The highest level of encouragement for children is to say this sentence often

In a consultation, a parent mentioned how to improve their child\’s self-confidence. The child is 15 years old and is taller than she is, but often hangs his head. To outsiders, this child seems to be lacking in energy, but she herself knows that the child is not confident enough. I asked her: What do you think? She said: I know it was when she was in elementary school. The relationship between my husband and I was very bad, which caused him to lack a sense of security during that period, his grades also declined, and he was often criticized by the teacher. This reason is established. So what\’s next? Later, they did not divorce, saying that there was no principled error, so they chose to slowly repair their relationship. When the relationship between husband and wife becomes more and more stable, they begin to pay attention to the needs of the child and consciously accompany and praise the child. For example, if a child does homework faster, the father will give the child a thumbs up. When the child is no longer sulking when he wakes up in the morning, the mother will say: My son is great, he wakes up quickly. They put in a lot of effort, but with little success. Regardless of the teacher’s feedback or what they themselves see, the child still seems not confident enough. She asked me: Teacher, what else can I do? I gave her something to think about on the spot: recall what the child did well in the past ten days, including his own things and anything he did for the family. She listed 8 items, including: handing in the mobile phone on time, completing homework on time, delivering medicine to grandma\’s house, walking the dog, taking out the trash, buying band-aids for her mother, picking up express delivery for her father, and fixing the doorbell. I don’t know what you think when you read these articles. My thoughts are: This is really a good child who is self-disciplined, conscious, warm and loving. I asked my mother how she felt, and she said: Oh, I usually pay attention to the things he doesn\’t do well, such as not liking sports and having average grades. After listing these things today, I realized that my child is really good. Then, I asked her again, what is your feedback after the child does these things? She said that sometimes she would say: My child, you are so diligent, you are so kind, etc. The child said \”Oh\” after hearing this, and then walked away. Why are children indifferent? Not excited? It\’s like your department\’s performance this quarter is very good, and your boss holds a meeting for you, and his speech is like this: You have done a good job this month, and I am here to commend you. You are all great. You may seem inspired by it, but after a while, the encouragement dissipates. Subsequently, you may be worried, if the performance of the next quarter is not as good as this quarter, will the boss scold us and say that we are poor? Because the boss\’s praise is very official, very general, and very ethereal. The same is true for children. When he does something, the feedback he gets is almost the same. He will be confused, what is good about me, where is my greatness, what am I good at, what can this greatness bring to me, and what can I do? What does it bring to parents? This mother is confused: What should I do? I asked her: When you are injured and your colleague buys you a band-aid, what will you do? What would you say if your neighbor just took your trash and threw it away while you were busy? What would you think when your mother needs medicine and you can\’t leave, but your friend is willing to run errands to deliver it to you? If your client used to have a gloomy look on her face every time she met you, but suddenly one day she smiles when she sees you, how would you feel?Sleep? How would you express this feeling? … She opened her eyes wide and eagerly expected me to give an answer. After I said this series of \”ifs\”, she suddenly took a deep breath and said meaningfully: \”Teacher, I understand.\” I should say: thank you. Yes, we are polite to others, but at home, this etiquette becomes \”should\”. If a child does something, he or she feels that it is what he should do. If he doesn\’t, he is criticized for being lazy, ignorant, and unfilial. If things continue like this, it will be difficult for children to experience their own value, no matter what they do or not. The mother also raised a question: If I say thank you to my child every day, will it make him feel proud and feel great? This is a good question. When we give our children candy, we worry that they will become addicted to it. When we take our children to the amusement park, we are afraid that they will come to play there every day. When we see that they have a mobile phone, we are worried that they will use the Internet. Addiction, when I see him chatting with classmates of the opposite sex, I worry about his puppy love… This is a question that does not need to be answered, because when you have this question, you are in an irrational state, and what you open is the subconscious. The subconscious opens, and you The torrent of fear burst its banks. Then it\’s your fear you need to deal with, not the child. Returning to this visitor, I asked her how her relationship with her mother was? Her eyes turned red and she said her relationship with her mother was a little distant. The reason is that her mother always rejects her. For example, every time she went back, she would buy clothes, supplements, and give red envelopes to her mother. Mom blocked it back as if she was electrocuted. He said it very considerately: I have money, so don’t buy these. Just keep the money and live your life. At first, she thought her mother was being polite, so she would convince her to accept it. Once her mother was sick and had just been discharged from the hospital, she gave her mother a red envelope and calcium tablets. My mother refused to accept it, saying that she had medical insurance and could not spend a lot of money, so even buying calcium tablets would be reimbursed. She said: \”I almost knelt down to my mother and begged her to accept it.\” Later, her mother accepted it, but when she came back, she found that the red envelope was in her bag again and was returned by her mother. At that moment, I was very angry and powerless. She didn\’t know what she had done wrong and was always rejected by her mother. I asked her: \”If you go back to that moment, what do you most want your mother to say and do?\” She said: \”I hope my mother will happily accept the money and gifts I gave her, and then say to me, thank you, daughter.\” . \”How will you feel if she does this?\” I continued to ask. She said: \”I will feel that I am capable, can be filial to my mother, and can contribute to my mother\’s life in her later years.\” Because she did not get these, she was both looking forward to and afraid every time she returned to her parents\’ home. I look forward to seeing my mother, but I am afraid of facing her mother\’s rejection. Including doing housework and buying groceries, my mother would refuse. The mother seems to be omnipotent and capable, and does not need her daughter\’s existence. We know that there is a balance between giving and receiving. Between parents and children, if the parents only give but do not accept the children\’s contributions, then the relationship will be unbalanced. The children will not become rich, but will become more lacking. The true balance is when parents give and receive while being grateful at the same time. I am grateful for the arrival of my child in this life, and for every growth and development of my child.progress. Where does a child\’s power come from? It grows out of \”doing\”. Every time you watch him do it, and feel joy and gratitude from the bottom of your heart, you are recognizing the value of this life. He gives and you receive. Whether it\’s a sesame seed or a diamond. Whether it’s getting you a glass of water or carrying you to the hospital. You all know that this is an expression of his love and the process of developing his abilities. This is the highest form of encouragement. When you praise him, you are just recognizing that he has performed well on something, and when you thank him, you are affirming the meaning and value of his entire existence, which is a kind of sublimation. This kind of sublimation can not only develop the child\’s ability, but also allow him to develop from a person who is only willing to contribute to the family to a talent who is willing to take social responsibilities. This is parenting success.