The secret that the older the child gets, the closer he becomes to his mother

A mother complained to me that her daughter, who was clingy when she was young, stopped being close to her at all after she entered adolescence. Except for eating together in the morning and evening, I rarely see my daughter. She always shuts herself in her room at home. My daughter was chatting and laughing with her classmates on her cell phone in the room, but when she came out, she seemed like a different person, silent, cold, and silent. Ask questions and answer questions, and don’t speak if you don’t ask. What made Bao\’s mother most angry was that when she opened her daughter\’s circle of friends, she found that she had been blocked. My mother asked me with a wry smile. My child will understand when he grows up, but when he grows up, he won’t kiss his mother at all. What’s wrong? Attachment psychology believes that if a child establishes a secure attachment relationship with his parents from an early age, this stable interactive relationship can last until the child reaches adulthood. And if a child has had an insecure attachment relationship since he was a child, he is likely to have nothing to say to his parents when he grows up, and may even complain when he mentions his parents. So how can we cultivate secure attachment in children? How to promote parent-child relationship and enhance parent-child affection during summer vacation. Psychologist Ainsworth proposed 4 dimensions when evaluating the interaction model between children and mothers. These 4 dimensions correspond to 4 things. As for the children who still \”close to their mother\” when they grow up, it happens that their mothers have done these four things right. Establishing Emotional Bonds The book \”The Formation of Attachment\” points out that children will establish a stable and strong emotional bond with their mother when they are 6-12 months old. During this period, his love for his mother reached its peak. He will be like a little tail, following his mother with his eyes and body. Wherever his mother goes, he must follow her. He always wants to stay in her arms, kiss her and touch her. But if the mother leaves her child to be taken care of by others when she is half a year old, she leaves home. The child will regard the person who takes care of him as his main attachment object, and his love for his mother will not be so deep. When the child is 2 or 3 years old, even if he returns to his mother, in the child\’s heart, the main caregiver is closer and more important than the mother. It will be more difficult for a mother to get back into her child\’s heart and establish a close and intimate attachment relationship with him. But what if a mother has to return to work six months after giving birth? Don\’t worry, even if the child is raised by someone else, he is naturally closer to his mother. If a mother has to go to work, she should also take time to get along with and interact with her children after get off work. Hug him more, talk to him more, and play with him more. Before the child is 3 years old, the mother should try not to be separated from him for a long time (a few days or months). Because separation can make children anxious, leading to insecure attachment. Only when the mother is always present during the child\’s growth process and the emotional bond is not broken, the child is more likely to establish a close attachment relationship with the mother. But some children have been taken care of by their mothers since childhood. Why don’t they have much closeness to their mothers when they grow up? To judge the attachment relationship, we must not only look at the time the mother spends with her child, but also the way she interacts with her child. If a mother can have the following interactions with her child, the child will most likely be a safe type. Some mothers like to be close to their children. Due to their own personalities, some mothers do not like physical contact. When the child crawled on her, she would push the child away and walk in different directions.He goes his own way and won\’t hold the child or hold him when he needs it. Even if she had to hold the child, she would not engage in it and would not interact with the child in a happy mood. It seems that being close to children will make them feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some mothers are overwhelmed by the burden of life, family, and marital relationships, and are not in the mood to interact intimately with their children. Mothers only want their children to be independent, to play by themselves all the time, and to need less of their mother\’s company. This kind of interactive relationship that is not warm, considerate, and long-lasting can also cause children to develop insecure attachments. The children thus understand early on that keeping a certain distance from their mother and not provoking her is the best way to get along with her. Once this pattern is established, when the child grows up, he will not be close to his mother. On the contrary, if a mother is gentle, considerate, and full of tenderness towards her child, she will respond positively when interacting with her child. The child will learn that being close to mom is pleasurable. Even when he grows up, he is willing to be close to his mother and maintain a good close relationship with her. I have seen some mothers who accept their children\’s emotions. When their children cry, they will interrupt them rudely: \”Why are you crying? Don\’t cry!\” There are other mothers who either treat them coldly and don\’t take it seriously at all. They just let their children cry and don\’t cry. Anyway, it has nothing to do with you. The inability to accept the child\’s emotions may be related to the mother\’s own insecure attachment. Because her childhood experiences and unconscious memories told her: \”Crying is not good, you will be scolded, and you must stop.\” Since their emotions have not been well accepted, many mothers do not know How to accept children. As a result, when the child loses his temper, the mother loses control first. When a child\’s bad emotions are not accepted or allowed to be expressed, he will feel: \”It\’s not good for me to get angry, lose my temper, or cry. Once I have such emotions, I am bad and ugly.\” Time. Over time, these negative emotions will accumulate in the child\’s heart and even turn into anger. One of these angers is directed at his mother. When he grows up and recalls it, he will complain that her mother was rough to him; the other is directed at himself, feeling that he is not good enough and unworthy of love. When he grew up and became a parent, he would not be able to see his child cry, nor would he be able to accept his child\’s emotions. So, to break this transmission of insecurity, we can start changing ourselves. When a child loses his temper and we get emotional, we might as well tell ourselves: \”Calm down, it\’s no big deal. The child can\’t keep crying, he will always stop.\” If the mother can hold back her emotions, then stay with her silently. Child, tell him with silent actions: \”You are safe now and can vent your emotions at will. If you need help, I will always be here.\” After the child calms down, ask the child: \”What\’s wrong with you? You can talk to Mom, tell me?\” When a child discovers that his emotions are accepted and understood, he will become more trusting and close to his mother. Moreover, this experience of being accepted will be internalized into his inner sense of security. Even though he left his mother when he grew up, his heart was full of warmth when he thought of her. Follow in your child\’s footsteps The fourth dimension Ainsworth points out is that mothers can follow in their children\’s footsteps. I tied two ponytails for my daughter, and she picked upFor hairpins, put one on the left side of your head, one on the right, and then put another one in the middle. I subconsciously stopped her: \”How can we put them in the middle? Two are enough.\” Bunniu looked at me in confusion. At that moment, I realized that I had interfered with her, so I immediately let go: \”It\’s okay, you can clip it any way you want.\” For us adults, how can we clip hairpins between two ponytails? But for the child, this is her way of trying, she wants to act on her own ideas. If I interfere with her and make her obedient according to my own aesthetics and ideas, if I interfere with her too many times, she will become what I want, not what she is. This incident has always reminded me that as long as it does not involve personal safety, morality, etc., then respect the child\’s ideas and allow him to have his own thinking and rhythm. In this way, he can grow up to become a person with independent personality and independent thinking. When I wrote about the mother-infant relationship before, some people questioned: \”When a child grows up and still clings to his mother, you are trying to cultivate a mother\’s baby.\” What I want to say is that a mother\’s baby is exactly the child who has developed an insecure attachment relationship. Even when he was several decades old, he was still separated from his mother. His thoughts and actions depend on his mother, and he seems to be close to her. But in fact, he has hidden anger towards his mother\’s control and discipline in his heart, and he wants to \”rebel\” from time to time. Mommy\’s baby will ask her partner to be filial to her mother, but when something happens, he may be the fastest one to escape. Therefore, when a child grows up and still kisses his mother, it does not mean that he cannot live without his mother. But he and his mother respect each other, and he loves and gets close to his mother in a mature manner. Moreover, the image of \”mother\” is a source of security, warmth and confidence in the child\’s heart. If you want to cultivate your child\’s sense of security and attachment so that he can have a close relationship with his mother even when he grows up, mothers should remember to do the above 4 things~