The invisible mental internal friction in Chinese families: No beating or scolding, and the parent-child relationship is ruined by talking and laughing.

Recently, I saw a topic on Weibo – \”Why do you never share your daily life with your parents?\” and it was highly discussed. The reason was that a netizen shared an experience of his on social platforms: the takeaway he ordered was stolen, so he told his parents about it angrily on WeChat, but the reply he got was: \”I\’m not going to eat.\” Do you want to eat in the dining hall? Don’t be special. It’s safe and healthy to eat in the dining hall from now on.” The angry netizens felt like they were stuck in their throats and were speechless. His experience resonated with everyone, and many people shared their own experiences on this topic. Someone also lost the takeout and complained to his parents, but the first reply he got was \”You have to be compassionate\” and was told \”you shouldn\’t order takeout\”… Someone shared photos of his outing with his parents. But I was told to study quickly and \”don\’t waste time.\” Someone shared his fresh experience of talking to a foreigner for the first time, and was replied: \”What are the good things about foreigners?\” Someone told his father about the grievances he suffered while working part-time, but he did not expect to be lectured by his father again. Someone told their parents about the exhaustion of work, and the responses they received were, \”I don\’t feel tired no matter what I do\” or \”It\’s not a big deal.\” A netizen originally liked sharing his daily life with his parents, but his parents always pointed out that he had eaten fried food once or twice and criticized him for eating unhealthy. Gradually, he became unwilling to share. Some netizens also said that they were helpless. In order to chat more with their parents, they usually rack their brains to share their daily life, but the reply they received was, \”Pay less attention to others and improve yourself more.\” At first, I just watched the trending searches and joined in the fun, but the more I read everyone’s replies, the more frustrated I became. It can be felt that many of the people who left these comments are still students, or young people who have just entered society. They are not very young, and their parents still occupy a large proportion in their hearts. Although there are regrets in communicating with parents, they still have a strong desire to share, as the netizen below said: \”Because you are my parents, I complain.\” How did I communicate with my parents when I was their age? The memory is already a little blurry. Now, like most people, I no longer even have the \”obsession\” to share. To be honest, even though I write articles every day on my official account, I am willing to share them with fellow students no matter how big or small they are. But in front of my parents, I am definitely a relatively dull person. Any complaints or coquettish thoughts that are brewing on my lips will eventually turn into a superficial greeting. Daily communication is basically just asking for help, and it is basically over in three rounds. Even if he occasionally talked about his own affairs, he would do so in an understatement, and he would definitely \”report good things but not bad things.\” Chatting with friends around me, I found that everyone is almost like this. I\’m afraid that the big two babies who surround me every day, chirping and happy to share, will one day become like this. What happened that caused many people to go from the \”little sticky bean buns\” that wanted to share everything with their parents when they were young, to the \”big refrigerators\” that they didn\’t want their parents to share anything with? There is a popular question on Zhihu with 30,000+ followers and over one million views: “What causes children to have problems while growing up?”Your son doesn’t want to communicate with his parents anymore? \”The answers and comments under the question are full of \”human reality\”. After reading dozens of highly praised answers, I want to share some of my thoughts and feelings with you. \”Ignore what children say.\” Children\’s world is very complicated. Simple, especially when you are young, your parents are your child\’s world, and the love and trust that children have for their parents are innate and do not involve any utilitarian purpose. Many people often refuse to communicate with their parents. He realized that what I said was not important. Zhihu netizen @我爱Braised Pork’s experience as a child left a very deep impression on me. When I was very young, my mother gave me a bath because she was afraid that I would catch a cold. When I was in the hospital, I would use very hot hot water, which would not burn people, but I was still a toddler at that time and my skin was relatively delicate, and most of my body had to be soaked in water, so I would feel pain every time. It was unbearable. By that time I was already able to speak, and I protested to my mother more than once: \”The water is too hot. But my mother was indifferent to this. She said every time: \”It\’s not hot at all. It\’s okay. It will cool down after washing.\” \”The number of times has increased, so I won\’t say it, but I am more and more afraid of taking a bath. Then one time, the water was so hot that my whole body was immersed in the water, and I was so scared. I automatically figured it out in my mind. One moment: I said the bath water was too hot, but my mother said it was not hot at all and continued to bathe me. Once again, I could only endure it silently. At that moment, I was desperate. I didn’t know what to do. I could only bathe in the scalding heat. I kept suffering in the water. Finally, I broke down and started crying. This netizen’s childhood experience finally ended with her mother yelling: “She will never understand that I have gritted my teeth at a young age. How many times have I endured scalding bath water? How painful it was for me to take a bath. How much I struggled in my heart that day, what kind of struggle my thoughts went through, and how helpless I was before I exploded. \”Like this netizen\’s mother, many parents always think that they understand their children very well, and even think that their own ideas can completely replace their children\’s ideas. Or they think that children\’s things are trivial and not worthy of attention compared with adults\’ things. Therefore, being unwilling to listen to the child at all will make the child dissatisfied. In the final analysis, it is because the parent does not respect the child and is unwilling to give the child a chance to express himself or try to understand the child\’s true thoughts. We should always remind ourselves: How valuable it is for children to be willing to speak their own thoughts! You must know that one of the important signs of children starting to think independently is to develop their own ideas about many things. Children are far more important than raising an obedient child. Even disagreements and even disputes are good. It shows that the child\’s self-awareness is constantly increasing and his mind is becoming increasingly mature. If the child really gives up the struggle, it may be possible. They will stay away from their parents and refuse to communicate. Therefore, we must listen carefully to our children and respect their expressions. \”I have to say a few words to you…\” When hearing their children share their lives, there are many parents who choose to despise or ignore them. They choose to preach in the first place, perhaps because they think this is the case.The method is the most direct, efficient and time-saving. A long time ago, I read this story in a book about education: a high school boy played a very enjoyable basketball game with his friends on the weekend. After returning home, he excitedly shared his feelings with his father: \”Dad, playing basketball feels great!\” His father said to him seriously: \”Basketball is a very good sport. Exercise your body and willpower, and the most important thing is that you have to persist, not just for a moment. \”This story was short, but it touched me so deeply that I forgot which book I read it in. , but remember the details of the story clearly. Perhaps, the same story is playing out in thousands of Chinese families. There may be countless \”basketball boys\” and boy fathers around us. It is not difficult to imagine that when every \”basketball boy\” hears such an answer, his heart will be as panicked as if he had eaten an iron knot. In fact, when I took out the note from the boy\’s father, there was nothing wrong with it at all. But in this situation, there is a big problem. He completely ignored the child\’s signal that he wanted to communicate emotionally, and just said what he thought was good for the child. I don’t know how many children have been heartbroken by such “self-righteous” answers from their parents. One netizen’s message hit me hard: “But what’s even more sad is that you know they all love you, and they didn’t mean it.” Yes, parents who like to preach will always feel that they are sincere. Educating children respectfully is an expression of true love for children. But if you think about it carefully, you will find that the message conveyed by this kind of behavior of parents is actually: \”Everything I do is right, and any of your thoughts, feelings and experiences are wrong.\” \”You can\’t have any relationship with me.\” Different thoughts, feelings and experiences”… It is undeniable that parents do have richer life experiences than children. But we can be our children\’s partners, backers, and supporters instead of being their commanders. We can\’t always look down on our children. Therefore, restraining our desire to preach, putting ourselves at eye level with our children, and not being a condescending ruler will make our communication with our children smoother. \”Can the child handle it on his own?\” Another reason why most people are reluctant to share their daily life with their parents, or \”report good things but not bad things\” is that parents\’ reactions are \”excessive\”, which instead brings us problems. burden. Some parents take their children\’s troubles too seriously. Because they care too much about their children, they always give feedback to their children with a sense of \”on tenterhooks\”. Some parent-teacher conferences feel like the sky is falling, and they sigh all day long. Some parents are so worried that they don\’t even think about food and drink, and instead blame their children for causing trouble for them. Some parents will \”refresh old scores\” from time to time. What started out as a small matter gradually accumulates into a heavy mountain, weighing on their children and making them breathless. When we want to share something, our idea is actually very simple – share happy things, hoping that the other person will be happy too, doubling the happiness; share sad things, hoping that the other person can sympathize with the sadness and have one more person understand. For myself, the sadness will be reduced by half. If you get a replyYou should always be so nervous that \”small things are magnified and big things are overwhelming\”. As time goes by, you naturally lose the desire to share. Therefore, we must be calm parents, give our children more positive hints, and encourage them more, so that they can face life more confidently and be more willing to communicate with us. There is a friend in the team who is very close to her parents. She told me that the reason why she is close to her parents is: I like to share my daily life with my parents because I know they will listen to me carefully. He will also tolerate and understand me. When I talk about happy things, they will respond to me with enthusiasm; when I talk about troublesome things, they will listen quietly and say one or two soothing words from time to time; they like to contact and learn new things more than young people, and their vision is not behind at all. , their mentality is also super good, they can turn the page faster than me, it’s really fun to chat with them! I hope we can all become this kind of \”magic parents\” and encourage our classmates. When I was last writing this article, I saw an article in \”Sanlian Life Weekly\”, \”At 36 years old, I still doubt that my mother doesn\’t love me\”, and I was struck by it. After talking about so many phenomena, the most profound question reflected in our hearts is this sentence: I know that my parents love me, but why do they treat us like this? Of course, at this age, I have become a parent myself, and I have been able to understand and accept what my parents do. This article is not written to denounce them, but to remind ourselves. Although we do not agree with or even like what our parents do, sometimes we unconsciously copy them and become what we least want to be. Don\’t let our children doubt our love for them.