The psychological impact of parents’ quarrels on children

Before I begin this article, I would like to ask you a question: Have you ever had the experience of being forced to be in the middle when your parents were quarreling? Recently, I saw a post on Zhihu, where the poster shared a problem that has troubled him for many years. My parents have been fighting for almost 40 years, and I have been stuck in the middle for more than 30 years. I have been hoping for their divorce for more than 20 years. For a moment, I seemed to be suddenly pulled back to my childhood, where I saw myself acting as the \”sandwich man\” for my parents. He communicated with the quarreling parents, calmed down their emotions respectively, and even became a punching bag for no apparent reason. Be on tenterhooks all day long. Even when I grow up and go out to study and work, this feeling will haunt me every day. Until one day, when I was forced to be \”sensible\”, I was finally overwhelmed by my powerlessness and uneasiness, and I covered my face and cried in front of the psychological counselor. After communication, the psychologist told me: You have become the \”third party\” in the relationship between your parents without even realizing it. After parents quarrel, they constantly throw the problem to their children; children are \”offside\” and help their parents solve problems. This is what the famous family therapist Murray Bowen pointed out: the family \”triangular relationship\”. Children are forced into conflicts between their parents and unconsciously play three roles: \”microphone\”, \”referee\” and \”scapegoat\”. Each role will bring endless harm to the child\’s present and future. Children act as \”microphones\” A couple had a dispute and had a cold war for more than half a month. Whenever they want to communicate, they let their 8-year-old Xiao Min serve as the \”microphone.\” The wife prepared the meal, but instead of calling her husband to eat, she called to the child: \”Xiao Min, call your dad to eat!\” The husband couldn\’t find his clothes, so instead of asking his wife who took care of the housework, he asked his daughter for help: \”Xiao Min, call your dad to eat!\” Min, help me ask your mother, did you see my coat?\” Instead of facing the problem head-on or resolving the conflict, the couple let their children pass the message back and forth. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! At first, the children found this \”messaging\” mode interesting. But as time went by, she became disgusted and repelled. \”I\’m just a tool to spread the word, not their daughter.\” But he had to accept the anger back and forth: \”Don\’t ask me for money, talk to your dad!\” \”This is your mother\’s business, ask her for it.\” In fact, , such things are not uncommon. Some children have even encountered more extreme situations. There is a colleague next to me who is very dedicated to his work and seems to be emotionally stable. But during a back and forth with a partner, I burst into tears. After asking carefully, she found out that during the communication process, she always felt that her partner was making things difficult for her, and the company did not provide enough support. This reminded her of the helplessness and pain she felt when she was a child, caught between her parents. My parents divorced when I was a child. My father defaulted on alimony payments, and my mother would ask me to come to her home to ask for money. One time my father said something very unpleasant and only gave me a little money. From that day on, I made up my mind that I would never ask him for a penny again. Her father was indifferent and her mother was accusing, and she felt deeply aggrieved in the middle. Children who have been acting as mouthpieces since childhood often lack sufficient support and help, and can easily develop sensitive and please-pleaser personalities. They may even think that parents can only communicate on their own, and have learned to read their words too early.Observe the color and please both sides. Some people would say that quarrels are inevitable between husband and wife, so they can’t just tolerate it, right? That\’s true, but don\’t involve your kids. Compared with children, adults have more mature ability to solve problems. Rather than letting your children act as \”passengers,\” it\’s better to face the problem head on. This is also a parent’s duty. Have you ever experienced a child becoming a \”referee\”? Every time your parents quarrel, they always pull you aside and ask, \”Which one of us is right?\” You must let your children choose an absolute winner from their parents. In psychology, this situation is called \”cross-generational association.\” The children involved had to act as referees and make a \”judgment\” carefully. There is such a story in the documentary \”Dear Enemy\”. After Ms. Liu divorced her husband, she was unable to see her two daughters for 10 months. During this period, the father continued to instill in his daughter a negative opinion of her mother. Young children are originally attached to their mothers, but they are full of resentment towards their mothers. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: \”Children are the emotional receivers of their parents.\” Children who act as referees often receive only negative emotions. Either you criticize your father or you hate your mother. What\’s more, in order to please both sides, they will try their best to attract their parents\’ attention. For example, skipping school when sick is just to let parents temporarily put aside their conflicts and care about themselves. If it doesn’t work, you will start to doubt and deny yourself. On the other hand, for couples who do well, their children can still grow up healthily even if the relationship between husband and wife is gone. I have read this sentence and I totally agree with it: If you can’t be a good couple, at least be a good parent. Marriage is our secret, for the sake of our children, we once loved each other and never hurt. Children are not anyone\’s ally, nor are they a bargaining chip in winning or losing. Even if the hand held by the parents is broken, the hands with the children must be held tightly. Because when parents quarrel, no matter whether they win or lose, the one who ultimately \”loses\” must be the child. Children become \”scapegoats\”. During the hit TV series \”Little Joy\”, the relationship between Song Qian and her daughter Qiao Yingzi was thought-provoking. After Qiao Weidong divorced Song Qian, Song Qian put all her energy on her daughter Yingzi. From her meticulous care as a child, to her dictatorship in choosing schools when she grows up. In the end, Yingzi was overwhelmed and under heavy pressure, she chose to protest in an extreme way by jumping into a river: \”I just want to escape from you!\” But Song Qian still didn\’t understand. She thought that she had paid a lot for her daughter, but her daughter still did this. Do. Many people can feel the suffocating feeling across the screen. In fact, Song Qian\’s excessive attention and control over her daughter is subconsciously transferring the tension of her failed marriage. Many times, in order to avoid conflicts, couples put too much energy into their children. This is the situation where the child acts as the \”scapegoat\” in the triangle relationship. Another form of \”scapegoating\” is for parents to vent their conflicts and emotions on their children. There is a popular question on Zhihu: \”Why do children become strangely depressed?\” There is a highly praised answer at the bottom, which makes many people worried. My parents\’ relationship was not good since I was a child, so after the divorce, I followed my mother. Whenever I don\’t go as she wants, my mother will accuse me: If it weren\’t for you, I could live a better life. You should work hard for me.force. My mother loved me \”desperately\” but I wanted to destroy myself. Children who become \”scapegoats\” often have to give up themselves in order to satisfy their parents\’ compensatory psychology. Taking on your parents\’ stress and emotions will suppress your own true emotions. When emotions are overloaded, \”somatic reactions\” may even occur. Emotions that cannot be resolved normally may turn into physical reactions such as headache, fatigue, and insomnia. When parents\’ emotions and expectations become entangled with their children\’s, over time, they will attribute all their parents\’ faults to themselves. Life is tiring and aggrieved. Learn to \”shove the blame\” on the original family. People always use this sentence to summarize the various traumas caused by the original family-unfortunate people always spend their lives healing their childhood. However, such arguments often cause us to ignore the possibility of changing ourselves. Psychologist Adler believes: \”People can not be dominated by the past.\” To put it simply, we don\’t have to pay too much attention to what we have been given, but how to use what we have been given. Maybe you used to be your parent’s “sandwich biscuit” and it still bothers you today. Here is a small method, I hope it can help you: learn to \”pass the blame\” to the family of origin. In other words, clarify boundaries and simplify relationships. In families with triangulated relationships, this phenomenon often occurs: parents are absent and children are offside. When parents make mistakes, children pay the price. If you want to break the situation, you have to first clarify the boundaries with your parents. So, how to do it? In the book \”The Courage to Be Disliked\”, a little trick is mentioned that can help us quickly distinguish the boundaries: whoever bears the consequences of the matter is his business. For example, when your parents quarrel, they all come to you to complain. But you have to understand that this is a dispute between parents and has nothing to do with you. You can comfort them appropriately, but once you feel uncomfortable, you must tell them clearly: \”No matter dad or mom, I love you very much, and I don\’t want to be involved. This will not be good for your relationship.\” Express understanding and make it clear. requirements and explain the consequences. Draw boundaries gently and forcefully. As for the rest, how to deal with it and how to advance it should be left to the parents. Let father be father and mother be mother. And you have to learn to be a child again. In addition, clear boundaries does not mean not caring about each other. On the contrary, it will allow us to better understand the core of the problem instead of being wrapped up in emotions. This way, you can also gain more security. Bi Shumin once said: \”When a child grows up, he first confirms his own existence from the pupils of his parents.\” And I want to say: As adults, after years of continuous polishing and experience, we have a stronger heart. The spirit is independent, the material is freer, and there should be more references when looking at things. We can also reaffirm our existence through self-awareness and help from others. You are not the reason your parents\’ marriage failed, and you do not have to take responsibility for their marriage. You are an independent existence, as diverse as all things. Your existence itself is worthy of pride.