The terrifying power of suggestion, the “three words” parents should never say to their children

A few days ago, several old friends got together to chat at the end of the year. A friend told me about a primary school classmate of ours who was recently being collected for debt. As a result, he injured someone and was imprisoned. I remember that many years ago, we went to catch fish in the river together and went to work-study programs together. However, what appears with him in our memory is his mother\’s face that has never smiled. He seems to have an endless amount of temper. To be honest, we were all afraid of his mother back then. He is also afraid and has never received any praise from his mother. His parents divorced when he was very young. He stayed with his mother. But his stressed-out, hot-tempered mother never praised him. Instead, he often complained to others that he was disobedient, lazy and did not do anything for the family. He also said that he was like his father, very stupid and did not expect him to be able to read. In fact, his grades in the class were very good at that time. And my IQ is about the same as my friends, I\’m quite smart. However, due to family changes and his mother\’s denial, he slowly lost his enthusiasm for learning. He told us, \”Anyway, I\’m stupid and I\’m not good at studying, so I won\’t study anymore.\” In the end, he was spotted by the gangsters on the edge of campus, so he joined them. He was dropped out of school after graduating from high school. If only his mother could have encouraged him more instead of denying him. What will his life be like? It\’s a pity that growth cannot be repeated, and there are no what-ifs in life. We all have this experience. When we were young, we would hear adults commenting on us. There are both good and bad reviews. But almost every kid wants good reviews. I remember that I was good at writing compositions at that time, and once won an award, which was announced on the school bulletin board. Our old man who was selling tofu from door to door saw it. Every time he passes by my house, he will tell my grandma: \”Your grandson is really good. His composition is really good. If you train him well, he will be successful in the future.\” Grandma beamed, and I felt happy when I heard it. I must continue to work hard, and I also realize that I have this ability, which gives me more confidence. Every child has a stage like this in his growth process. They will begin to evaluate themselves, which in terms of psychological development is the development of \”self-concept\”. And when does a person begin to form himself? Psychological research has found that it begins in infancy, and the most direct influencers are parents. Parents\’ behavioral and verbal cues play a key role. Positive psychological hints will have a positive impact on children; bad psychological hints will have a negative impact on children! For example, parents often say to their children, \”You are so stupid.\” When a child makes a mistake in homework, he or she will say, \”You are so stupid! You can\’t even do such a simple question.\” When the child gets into a dispute with other children while playing outside, if they are bullied by other children, the parents will say, \” You are so stupid! Why don\’t you fight back every time you are bullied?\” If the child\’s test scores are not satisfactory, he will say, \”You are so stupid! You are not good at reading.\” The child himself feels that his parents are They say that if you are stupid, you will become timid. I am afraid of everything because I am afraid that people will say I am stupid. The scary thing is that in the end, the child will really feel stupid. The reason is that my parents and people around me say that I am stupid. haveA friend who does psychological counseling told a case. One day, a mother came to him with a 10-year-old child and said, \”My child was born prematurely, and it was difficult to deliver. The doctor said that it might have an impact on the child\’s intelligence. I also think he is a bit stupid.\” You\’re stupid, and your academic performance is also very poor.\” The child standing aside had a pretty face and lowered his head to listen to his mother, not daring to see a doctor. Maybe he also felt that he was born with a brain problem. He later talked with the child for a long time and found that the child\’s reaction speed and logical thinking were very good. He couldn\’t be the stupid boy his mother said he was. An intelligence test was conducted and it was found that there was no problem with the child\’s intelligence. His poor grades were due to his mother\’s constant psychological suggestion that he was born prematurely and his brain was damaged. He felt that it was natural that he could not study and was not as good as other students. Under the guidance of a psychiatrist, the child was able to relieve the knot that had troubled him for many years. Later, his grades got better and better, and he was promoted to the best middle school in the area. Many parents like to label their children, and often make mistakes inadvertently. I couldn\’t notice it for a while. By the time you notice it, the child may have been harmed. If parents don\’t discover and change them in time, the labels you put on them will be incorporated into their children\’s self-concept. Affect their correct evaluation of themselves. I found that my almost 4-year-old son was already constantly evaluating himself. He told his grandfather a few days ago, \”I am a very smart person. When I hide and seek, you can\’t find me.\” \”Another time my father and I got separated in the market, but I didn\’t move. , waiting for dad to find me.\” He evaluated himself through these experiences. And I don\’t want him to put too much emphasis on being smart, but rather working hard. Sometimes when I hear him say this, I will say, \”Dad also thinks you are very smart, but he thinks you are not diligent enough and a bit lazy.\” And I find that I especially like to say \”you are a bit lazy\” to my children. This may seem like nothing, but invisibly I am labeling and making mistakes. How can children be diligent? Why label him as not diligent? Many times it is because of our adults’ subjective evaluations, but in fact the truth is not the case. I thought about it carefully and found that as long as I take him with me, I can teach him how to do it. The little guy is very diligent. He can do everything, such as washing vegetables, choosing vegetables, mopping the floor. It\’s just that sometimes the time to concentrate is limited, and of course you can\’t stick to one thing for a long time. But I use the standards required of adults to evaluate children. All parents love their children and want their children to be well, but they always inadvertently impose countless bad psychological hints on our children. To treat the symptoms, we must first treat the root cause. When children become worse or worse, the root cause is their parents. Often it is the parents themselves who need to change. Children will actively seek approval and recognition. Many children have a strong motivation to overcome difficulties by the age of 2, hoping to gain praise from adults. For example, we will see a 2-year-old child successfully assemble a small robot, raise his head with a smile, and say to his parents, \”Come and see! I made this.\” At this time, they areSeek approval from your parents. And this kind of praise will make children form a secure attachment state. Children need parents who can be a safe haven, caring and responsible for them, so that they can face various challenges in life and study without fear and anxiety. Children who develop secure attachments early are better problem solvers, more curious, and more independent by the time they are two years old. They will also be more interested in problem solving when they enter elementary school because they have more self-confidence. Children who have always had a secure attachment state will be more confident and peaceful in social interactions, marriage and family life when they grow up. From a psychological point of view, if you treat your child with a positive attitude and hint to your child, the child is likely to move in a positive direction; on the contrary, if you are biased against your child or always say negative things, your child is likely to move in a positive direction. developing in the opposite direction. Therefore, instead of subjectively applying those labels, it is better to provide real companionship and guidance. Please blame less and encourage more. I believe that in the near future, you will have an excellent child.