The secret to getting your kids to open up to you

Yesterday, a reader added me on WeChat and asked me a question: Teacher, my child just doesn’t like talking to me, what should I do? I thought her child was a teenager, but she said: 9 years old, girl. I asked her a few questions: 1. Who has taken care of the child from birth to now? 2. Who spends more time with the child at home? 3. Under what specific circumstances is the child unwilling to talk to you? Her answers are as follows: 1. She has always been the one to take care of her, because her father is very busy at work. 2. She spends a lot of time with the child. 3. In the past two years, the child talks less and less. She becomes impatient when you ask her questions, and she ignores you when you tell her jokes. Would rather watch TV. This case is very interesting. A child’s caregiver from childhood to adulthood is his mother. Logically speaking, he and his mother should be very close and should talk about everything. How could he not want to talk to his mother? Because there was not enough information, I suggested she seek consultation. So I learned the real situation. This situation made me understand why this child was so embarrassed to talk in front of his mother. My suggestions are as follows: First: Give your children space to express themselves. This mother originally worked in the human resources department. Every day she was either interviewing people or doing ideological work for employees. Driven by occupational diseases, the mother\’s voice has filled the home since the child was babbling. You have to know that children have just learned to speak and have a strong desire to express themselves, but mothers are so good at speaking. How do you know your talents? 15 training methods for discovering God-level talents pdf So the child is frustrated. The child\’s pronunciation is not accurate, and the mother corrects it. The child\’s sentence lacks logic, and the mother immediately teaches him to start over. The child tells stories and reads the text and makes typos and omissions. Mothers have to ask their children to correct themselves. The child was patient at first, but gradually she realized that she was wrong as soon as she opened her mouth, so she simply stopped talking. I thought to myself: This child is strong enough. In such a high-pressure environment, let alone opening up, it would be great if he does not develop autism. So I said to this mother: The child\’s ability to express has been stifled, and you have to give her space again. Ask your child questions frequently, but don\’t correct or criticize her. For example, you ask her: Look at the weather, what kind of day will it be tomorrow? Regardless of whether the child is talking about sunny, rainy or cloudy days, you have to continue with curiosity: it seems reasonable, but what do you base your judgment on? Whether the child says it was told by a friend’s teacher or read it on the news, you say: So that’s it. It seems that you are pretty good at accepting information from people around you. This is also a kind of learning. Can you tell me a little more, like whether it will rain in the morning or afternoon tomorrow? Doesn’t the child start to think? After thinking, if you don’t correct or interrupt, the child’s expression will slowly gush out like spring water. So we want children to open up to themselves. First, you must give her the opportunity and space to express. You can\’t treat him like a faucet. When she expresses strong desire, you close her. When you feel that he is no longer close to you, you remember to turn it on, and it turns out that it has become rusty. I remember a host was looking back on the reason why he embarked on a career path because he had a lot of opportunities to express himself at home. When there was a treat at home, parents would ask their children: How should we prepare? No matter what the children say, parents will listen carefully. When the phone rang at home, he answered it first. When visiting relatives’ homes during the Spring Festival, parents will ask their children to think of auspicious words for the New Year. So this child has felt since he was a child that language expression is a beautiful thing. This was actually accomplished by her parents. Second: It is very important that parents are not so smart. Children are children after all. They have not seen much and are not well-informed. When they hear news or stories from outside, they want to share and analyze them. If parents are too smart, they will Interrupt and the child will be frustrated. So parents should not be so smart and think that if you don’t correct your child, your child’s values ​​will be ruined. In fact, it is not that serious. You must know that children have their own learning ability, which includes self-observation, reflection and adjustment. If you don\’t bother him to correct him, if he hears other versions in school one day, he will compare it himself, and once he finds that he is wrong, he will quietly adjust it. But if his parents wave a stick and scold him for making a mistake, he will panic. The panic will make his brain go blank, which is not conducive to his learning and improvement. From now on, he would not dare to tell his parents because this panicked memory made him defensive and withdrawn. So no matter what your child says, as long as it doesn\’t violate laws and ethics, you have to listen to it. If it\’s good, you can praise it a few times. If it\’s a little outrageous, you can treat it as if it\’s enlivening the atmosphere. Then of course the child will be more and more willing to express . Third: You have the ability to focus and be patient. Modern people lack concentration because there is too much information around us, and any piece of information can attract our attention. As children are a vulnerable group in the family, parents can easily focus on their own world and ignore their expressions. There is a plot in a TV series like this: Parents are very busy and rarely spend time with their children. The kindergarten teacher reported that the children are timid and unsociable. So I suggest parents be more patient and accompany you. One day when the parents were finally free, they took their children to the park and started setting up a tent. The children cheered and asked many questions: Dad, what is this nail for? Mom, where is my delicious food? As a result, within three minutes, the father answered the phone. The mother seemed to be thinking about work and did not respond to the child at all. The child wasn\’t angry at first, but then the tent was set up, and the child sat inside by himself, asking his parents to come to the tent quickly. When his parents came in, his father said: Let\’s tell a story. The child clapped his hands and said yes. Then my mother just said a word, and my father yawned and said, \”You guys talk first. I\’m sleepy and I\’ll lie down for a while.\” Then it was the child\’s turn to talk, and the mother got the phone to look at it again. I gradually watched the child\’s face change from sunny to cloudy, and he looked at his parents blankly. This is a true portrayal of many families. Whether it is a young child or an adolescent child, if he is unwilling to express to you, it must be that he was either repaired, interrupted, or completely rejected in the process of expressing. Neglected. We often say that children’s concentration is not strong, but in fact we ourselves are not the same? The simplest way to test your concentration is whether you can listen carefully and attentively to the expressions of the people around you. Even if it\’s just five minutes. Or you give yourself a request: next time you listen to your child, you have to take outYou listen to your clients with the same attentiveness and humility. Trust me, your children will open up to you. Because he is really heard by you. When he felt truly heard, he felt motivated to continue speaking out.