The relationship between a child and his mother affects his future love and marriage choices

Have you noticed this phenomenon: some children are very confident and can make friends and fall in love with ease, while some children have low self-esteem and are sensitive and timid in the emotional world. All this is closely related to the mother\’s parenting style. Children rely on their mothers. From the moment they are born, mothers become the most important person in their lives. Mother is the child\’s first window to see the world and the background of her life. The world in a child\’s eyes is opened by the mother; the self in the child\’s heart is illuminated by the mother. Psychologist Erikson pointed out that children will establish their first secure attachment relationship with a fixed caregiver before the age of 3. It is usually the mother who takes care of the child, so how the mother gets along with the child will cause the child to form different attachment styles. This attachment relationship will affect the child\’s lifelong personality development and emotional patterns. 01 A good attachment relationship makes children more confident. When I rewatched the American TV series \”The Big Bang Theory\”, I was very touched by the characters of Sheldon and Leonard. Sheldon is a physics genius with an IQ of 187. He has severe mysophobia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. He doesn\’t like change and cannot understand other people\’s sense of humor. His childhood friends and colleagues found him critical and difficult to deal with. But he lives very comfortably, never suffers from mental breakdown, and has a few true friends around him, such as Leonard and Howard. He never forces feelings and enjoys living alone. Later, I met Amy, and the two got along very well and formed a happy marriage. In stark contrast to Sheldon is Leonard. He has a meek personality, is not confident enough, and always pleases the people around him. His relationship with his girlfriend Penny went through many separations and reunions before it became a positive relationship. What causes a huge contrast between Sheldon and Leonard is that they have completely different ways of getting along with their mothers. Sheldon\’s mother was not highly educated and did not understand her son\’s research at all, but she respected her son and praised him, \”You are my pride.\” She would staunchly defend her son when others called him a \”freak.\” She will also guide her son to live in harmony with his friends. When Sheldon and Penny quarreled, his mother reminded him that it was wrong to do so, and Sheldon immediately apologized to Penny. On the other hand, Leonard\’s mother is a doctor and has high achievements, but she is very indifferent to her son. He never gives his son a hug, crazily attacks his son\’s self-esteem, ignores all his emotions, and even uses experimental methods to raise his son. So much so that Leonard made a doll himself just to experience the feeling of being hugged. In general, children\’s attachment can be divided into four types: 1👉Secure attachment behavior: When the mother (caregiver) is present, the child will be more relaxed, can explore freely, and will respond relatively positively to strangers ; When the mother leaves, the child will have obvious anxiety; when the mother returns, the child will seek comfort and quickly return to a calm and comfortable state. Parenting characteristics: Parents respond positively to their children\’s needs, interact frequently, and provide timely emotional support. They often encourage their children and are easy to form a healthy and secure attachment relationship. 2👉Anxious/resistant attachment behavior: This type of children has an ambivalent attitude towards their mother (caregiver). They cannot be free when their mother is present.When the mother leaves, they feel anxious and sad; when the mother returns, they want contact but resist; they want to be comforted by the mother, but also show anger and anger. Parenting characteristics: Parents have inconsistent attitudes towards their children, sometimes enthusiastic and sometimes cold. Children tend to feel desperate about their parents\’ attitudes, either clinging to them, crying, or angry and resentful, forming a contradictory psychological state, which is not conducive to the child\’s development. growing up. 3👉 Avoidant attachment behavior: The child behaves indifferently to whether the mother (caregiver) is present. He is not attached when the mother is present, is not sad when the mother leaves, and does not respond positively when the mother returns, showing a cold attitude. Parenting characteristics: Parents are insensitive to their children\’s needs, rarely meet their babies\’ needs, and rarely interact with their children. Or, you treat your child with excessive enthusiasm and over-stimulation, often chatter to your child, and forcefully create certain needs for your child, which makes your child unbearable. 4👉Disorganized/disorganized attachment behavior: This type of child\’s needs for the mother are relatively confusing and inconsistent. For example, when the mother returns to hug him, he may be confused, avoid her mother\’s gaze, or run away suddenly, or may be very nervous at first. Calm down, but after a while he suddenly has an emotional outburst and behaves strangely. Their chaotic behavior means they are probably the most insecurely attached children. Parenting characteristics: Often neglected by parents, or physically abused by parents, or the mother suffers from severe depression, which creates a very uneasy emotional atmosphere for the child for a long time. 02 The gap in the attachment relationship will subtly affect the child\’s future life security. It originated in childhood, and our attachment relationship was formed in the interaction with our parents. This attachment relationship determines our sense of security and affects a person\’s success or failure in career and studies, as well as his life and psychological state. Many people think that babies are very small and cannot remember things. It’s true that as children we may not remember exactly what happened, but those feelings and emotions are deeply stored in the hippocampus structure of our brains. For example, the joy, joy, fear, fear, disappointment and other emotions experienced in childhood will continue to affect us if not dealt with. For example, there are some celebrities who are still in pain even after their careers reach the peak, and some even choose to commit suicide. From a psychological point of view, people\’s inner strength is more related to the parent-child relationship and love. A complete and harmonious native family, a good parent-child relationship, and unconditional acceptance and love from parents can make children feel safe. When we are babies, we are very weak and need the meticulous care of our parents both physically and psychologically. Ideally, parents should take care of us in this way, but in reality, due to various subjective or objective factors, this is often not the case. Parents are hot and cold towards them, good and bad, sometimes caring and sometimes not caring. Children cannot be sure that they are safe and loved, and are afraid that any good thing will disappear at any time. They desperately seek comfort and care from their parents, so they cry and cry in order to gain attention. Such children will form an \”anxious\” attachment relationship with their parents. This insecurity can also lead tointo adult love and marriage. When they are with their lovers, they are easily jealous, uneasy, anxious, and angry. They are always worried about being abandoned and want to stick to each other 24 hours a day. Once they have conflicts with their lovers, they often seek the other\’s attention and love by crying, threatening, etc. From a psychological perspective, these behaviors are actually due to a lack of security and a desire to seek attention and love from the other person. However, the methods used in childhood may not necessarily work as adults, and sometimes they can be counterproductive. 03 Give your children these three aspects of love to help them grow towards the sun. Some mothers may ask, if they are usually very busy and cannot accompany their children all the time, will their children definitely go astray? the answer is negative. As long as the child can feel the mother\’s love, or the child\’s main caregiver can do the following three things, the child will be mentally rich, emotionally stable, and achieve happiness in interpersonal interactions and marriage relationships. First, take good care of your children and respond to their needs. When children are young, they are unable to master many things, so they rely heavily on the care of adults, especially their mothers. Their attachment to their mothers can also be very strong. If a mother can give her children a warm hug the first time they cry; give them food the first time they are hungry; and provide companionship and encouragement when they feel at a loss. In these details of life, children can feel that their needs are responded to in a timely manner, and they will know that they are deeply loved, and they will accumulate a full sense of security in their hearts. They will not replace fear with indifference and sadness with numbness, but will face their surroundings with warmth and hope. In the future, they will also choose suitable partners and develop a happy emotional model. Second, accept it wholeheartedly and calm your child\’s emotions. Psychology professor Edward Tronick conducted a \”still face experiment\”: at the beginning, the mother and her child interacted enthusiastically, and the child\’s face was filled with smiles. Next, the mother kept a straight face the whole time, and the child went from confused and helpless to crying. Eventually, the mother returns to normal interactions and the child\’s mood returns. Experiments point out that children have emotional needs from infancy, and parents’ response patterns will affect their emotional development and formation of security. If you want your children to become positive and happy, parents must remember to pay attention to their children\’s emotions and provide them with emotional support. When parents repeatedly affirm their children, \”You are special, you are great,\” they can make them feel their own worth; when parents repeatedly encourage their children, \”Try again, you can do it,\” it allows them to accumulate the courage to ride the waves; Parents who repeatedly tell their children \”No matter what you become, we will always love you\” can help them gain a sufficient and lasting sense of security and become independent and healthy. Third, provide timely guidance to help children overcome difficulties. When Mo Yan was growing up, his family encountered many difficulties, which once made him lose his sense of security. The most difficult time was when my father was framed and my mother had a relapse of an old illness and had no money for treatment. He was afraid that his mother would be on the verge of death, so he would shout loudly every time he came home, only to feel relieved when his mother answered. His mother understood Mo Yan\’s worries and said to him firmly: \”Don\’t worry, my child, the Lord of Hell will notI won\’t go if you ask me. \”She fulfilled her promise with practical actions, singing while working, and supported Mo Yan in bravely pursuing his dream. Mo Yan said: Although my mother\’s words were not high-pitched, I suddenly gained a sense of security and hope for the future. Many years later, when I recalled my mother\’s words, I was filled with emotion. This was a solemn promise made by a mother to her worried son. I believe that each of us has experienced this: When we encounter challenges, When you feel bitter in your heart, the first thing you think of is \”Mom.\” Even if you are desperate and have thoughts of despair, as long as you think of \”Mother\”\’s love, you can find the courage to persevere again. Yes, children will not grow up. Even if everything is smooth sailing, there will always be difficulties and ups and downs. If parents do not stand by and be sarcastic, but provide companionship and guidance to their children, they will be more confident, energetic and confident to overcome difficulties.