The more children are not allowed to do things, the more they do it? Let’s talk about the power game in the parent-child relationship

Some time ago, a friend and I talked about something: Her 3-year-old daughter, who was already using the toilet, peed her pants one day while watching cartoons at home. While cleaning the floor, my friend muttered something to her daughter to remember next time. Remember to go to the toilet. That night before going to bed, my daughter peed her pants again. My friend went a little crazy now and talked some sense into her daughter, telling her to remember to go to the bathroom next time. Unexpectedly, the same thing happened again the next day, and her daughter didn\’t seem to care at all, and she was even a little proud. I laughed after hearing my friend\’s description. I said, maybe it\’s because your baby likes the way you \”can\’t stand her and can\’t do anything about her.\” 1. In terms of physical strength, intelligence, and social status of the little residents in the adult country, children are a vulnerable group in the family. They have to rely on adults to provide them with clothing, food, shelter, and toys. A child is like a small resident living in the country of adults. Children basically have no control over what they do and where they go every day. For children in the explosive stage of independent consciousness (starting around 2 years old), this may be a very unpleasant thing in their subconscious mind. Most children long for a sense of \”control\” in their hearts, hoping to control something. If you can\’t control the environment around you, it\’s fun to control adults\’ emotions. I learned this principle from a teaching book \”1-2-3 Magic\” recommended by Su Bao Pediatrician. Therefore, children usually pay attention to what things can easily make their parents angry, and then deliberately do it to make a giant who is ten times their own weight crazy, but the giant has nothing to do about it, which is very satisfying to think about. 2. The secret to getting children to cooperate: Don’t play power games. There are several aspects of children’s daily lives that adults basically cannot control: eating, defecation, and sleeping. When we are anxious and helpless with them, we can give our children a sense of manipulative satisfaction. The more adults care about things, the easier it is to become a bargaining chip for children to gain \”power\”. Just like the elderly in some families are particularly worried about their children not eating, smart children quickly learn to use eating as a bargaining chip and ask to watch TV and play with toys while eating. My good friend mentioned earlier, after fighting for several rounds with his daughter who peed her pants, she found that she had lost completely. She simply decided not to fight with her daughter, and asked her to start wearing training diapers again, so that cleaning up would be less troublesome if she wet herself. More importantly, she sent a message to her daughter: Mom doesn’t play this game. After her daughter wet her pants a few times, her mother looked indifferent and said, \”Oh, you must be uncomfortable. I don\’t have time right now and I will change it for you later.\” She went from being anxious to letting her children bear the natural consequences of their actions, which worked wonders. The daughter discovered that her mother refused to be her \”hostage\” in this matter, and the \”power game\” she designed was disintegrated. If the game isn\’t fun anymore, there\’s no need to pee your pants anymore, and that\’s the end of it. Before I figured this out, I would sometimes fight with my baby. For example, I had to ask Su Bao to put away her toys, but she refused to put them away and even threw the toys away. Understand the psychological motivation behind thisFinally, I learned that the more I cared about and forbidden things, the more Su Bao would want to do them. So I slowly learned to go from being crazy to being calm, (holding back my inner collapse) and pretending not to care at all, saying: Then just leave your room in a mess. Later, Su Bao wanted to play with her plasticine. The room was too messy and she couldn\’t find it. So she came to me for help. I pretended to be confused and said: I don\’t know where it is. Didn\’t you put it away after you played with it last time? The expression on Su Bao\’s face at that moment was: My mother is really a real mother, my room is as messy as a doghouse, she doesn\’t care at all! That\’s enough, I\’ll just clean it up myself next time (I\’m laughing inwardly…). 3. Remember to give children a certain amount of power. As mentioned above, because children are weak in size and physical strength and live in a world full of adults, they often feel a deep sense of powerlessness. This is why children often cry, The hidden reasons behind losing your temper and unwillingness to cooperate. The Montessori kindergarten where Su Bao attends encourages children to do their own things. In parent growth classes organized by the school, teachers often mention a concept called empowered children. In daily life, we can find opportunities for children to gain an appropriate sense of \”power\”. For example, we can give them opportunities to participate in simple household chores, such as sweeping the floor, washing vegetables, pouring water, and watering flowers, so that they can make decisions, such as going out today. Whether they want to go to the park or go to the supermarket; whether they want to wear a white sweater or a gray pullover today, when children feel that they have a certain say in family life and gain a sense of power, they \”will not do it but will do it\” behavior will be reduced accordingly. Although raising children requires a lot of conscious learning and accumulation, sometimes it can be easier if you don\’t take it seriously and don\’t fight to the death.