The nagging mother turns out to be just protecting herself?

Many parents love to nag their children. Even though they themselves don\’t like nagging all day long, they can\’t stop. Perhaps, by finding the real reason for nagging your child, the problem can be solved. Nagging is a peculiar psychological defense. Compared with adults, children have more insightful views on many issues. When my son was 12 years old, I once discussed with him the problem of parents nagging their children. I asked him: \”Do you think your parents are nagging?\” He looked at me with interest: \”If you are considered nagging, then there are no parents in the world who are not nagging.\” I thanked him first. He did not hesitate to praise and continued to ask: \”Then why do you think some parents nag their children?\” He replied: \”The nagging is because I can\’t do anything to you, so I need to attack you to cover up my failure. Method. I keep saying this and that, and you are overwhelmed, so you have no chance to fight back, and I am protected.\” His explanation was very thorough and touched on the essence of nagging – psychological defense. Psychoanalyst Freud first proposed psychological defense in 1894. Later, his daughter conducted a study on \”self and defense mechanisms\” and proposed a list of people\’s psychological defense methods. Since psychological defense was proposed, it has been a research focus of psychoanalysts. In 2003, Jerome Blackman, a senior American psychiatrist, published \”The Mask of the Soul: 101 Psychological Defenses\”, which listed in detail 101 ways for people to protect themselves and remove unhappiness when they encounter it. And he thinks that\’s not all. Sala English Paradise full set download [20VCD full 103 episodes 11.59 GB] Mask of the Soul: 101 Psychological Defenses Compare the manifestations of nagging with the psychological defense methods listed by Blackman one by one. You will find that nagging seems simple. However, it is highly integrated with a variety of psychological defense mechanisms and is a very interesting form of self-protection. For example: Projection: Attributing one\’s own things to others. Projective Blaming: Unfairly blaming others for your own problems. Hostile aggression: Entering into a state of struggle to hide unpleasant feelings. Displacement: Feeling something about a person but transferring it to another person or situation. Overthinking: Overanalyzing\” and \”racking one\’s brains\” in an attempt to solve a problem. One emotion versus another: Focusing on one emotion to avoid another. Gabbling: Talking too much , but not detailed or to the point. Turn passive to active: avoid victimization yourself. Dramatic: inject emotion into your speech. Impulsive: use some kind of impulsive behavior to relieve tension or unpleasant emotions. Clingy: hold tight Catch someone who rejects you. Complain: Complain incessantly. Exaggerate: Take things too far. Intimidate: Put others on guard to relieve your own anxiety. Superficial: Speak without hesitation. But I don’t want to express much. Fatigue: Feeling tired, but not physically ill. Turn self-criticism to the object: You judge others instead of reprimanding yourself. Parents who like to nag their children feel that they have countless reasons to nag. Produce children, express dissatisfaction, educate children, but think about it calmly, if we knew that every time we nag, we are just revealing how we go to great lengths to protect ourselves and avoid the unpleasant feelings caused by our children, would we really have the nerve to continue nagging? Parents\’ nagging will also stimulate children\’s defensive psychological defense theory, and we may also see more clearly \”why nagging doesn\’t work.\” It’s very simple. Everyone has psychological defense mechanisms. Adults have adult defense methods, and children also have children’s defense methods. When our nagging encounters the following behaviors of children, it completely loses its expected effect: Denial: The child is determined Reject your accusations, \”You\’re not right!\” \”I\’m not like that!\” Isolation: Your child isn\’t listening at all. Passivity: Your child refuses to cooperate with you and acts more confident than you. Prevarication: The child lied to you. Counter-terrorist behavior: What you don’t want your child to do is what he or she will do. Inhibition of self-function: The child cannot do anything well. Silence: The child does not talk to you. Talk back: Your child talks more than you do. Passive Obedience: Your child appears to obey you reluctantly. Impulsivity: The child becomes irritable and irritable. …None of these reactions are the reactions that parents really want their children to have. They are all children\’s instinctive psychological defenses. Nagging also makes children extremely bored with what adults say. When parents want to say something to their children seriously without nagging, children no longer want to hear anything you say due to defensive inertia. How to be a non-nagging, popular parent with your children? What can you do to stop nagging and make your children willing to listen to you and talk to you? I’m afraid we have to start by changing ourselves. 1. Accept that \”nagging doesn\’t work.\” Many parents nag their children just out of instinct and habit, without considering whether repeating those cliches to their children over and over again has any positive effect on their children. Therefore, if you want to change, you must first realize that nagging is just a mouthful, but it has only bad effects and no good effects. With this understanding, you can ask yourself to think about it before speaking to your children: \”Does it make sense when I say this? Is it useful?\” 2. Commit to construction rather than self-protection. We tell our children What, the purpose is to be \”good\” for the children, this good needs to be constructive \”good\” – can really help the children, rather than what we think is \”good\” – no matter what I say or how I say it, it is For your own good. Therefore, before speaking, we need to pause for a second or two to make sure that what we say and the way we say it have eliminated the factors of \”psychological defense\”. For example, we are not nagging because we encountered something unhappy outside. It’s not because you are angry with the child’s father or mother that you want to criticize the child; it’s not that you want to vent your emotions on the child; it’s not that the more the child refuses, the less you want to let him go; it’s not that you are too anxious yourself. We hate our children for not being anxious, angry, diligent, and unprofitable; instead of converting our \”nothing to do\” about our children into complaints and anger towards our children… Thinking about it this way, it is easier for us to distinguish whether we want to \” \”Nagging\” child, still wants to be serious,Say something to him calmly. 3. Demonstrate more and preach less. My experience is that if you want your children to do something, do it yourself first. Doing it once is more effective than saying it 10,000 times. For example, if you want your children to concentrate on doing things, parents should first concentrate on whatever they do at home, instead of nagging their children while washing the dishes. For example, if adults don\’t hold their phones all the time when browsing their phones, children will naturally know when to put down their phones. For example, when it comes to playing games, adults don\’t play them endlessly, and children don\’t really get addicted to games as many parents worry. However, many parents at home \”only allow state officials to set fires, and common people are not allowed to light lamps.\” Whatever adults do is right, and children are not allowed to take care of it. If the same thing is done to a child, it will be enough for you to nag him for a long time. Such preaching-style family education will not work no matter how much you do. 4. Change nagging to chatting. We ourselves are the kind of parents who talk to our children a lot, but what we talk to our children every day is chatting, with almost no nagging. My experience is that if you cultivate an atmosphere of chatting with your children at home, when you really want to say something to your children seriously, you can just say it naturally while chatting, and your children can listen to it, so there is no need to chase them around. Nagging \”You have to do this, you can\’t do that…\” In short, parents like to nag their children, not because the children don\’t make people worry, but because parents are used to the psychological defense mechanism of \”nagging\” and don\’t nag. My child, I feel uncomfortable. Some parents may think that if they nag their children too much, the children will always be able to listen to every sentence and they will be able to take care of it to some extent. But children also have psychological defense mechanisms. They always have to listen to their parents\’ nagging, and they will naturally become \”immune\” gradually. By then, the children may not want to hear anything you say. So, figure out why you can’t stop nagging, and then, stop.