades in college, and worked hard for performance after work. Before he was thirty, he was tortured to death by various internal conflicts. Ah Qing analyzed himself and found that he had been embarrassed to laugh since he was a child. Whenever he hears his mother sighing or sees his father frowning, the signal sent back from his sensitive nerves is: you haven\’t worked hard enough, you have failed to live up to expectations, you need to work harder… Throughout the whole growing process, Aqing didn\’t care about himself at all. The mood is so intense that I just keep my head down and work hard. Today\’s Ah Qing looks very good on the surface. He graduated in 985 and is an employee of a Fortune 500 company. But in fact, as his post said, he is a boring \”human machine\”. It can be seen that a person\’s bright future cannot be bought by sacrificing childhood. Long-term depression, depression, and fear will greatly overdraw a child\’s vitality. And how can people who have exhausted their energy have the strength to manage the future? Harvard University conducted a 75-year social study. Researchers conduct follow-up surveys on people of different classes, nationalities, and educational backgrounds. Examine their work conditions, family lives, and health conditions year after year. The purpose of going through so much trouble is to explore what determines a person\’s happiness. In the end, experts concluded that whether people live a happy life has little to do with wealth, fame, work, and marriage. The key factor that can make people happy is \”good relationship\”. This conclusion also applies to children. If we fail to build good relationships with our children, unhappy childhoods will follow them throughout their lives. Success in education and happiness in life are never opposites. The psychologist Erikson has a very famous \”Personality Development Theory.\” It means that people have different psychological development tasks at different stages. Before adulthood, we need to build trust, autonomy and self-awareness; after adulthood, we need to acquire the ability to love, social responsibility, and self-integration. The prerequisite for a healthy personality is to complete the corresponding development tasks at each stage of growth. And this requires us to create a relaxed and pleasant living environment for our children. First, to be interesting parents, you might as well have some humor in your life. Qian Zhongshu’s daughter, Qian Yuan, wrote a short essay called “Dad Makes Me Fun”, which contains many interesting things about the father and daughter. For example, Qian Zhongshu would use his daughter\’s face and belly as drawing paper to secretly draw beards and grimaces; for example, Qian Zhongshu would hide some small toys under the quilt and wait for his daughter to \”clear mines\”; for another example, Qian Zhongshu He would give his daughter various nicknames, such as Miss Gao Ge, Tuan Tuan, Wan Zi… With such a childlike father, Qian Yuan also became the pistachio of the family. And when she grew up, no matter what trouble she encountered, she was always optimistic and positive. Teacher Zhang Defen said: InterestingParents are better able to raise optimistic children. If parents are more humorous and interesting, their children can grow up to be their own little sunshine in joy. Second, say less \”Listen to me\” and more \”I\’ll listen to your ideas.\” The psychologist Piaget did a famous \”Three Mountains Experiment\”: in front of three rockery models of different heights, sizes, and colors, The researcher asked the children to observe carefully. Then put a toy doll on the back of the mountain and ask the child to describe the \”mountain\” the doll sees. As a result, no child completed the task. Because, as young people, they can only describe the shape of the \”Three Mountains\” from their own perspective. In other words, when faced with one thing, children have their own opinions, but it is difficult for them to imagine in another person\’s shoes. This is why we worry so much about them, but they care more about whether they are happy or not. In view of this characteristic of children\’s growth, what we have to do is not to be reasonable. Instead, say less \”Listen to me\” and more \”What do you think about this matter?\” When children are able to express themselves, many of their inner emotional problems are easily solved. Third, go deep into the details of life and give children the power of gratitude. The well-known journalist Jin Weichun said in \”There is Only One Thing in Life\”: Gratitude is the most powerful energy in life, and it goes hand in hand with happiness. If you want to raise happy children, you need to give them the power of gratitude. The gratitude mentioned here does not mean that our children should be grateful to us and repay us. Instead, lead them to discover the small blessings in life. I can\’t go to expensive cram schools, but there are a lot of learning resources on the Internet; I didn\’t get good grades, but today my classmate shared a fun story; I didn\’t pass the exam, but the roses bloomed along the way, which is really pleasing to the eye. Gratitude is a good medicine for inner healing and the ability to detect happiness. No child who lives in gratitude is happy. Fourth, use positive psychology to interpret children’s resilience. Jia Xinchao, a psychological counselor, was once asked by her fifth-grade daughter: Why are people alive? He was very shocked and wondered how his daughter could think about such issues at such a young age. It turns out that my daughter is under a lot of pressure in her studies, and she often becomes discouraged after a slight setback. Only then did Jia Xinchao realize that the resilience of this generation of children needs to be improved. So he began to use positive psychology to educate his children. He said that as long as you pursue a meaningful life, even if you encounter failure, even if the results are not as expected, the pursuit process is meaningful. The world is dialectical. Everything has a good side and is all meant to teach us something. Let your child understand this, and he will not wallow in failure, but will be able to change his perspective and find meaning from failure. Written at the end of \”Qi Pa Shuo\” debater Xi Rui said this: \”One of the most important functions of the family is to help children create more happy moments that can be recalled. These small joys are like energy bullets. , will penetrate into the realm of life that cannot be seen with the naked eye, making the child\’s life full and rich, and it will also become a ladder for self-rescue when the child encounters difficulties and setbacks. \”I know that your love and expectations for your child are all. Really; I also know that you have paid a lot for your children. But while we are busy, we might as well think about how much we care about our childrenIsn’t your original intention to hope that he will be healthy and happy? Stop putting pressure on yourself and your children, relax yourself and make your children happy. I believe that parents who are truly attentive know what to do. Share it with your friends.