The love and responsibility of gardeners and carpenters

\”The Gardener and the Carpenter\” (1) Love and Responsibility How does a mother mobilize her \”pig teammates\”? Why are parents anxious? Usually there are two reasons: \”What did my child do?\” My child is too naughty, doesn\’t eat well, doesn\’t sleep well, does dangerous actions, fights over grabbing things, doesn\’t take the initiative to say hello, isn\’t focused on studying… Problems like these, parents I often have one sentence on my lips: \”Why are you so disobedient?\” \”What did other people\’s children do?\” Other people\’s children are self-conscious, obedient, and have good grades. Other people\’s children are considerate, sensible, and take the initiative to do housework. Even other people\’s children have attended ## training classes… Nowadays, many parents may say I won’t talk about it, but I still unconsciously compare myself to “Look at other people’s children.” In fact, the source of both kinds of anxiety is \”comparison\”. The first is to compare with parents’ mental standards; the second is to compare with the standards of outstanding peers. \”No comparison, no harm.\” The most direct form of this harm is probably the anxiety it brings to parents. Anxiety is divided into pathological and realistic. Parents\’ anxiety is based on reality and belongs to realistic anxiety, which can help us mobilize our potential to solve problems. Parents will definitely say: Yes, it is because the child has a problem, so the child\’s problem needs to be solved… Let\’s follow the cognitive model of cognitive behavioral therapy to see where the problem mainly comes from. CCTV Recommendation: More than 500 high-scoring excellent documentaries are recommended. Children have watched Pattern Explosion and are addicted to self-discipline. It can be seen that there are two direct factors that produce such anxiety: triggering situations and automatic thinking. The triggering situation is the child\’s, while the automatic thoughts are the parent\’s. When it comes to parenting anxiety, triggering situations and changes in automatic thoughts go hand in hand. Therefore, you can’t just focus on your children, you also need to pay attention to your own automatic thoughts. If parents can pay more attention to their children\’s emotions, accept their children, lead by example, and follow the rules of their children\’s development (automatic thinking), their children\’s behavior will naturally improve, they will be obedient and sensible, and their grades will improve (triggering situations). Of course, for most parents, it is difficult to do this. Because the reason why we have such behavioral patterns and thinking logic today is determined by our genes and growth experience. As the saying goes, \”It\’s easy to change a country but hard to change its nature.\” It is very difficult for us to change. Therefore, to accept children, we must first accept ourselves, only then can we understand children better. This is the first step in our journey to parenthood. 00 \”The Gardener and the Carpenter\” Psychologists\’ opinion today shares with you a parenting classic – \”The Gardener and the Carpenter\”. Author: Alison Gopnik has a Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Oxford, a professor in the Department of Psychology and a visiting professor in the Department of Philosophy at the University of California, Berkeley, and an internationally recognized leading expert in the study of children\’s learning and development. She overturned the classic \”blank slate theory\” and used mathematical models to explain how children learn. She was the first psychologist to deeply analyze philosophical issues from the perspective of children\’s consciousness. She is one of the founders of \”Theory of Mind\” (this theory is expressed in the form ofto illustrate how children understand what other people are thinking, an ability that is one of the most important developments in psychology and philosophy in the past fifteen years). Why is this book called \”The Gardener and the Carpenter\”? Carpenter-style parenting – customized parenting is just like a carpenter building furniture. As long as the wood is customized according to the size of the parts, the designed furniture will be assembled. Gardener-style parenting – awareness-based parenting is like a gardener cultivating saplings. First of all, there is a reasonable expectation that the apple tree will bear apples instead of bananas in the future. It does not over-protect and does not let it go. Moderate exposure to wind, rain and sun will make it slow. Slowly grow and bear fruit. I believe that most parents are like me and hope to be a \”gardener\”, but the reality of social involution forces us to be \”carpenters\”. So the above metaphor looks beautiful, but is it just a good-looking but useless \”chicken soup\”? In fact, this is not the case. In fact, this book is a review of the latest research results in developmental psychology in the past ten years. The author guides us how to view these experimental results from the perspective of parents. There is still some distance between theory and practice. I will try to use five articles to explain: as an ordinary parent, how to use these results of developmental psychology to solve your own parenting problems. 01 Is love a responsibility? Please love kids If you ask parents: Do you love your children? Almost no one would say they don’t love it. Is it love because of blood relationship? Love is a very subtle emotion that is expressed by a variety of neurotransmitters (chemical elements) on a biological basis. The selfish attribute of genes is our biological instinct to \”love\” our children because they are the continuation of our lives. The social responsibility of parents is an external motivation for us to \”love\” our children because we need to show our sense of responsibility to those around us. But pure love does not come from genetic attributes and social responsibilities, but from companionship. The more time we spend with our children, the more physical contact we have with each other. Our bodies release large amounts of oxytocin when interacting with our children. This neurotransmitter not only interacts with the dopamine reward system, but also reduces levels of stress hormones such as adrenaline, making us feel physically relaxed and happy. This is the essential reason why we \”love\” our children. Many mothers complain that fathers don’t care about their children at all. Objective analysis of the reasons: first look at the physiological basis. The male reproductive strategy is to sow more and reap less (one ejaculation produces 60 million to 200 million sperm, and only 1 to 2 of the strongest and luckiest sperm can combine with the egg). ). Regardless of social and moral constraints, a man can impregnate multiple women in a short period of time. Looking at social responsibilities, men generally believe that providing economic value is enough, and the responsibility for raising children falls more on women. So as long as he is making money outside, a father seems to have sufficient reasons to leave his children alone. What about strategies as a mom? In order for a father to have \”love\” for his child, he must fully mobilize the child\’s attraction to the father, so that the father can secrete more oxytocin during the interaction with the child, so that the father can truly feel \”love\”. Just imagine: If a mother herself feels that taking care of her children is a \”hard job\”\”, repeatedly complained to the father, asking him to take more responsibilities. How can the father be willing to accompany the child? With less companionship, the secretion of oxytocin is less, and the father feels that this is just a responsibility. People seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. , will unconsciously mobilize various resources and abilities to avoid this \”drudgery\”. Therefore, dads always have various \”excuses\” to be away from home or to ignore the children. How to mobilize dad\’s parenting not push but attract Having said that, the How to mobilize fathers to interact with their children? Everyone needs to be recognized with a sense of value. If mothers can make fathers feel their unique values, it is possible to mobilize fathers to embody these values. Compared with mothers, fathers generally have Advantages in two aspects: physical fitness and logic. Physical games can give full play to the father\’s physical advantages when the child is relatively young. Ask the father to play more slapstick games with the child, which not only promotes the development of the child\’s sensory integration, but also exercises The father\’s physical fitness, and more importantly, the father can enjoy the feeling of \”love\” during the interaction. Here is a book called \”The Art of Parent-Child Rough Games\”. For fathers of children aged 1 to 8 years old, it is recommended that all the mini-games in it be included. Play through it once, and after clearing the level, I believe that the relationship between the child and the father will be so good that it will make the mother jealous. If the child is older in the logic game, he can give full play to the father\’s logical advantages. Based on my own practice, there are two specific suggestions. Chapter 1 A piece of advice: I recommend a book called \”Magical Logical Thinking Game Book\”. This is a logical thinking game book suitable for children aged 5 to 13. My son has been playing with me since the kindergarten class, one thinking game every day. He plays it often. Playing one after another, you can\’t stop at all. The second piece of advice: comes from the shape game recommended by Anthony Brown, the picture book master I particularly like. Game rules: The child or dad first draws an abstract shape, and the other one is best to use a different shape. Colored pens complement the shape into something. This game also fully embodies the philosophy of Japanese children\’s art educator Akemi Torii – \”Children\’s paintings are not for looking at, but for listening to.\” Anthony Brown said that this was a little game he played to kill boredom when he was a child. Unexpectedly, it would become the core of everything he did in the future. Anthony Brown won the Kate Greenaway Award twice and the Kurt McKiller Award three times, the first in the UK. Illustrator who won the International Hans Christian Andersen Award. Classic works: \”My Dad\”, \”My Mom\”, \”Gorilla\”, \”Zoo\”, \”Sounds in the Park\”, etc. We often say that we need to cultivate children\’s creativity, but children are born with creativity All we need to do is try our best to take care of them. At this point, more rational fathers need to pay special attention.