The world is quietly punishing parents who control their children

I have a friend who is a teacher. Once, the parents suspected that their child had ADHD and invited her to visit the child at home. The child was about five years old. According to the mother\’s description, except when sleeping, he would run around the room, yell and refuse to listen to adults. Originally, this friend was a little confused, but when she arrived at the child\’s home, the mother\’s behavior made her immediately understand the crux of the problem. For just ten minutes, the mother kept calling her child: Baby, run slowly. Baby, come here and drink some water. Don\’t touch that. Oh, baby, be careful, don\’t fall… The child ran and played with himself, turning a deaf ear to his mother\’s greetings. This is how the mother and son get along. Calculate an account for my mother: I say hello 20 times in half an hour, and I have to say hello hundreds of times in a day. Let alone children, adults will also be annoyed. Therefore, the child chooses to automatically filter out his mother\’s greetings. Faced with his mother\’s airtight control, he is actually restless and has no choice but to vent it out through constant tossing. We can see that the child does not have ADHD, but the mother is trying to control the child and make the child resist, so she keeps moving to relieve anxiety. This is by no means an exception. Many parents have the idea of ​​controlling their children\’s lives and completely ignore their children\’s feelings. What\’s more, some parents even \”forced\” their children to death. This is a true story. Xiaojin’s parents are district leaders. They attach great importance to their precious daughter to the point of controlling everything. During the college entrance examination, Xiao Jin wanted to apply to the Conservatory of Music, but her mother ordered that she must enter Dandan. After attending Fudan University, I was forced to video chat with my mother every day to report on my work and study status. Every now and then, parents would come to the school for \”surprise inspections\” to see if they were in love. After graduating from college, she did not dare to disobey her parents and gave up her art and design job. She joined a petrochemical company that she had no interest in and had a stable job. Then, she fell in love with a male teacher, but she had no choice but to get through her parents. Sadly, she accepted the arrangement and married the son of a wealthy businessman. Unexpectedly, her husband was a playboy and often stayed out at night. In 2014, Xiao Jin, desperate, committed suicide by jumping off a building. Throughout Xiao Jin\’s life, she has always lived in the script preset by her parents, which is a tragedy. Control in the name of love strangles her life, and this is the root of the tragedy. Xiaojin’s story reveals the fact that too much control is rampant in the name of love. Many parents have good intentions, but gradually they add additional conditions to their children\’s love: You must listen to me, or I will not give you love. Only I am right, you must be wrong, you must listen to me. For them, their children are part of themselves. They have no free will and should not have any boundaries. Their own feelings are the feelings of their children. When parents interfere with their children\’s hobbies, friendships and even love, they will not know that their love has evolved into power; their love is just silent harm to the child, leaving a mark on the child\’s life like a sword of wind and frost. scars. Little do they know that their children have no reason to listen to them at all. Gibran once said it well in a poem: Your children are not actually your children. They are the children born of life\’s desire for itself. heThey came to this world through you, but not because of you. They are by your side, but they do not belong to you. What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts. What you can shelter is their bodies, but not their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, a tomorrow that you cannot reach in your dreams. Good parents will choose to exit gracefully at the appropriate time, as a lyric goes: \”The last love I give you is to let go of my hand.\” They understand that children have their own lives and their own wishes and do not need to interfere. Love is originally a desire for self-improvement in order to promote the mental maturity of oneself and others. Letting a child be himself is true love. \”Love him as he is\” rather than \”love him as I wish to be\”. Parents have two tasks. The first is to be close to their children and protect their growth; the second task is to separate from their children and promote their independence. Too many unqualified parents work hard and worry about their children\’s lives, but they are unqualified because they only complete the first task and ignore the second. Compared with the former, the latter deserves more attention. Parents who love their children are not only willing to separate from their children, but also continue to love them after separation. My Chinese language teacher in junior high school pays great attention to cultivating her daughter\’s independence. She encourages her to live according to her own wishes. At a young age, my daughter was allowed to try traveling to other provinces alone. When she was in college, she was even allowed to travel thousands of miles away to study in the UK to gain more life experience. Now her daughter is on her own, has a prosperous career in a foreign company, and is highly appreciated by her boss. We all admire her \”free-range\” education for her daughter. It is not easy in China\’s current context. Parents who are willing to separate from their children have great courage. Suddenly I thought of the famous saying of the philosopher Fromm: The true essence of maternal love is to care about the growth of the child, that is, to hope that the child will be separated from itself. Parents who are accustomed to taking care of their children need to learn to separate subjects and separate their children\’s subjects from their own. In other words, the child\’s life belongs to the child. Parents cannot control it, and they do not have to control it. As long as the child does not break the law or violate morals, he should be allowed to follow his nature. \”The Courage to Be Disliked\” mentioned: Basically, all conflicts in interpersonal relationships are caused by interference in other people\’s issues or interference in one\’s own issues by others. As long as you can separate subjects, interpersonal relationships will change dramatically. The way to determine whose project it is is very simple, just consider who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice. Finally, I would like to end with the words of the master of psychology Jung: \”When love dominates everything, power does not exist. When power dominates everything, love disappears. The two are each other\’s shadow.\”