The way you deal with your child\’s \”bad moods\” determines his personality when he grows up

\”It\’s just a child, what\’s the trouble?\” There is a short story in \”Children\’s Emotional Psychology\”. In order to take a set of shocking photos, the photographer came to the orphanage with many lollipops. He asked the teacher to prepare hot water and give the children a bath. The children were laughing and playing in the mist. The photographer gave each child a lollipop, and the children were so happy. Just when the children were at their happiest, the photographer viciously snatched away the lollipop and threw it directly into the trash can. The child was stunned for no apparent reason, and then cried. One, two, three… the crying was like a contagion, and all the children started crying. The photographer quickly took out his camera and captured this \”rare\” scene. After the photo came out, the photographer was very satisfied. The children\’s sadness was real and profound. He named the photo \”Sadness in the Orphanage\” and entered it in a photography competition. The result was very satisfactory and he won the first place in the competition. But just when he walked up to the stage to receive the award in high spirits, the host suddenly announced that the first prize of this competition was cancelled. The photographer was so depressed that he locked himself in his room for two days. It wasn\’t until the third day that he received the trophy and a letter from the competition. It was written to him by the director of the orphanage. The letter said: \”The work itself is excellent, but the photographer should also understand the sadness and despair of the children who have their lollipops taken away.\” Human sorrow and joy are interlinked. , but the weight is different in the eyes of different people. We always think that children\’s world should be carefree, and there should be no big things in their world. A lollipop, a warm hot bath, a laugh and a slap in the face are not important things. But in fact, the weight of a lollipop in the child world is the same as the weight of the first prize in the adult world. Everyone has bad emotions and everyone has sad moments, and children are no exception. If we can only accept children\’s joy and joy, but cannot see their anger, sadness, upset, and jealousy, then where should we let them \”hide\” their bad emotions? Adults who are unhappy when they grow up are children without bad emotions. We all hope that children will be well-behaved, sensible and obedient, but every child will have an angelic side and a devilish side. Children are only allowed to laugh and are not allowed to have tempers or sadness. Then, they must \”cut off\” some of their emotions and hide those that are not liked by adults. The accumulated depression over time has become a weapon for children to harm themselves when they grow up. In the Korean drama \”It\’s Okay, I\’m Mentally Ill\”, the male protagonist Moon Gangtae is an excellent caregiver. He has a gentle temperament and always smiles at people, like a clown, with raised corners of his mouth and sad eyes. Wen Gangtai has an autistic brother. Her mother has always preferred the sick brother and told Wen Gangtai to be sensible and take care of his brother. Not when he is unhappy, because it will affect his brother. When he goes out to play alone, he can\’t, because no one will take care of his brother. Since he was a child, all he saw was his mother hugging his brother from behind. Only if you are sensible, well-behaved and take good care of your brother can you get your mother\’s smile. In his family, he could only accept his good mood, so when he grew up, he himselfI also hate my own bad moods, let alone how to regulate and relieve them. If a child can be accepted when they express their emotions for the first time, they will also feel comforted. If they continue to be ignored, they will express their emotions in extreme ways, such as losing their temper, throwing things, and hitting people. When they find that no matter how they look, they will not be seen, they may put away their bad emotions and act like a child who is liked by others. If parents cannot accept their children\’s emotions, then the children themselves cannot accept themselves. There was a previous suicide of a middle school student. The boy was \”called a parent\” by his teacher because he was playing cards in the classroom. The mother was in the corridor, scolding the boy all the time, and even slapped the boy twice. After the mother left, the boy was silent for two minutes, then climbed up the railing and jumped down. If there is one person between the mother and the child who knows how to deal with and resolve their own emotions, and one person who can accept their bad emotions, the results may be completely different. Every grieving heart has experienced traumatic moments. For those small emotions, we may think that the child will \”get better after a while.\” But in fact, that kind of injury is like a slow fire stew. It doesn\’t seem aggressive, but in fact it has already broken the muscles and bones. Different response methods raise children with different personalities. The book \”Child, I Care about Your Emotions\” points out that parents often have four different ways of coping with their children\’s emotions. Each type of parent corresponds to a different inner world of the child. For example, when a father wants to take his child to the dentist, the child is very frightened. Not only does he not cooperate, he also cries and kicks the parent. However, both father and mother have to go to work on time, and it is difficult to find time to see their children\’s teeth on Saturdays and Sundays. If you don’t watch it this week, it may have to be postponed to next week. At this time, if you were a parent, how would you respond? \”It\’s not a big deal\” – Problem-minimizing parents In order to get their children to cooperate with their parents and solve the problem quickly, parents may choose methods of material rewards and verbal comfort. Tell the child that it doesn’t hurt at all and let’s go eat ice cream after seeing the teeth. This type of parent focuses on how to solve their own problems rather than paying attention to their children\’s emotions. We often think that things about children are not that big of a deal, and are not as important as things about adults. But if we really ignore them and treat children\’s problems lightly, it is actually an escape from negative emotions. Parents themselves cannot face their own negative emotions, so they naturally find ways to eliminate these emotions in their children. Children who grow up in this environment not only cannot regulate their emotions, but also doubt themselves. The reason why I\’m not liked is because I\’m terrible. \”It\’s useless for you to cry\” – Repressive Parents Repressive parents not only ignore their children\’s emotions, they even show aversion to their children\’s negative emotions. For example, when a child is crying, a parent angrily reprimands: If you cry again, believe it or not, I will beat you, and if you cry again, I won\’t want you anymore! What parents focus on is not the child\’s emotions, but the child\’s behavior. Laughing is a good behavior and crying is a bad behavior. Research shows that children raised by repressive parents have lower self-esteem and poor ability to regulate emotions. especiallyThe boys will learn to smoke and drink alcohol earlier and become sexually aware earlier. \”Then forget it\”-Laissez-faire parents After becoming parents, many people will become soft-hearted. Especially when you see a child crying, the child will do everything right. The child cried and did not want to see the dentist, \”Baby, stop crying, mom knows you are in pain, let\’s come back next time.\” This type of parent seems to be able to accept their children\’s emotions and do not classify emotions as good or bad. But in fact, such parents will make their children unable to distinguish between right and wrong and unaware of the boundaries of behavior. Thinking only about yourself and not others is not the best way to regulate your emotions. Just as when a flood breaks out, blocking it is not the answer, and releasing the flood water is not the answer either. There must be a good ditch to divert the flood water so that the flood water does not hurt people. \”Let\’s think about what happened\” – Emotional Training Parents Smart parents treat their children\’s emotions like channeling floods, and draw clear boundaries on the basis of understanding and acceptance. We should tell our children, I understand your fear. You can cry for a while, but you cannot lose your temper at the dentist because you are afraid. We should also understand why you come to see your teeth. Start by building an emotional connection with your children and empathizing with them. Then tell them that the bottom line of their behavior is not to hurt others or themselves. Finally, work together to find solutions to the problem and let the children understand why we are doing this. Sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, and boredom are all different emotions in life. Only by allowing children to have a variety of emotions can they have a colorful life. In the education we have received since childhood, words are divided into positive and negative terms, and emotions are naturally divided into good and bad. When you cry, hold back your tears; when you are sad, force a smile; when you are scared, pretend to be strong. Maybe we ourselves are all children who have never been accepted. Our family did not allow us to be sad and negative. However, this does not prevent us from accepting and guiding our children. In the process of acceptance and respect, we may be able to heal our injured selves. My daughter is very timid and will be very scared when meeting strangers, especially tall and powerful men. One time she met a friend of mine and she said, Mom, I\’m a little scared. Can I cry for a while? I stretched out my arms and told her, come on, I will hold you and cry for a while. After crying, you can see if your uncle is still smiling at you. When I finished saying that sentence, my eyes were moist. It turns out that being embraced and accepted by bad emotions is so happy. It turns out that it is so rare for a child to cry freely in the arms of his parents. By clicking \”Looking\”, we must allow the children to laugh and even more, allow them to cry. Just as we should also accept ourselves and hug ourselves.