There are many benefits to raising children as \”outsiders\”

In our daily life, many parents are used to scolding their children in public places, thinking that this will help their children remember the lessons and become more sensible. However, this seemingly simple and direct education method actually hides huge hidden dangers. Two days ago, when I accompanied my child to an interest class, I witnessed a young mother yelling at her son. Ignoring the looks of people around her, she scolded her son in a harsh voice for not studying seriously and wasting her money. This scene shocked me deeply and made me think about the way parents educate themselves. First of all, we must understand that children also have self-esteem and face. Being scolded by a parent in public can make a child feel extremely embarrassed and embarrassed. This will not only hurt children\’s self-esteem, but may also cause them to develop an inferiority complex, thus affecting their growth and development. Secondly, parents often fail to achieve the expected educational results when they reprimand their children in public. In this case, children may temporarily compromise because they are afraid of being scolded, but they do not really accept and agree with their parents\’ teachings in their hearts. On the contrary, they may develop alienation and resistance from their parents because they feel humiliated and hurt. 01 Always lose your temper with him, don’t blame the child for not kissing him. A Zhihu netizen once shared his story online. When she was a child, her mother was like a tyrant, scolding her all day long and saying all sorts of unpleasant things. At first, she accepted it all without any resistance. She felt that her mother was doing it for her own good, but she felt very depressed and uncomfortable. After graduating from college, her family found her a job that was close to home and paid well, but she refused to go back and ran to Beijing alone. Life was very hard, and she endured it with all her strength, never telling her parents. Her mother scolded her for having stiff wings and not wanting to get closer to her parents and respect them. As soon as she heard these voices, she turned off the progress bar before it was full. She didn\’t want to listen anymore, and even had the urge to block her mother. In her opinion, the mother who keeps saying \”love\” always dumps emotional garbage on herself, completely ignoring her feelings. Even though she convinced herself countless times that she needed to accept her mother and learn to reconcile with her, she still couldn\’t get over the hurdle in her heart. In order to avoid greater conflicts and stronger complaints, she could only choose to close her heart and hide away. This reminds me of a previous complaint from a mother: \”I worked hard to raise my son, but he turned against me and refused to recognize me. After I went abroad, he blocked me and never contacted me.\” It sounded like a \”white-eyed wolf\” Son\” story. But the son later responded that it was because he couldn\’t stand the oppression and emotional violence against him at home, and he would be beaten and scolded whenever he disagreed. Now that I have grown up and become capable, I naturally want to fly far away. There is no need to continue to accommodate my parents and make myself suffer. This psychology is actually not difficult to understand. Children are naturally sensitive and fragile. They have been exposed to their parents’ negative energy for a long time and have already experienced pain and despair. Out of the instinct of self-rescue, as long as he can grab a piece of driftwood to escape the predicament, he will definitely risk his life. Even if he has to give up the connection with his parents, he will subconsciously run away. 02Children who grow up under pressure will have a more difficult future. Speaking of the current educational status of most Chinese families, psychologist Wu Zhihong once pointedly pointed out:\”Parents only put pressure on their children, but lack respect and care for their children\’s motivation.\” I deeply agree. Some parents believe that their children came into the world through themselves, and they can point out whatever they want. Once a child resists and expresses dissatisfaction, parents will try every means to suppress the child and tell him: \”I am your parent, and you have to listen to me.\” Although there are parents in the world, treating and slandering children too much will only bring them up. Becoming more and more decadent, inferior, and negative. A teacher said: She has a female student who is usually very smart and has good grades, but she never raises her hand to speak in class. In order to encourage girls, she suggested to student mothers that they could give their children some exercise opportunities. Unexpectedly, when she opened her mouth, the girl\’s mother started to complain in front of her daughter: \”She has always looked like this since she was a child. She can\’t even stand in front of the stage. If she does, she will be embarrassed…\” The girl looked at it. Looking at her mother, the stars in her eyes suddenly dimmed… It turned out that this was the real reason why she never raised her hand actively: with a mother who often belittled and attacked her, it was difficult for her to develop self-confidence. There is a term in psychology called “toxic stress.” If a child is exposed to intense, frequent, or chronic stress for a long time, he or she will experience adverse physical and psychological reactions. For example, they often feel rejected, unaccepted, abandoned, lonely, pessimistic, and even morbidly blame themselves, thinking that they are worthless and meaningless, and that living in the world is a burden. Especially children who have been mistreated by their parents since childhood can easily turn this feeling into self-awareness. Parents\’ accusations and mocking words will make him feel that \”I am not good, I am not lovable, and I deserve to be scolded.\” The disgusting and disgusting looks from his parents made him feel even more ashamed, thinking that all problems and mistakes were related to him. In the end, he believed the \”bad reviews\” given by his parents, found it difficult to recognize himself, and completely lost the motivation to believe and accept himself. As Margaret Mead said: \”Children do not grow up in a vacuum, they are formed in the family.\” 03 Foresighted parents raise their children as \”outsiders\” There is a classic poem by Gibran: \”Your The children are not your children, they are the children that life desires for itself. They come through you, but not from you; they are with you, but they do not belong to you.” The meaning of this poem is. , although a child is a piece of flesh that has fallen off his parents, he has his own wishes, feelings, and thoughts. Parents cannot use their own opinions and experiences to instruct their children to do this or that. Only by giving dignity and self-confidence back to the child, treating him as an equal and loving him as you would an outsider, will the child have a better life. There was a little boy in Zhejiang who got second to last in the exam. After his father found out, he asked him how many points he got in the last test. When he got the answer of \”last from the bottom\”, he couldn\’t help but praise: \”Okay, there is progress. Can you get a higher rank next time?\” The little boy happily said He agreed, and three years later, he directly counterattacked and ranked first in the class. If his father hadn\’t accepted him who was not good at studying and respected his feelings, I believe it would be difficult for him to be as shining as he is now. As parents, we should not look down at our children from above. More importantly, we should squat down and look at them levelly to see their children\’s moods and shining points. treat children asBe a guest who lives temporarily at home, accompany him gently and affectionately, chat and interact with him. Only then can children feel at home, enjoy daily life, and gain full energy to thrive. Here, 3 suggestions for parents: 01 Use positive words instead of negative comments to treat outsiders. We all say good things and do not criticize or suppress. Treat your children the same way, say more words of encouragement, support, and affirmation to convey positive energy. If the child does not do well enough, you can say, \”There is progress this time. I believe if you work harder next time, the results will definitely be better.\” If your child is sad and has fallen into a trough, you can say, \”You will definitely be sad when you encounter this kind of thing. I understand very much and I will accompany you.\” If your child is confused and doesn\’t know how to move forward, you can say, \”Slow down, let yourself have a rest, and then we will find a solution.\” No matter who you are or what situation you are in, you all like to hear positive words. Children need it even more. Only by maintaining stable emotions, guiding and accompanying them with positive words, can children regain their confidence, be brave enough to try and make mistakes, and continue to develop. What Zi 02 wants to do, let him try a good family atmosphere, which is freedom and relaxation, without too many \”can\’t\” and \”can\’t\” restrictions. When a child takes the initiative to try something, the best thing to do is to tell him in advance the possible risks or give him an example. Make sure he still wants to give it a try, then let him go decisively and give him a chance to experience it. Just like the host Bai Yansong taught his son. My son likes to read martial arts novels and spends all day reading them without sleep or food. He never interferes but allows them. Under his \”connivance\”, his son gradually became interested in the historical knowledge involved in the novel, and continued to deepen his knowledge. Later, he was admitted to the history department of a prestigious university. Some people say that free children are the happiest. Because he can follow his passion, constantly explore the things he likes, break through his limitations step by step, and finally achieve a better version of himself. 03 Leave enough face for your children in front of others, which represents their self-esteem and emotional needs. With face, children will feel that they have value and status in the hearts of others, and are accepted and recognized. Do not embarrass your child in public at any time or occasion. Only by saving face for him can he learn to love himself with the respect of his parents. Even if he makes a mistake and needs to be disciplined, please do so behind closed doors. Only by affirming children in front of others and giving them enough dignity can children feel their parents\’ love and affirm their own value.