There are no \”bad\” children, only relationships waiting to be healed

A child\’s various behaviors are the projection of his inner world. A child\’s inner world is a reflection of the relationships he is in. The relationship a child is in is mainly the relationship between him and his parents. When we save a child, we mainly focus on smoothing out the relationships behind it. When I was a child, I had a neighbor in my hometown. Every night at 11 or 12 o\’clock, there would be beatings and scoldings in their house. The beatings and scoldings in their home were so intense, often accompanied by insults, beatings, and screams, that I was suddenly awakened from my sound sleep. The trigger for this war after another was that their little daughter wet the bed again. Bedwetting in a child\’s home should not be a big deal. The problem was that his youngest daughter, who was already in her teens at the time, often suffered from nighttime enuresis. What makes me feel embarrassed is that this little girl’s mother often catches people in the village telling people that her little daughter loves to wet the bed; she also labels the child “bitch”, “coward” and “on purpose” and a series of humiliating words that rural women love to use. And this girl\’s father, after other children in the family reported that his daughter wet the bed, often picked up a stick and a stool and started beating her, shouting, \”If I don\’t beat you to death, you won\’t have a long memory.\” The little girl who loved to wet the bed was five or six years younger than me. Later, I left home, went to high school, and then went to college. Once I went back to my hometown and chatted with my mother about the children in my neighbor\’s house. My mother whispered: \”Do you remember little She has been cured for a long time. Didn\’t she drop out of school when she was in her teens? She went to work in the south. After she left, she recovered from her illness and became very capable. She first learned skills from others and then opened her own factory at a young age. She even found a reliable person. Boyfriend, you may have made money. I had not yet studied psychology at that time, but I was ignorantly aware that there was a connection between the girl\’s childhood bedwetting and the fact that after she wet the bed for the first time, her mother went around spreading her secrets and her father beat her severely: Humiliation and violence are deliberate reminders. Later, I studied psychology and understood even more: the child who was labeled a \”bedwetter\” suffered from both mental and physical torture and fell into extreme fear. She didn\’t know how to deal with the fear in her heart, and because of her growing fear, she finally fell into despair and gave up on herself. It was not until later that she escaped from the small village and her parents who had nailed her to the pillar of shame, and came to a strange city. Relying on her own hands and feet, she regained a sense of control over her destiny, and her enuresis problem was cured without treatment. It turns out that a child\’s problems are, to a large extent, problems with the people and environment around her. Next, let me tell you a story that I have personally witnessed – when my son was a child, he met a friend, let’s call him Little D. Little D and my son are about the same age, and our two families live not far away. The two children often play together, and Little D sometimes comes to my house for dinner. I gradually discovered that this little D is not simple: they are all six or seven-year-old children. When my children encounter problems, they express them directly. If they are happy, they are happy, if they are dissatisfied, they are dissatisfied, and if they resist, they resist. But that\’s not the case with Little D. He always observes the adults\’ faces first to see what they want to hear.The answer, he said according to the adult\’s wishes. In the eyes of ordinary people, they will think: \”Oh, this child is incredible. He speaks human words to others and lies to ghosts. He will definitely be a man of both sides in the future.\” But in my opinion, it will be very confusing: Why does this child dare not What about expressing your true inner thoughts? Who is stopping him from telling the truth? What kind of trouble did he get into? Later, I got to know Little D’s father and mother again, and discovered an even more interesting phenomenon: Little D’s father kept saying, “Little D’s mother is so annoying, so lazy, loves to spend money, and is so disgusting.” \”. And Little D\’s mother keeps talking about how \”Little D\’s father is so selfish, so incompetent, so carefree, and so irresponsible.\” When Little D is accompanied by his mother, he always follows his mother\’s wishes and condemns his father. And when his father played with him, he followed his father\’s wishes and slandered his mother. Observing this, I finally understood where little D was divided: The reason why little D is a two-faced person is because he has been living in a war of mutual dislike between his parents for a long time. He needs to survive in that family, and he has to please both sides. When his mother is angry, he wants to see her face, attack his father, and comfort her. And when his father is irritable, he has to obey his father\’s will, slander his mother and please his father. However, in this child\’s heart, both father and mother are the people he loves most. He didn\’t want to really insult anyone, so he differentiated from his body a false self that was extremely inconsistent with his age and learned to read people\’s emotions prematurely. As time went by, he himself couldn’t tell which one was real and which one was fake. He lived his life as a tool and victim of his parents\’ bad relationship. Unless one day, Little D\’s parents realize the problem, are willing to make corresponding efforts and changes, and sincerely apologize to Little D. The parent-child relationship is an extension of the intimate relationship. Children\’s growth is a mirror of their parents\’ spiritual practice. It is said that lucky people are cured by their childhood, while unfortunate people are cured by childhood throughout their lives. This refers to the impact of childhood experiences on character and destiny. The reason why I wrote these two stories is because – yesterday, a reader consulted me on WeChat, saying that she and her husband were working in other places, and their children were left to their grandparents to raise in their hometown. Grandparents always complain that the child stole grandpa\’s money. Before, she and her husband were very angry because of this incident: she stole needles when she was a child, and stole gold when she grew up. A little brat of seven or eight years old wants to make a big difference and beat her! Then, the two returned to their hometown and took turns beating the child severely to make him remember this lesson. As a result, they had just returned to work in the city when they received another call from the old man: \”The child went to play at a relative\’s house and stole another 50 yuan from the relative.\” \”Thief!\” \”Handy hands!\” \”Three hands!\” \”Steal again.\” The family will be engraved!\” The adults of the family stood on the moral high ground, spoke righteous and evil words, and carried the great banner of \”educating the next generation.\” Why did this child take money from adults? After careful inquiry, I found that there was a deep reason: before the age of 6, when this child lived with his parents, he never took money from adults. Later, dadIn order to make a living, his mother left him and went to a distant place, disappearing into the face and misty voice in the video. Grandpa and grandma take money very seriously. If he wants anything more than 2 yuan, he is not allowed. A seven- or eight-year-old child is at the stage of ignorance about money and boundaries. After he took 100 yuan from his grandfather for the first time, he thought, \”What\’s grandpa\’s is mine.\” Who knew that after his grandfather found out, he not only called him a \”thief\”, but also called his parents to complain. His parents were very angry, so they came back from the city and beat him severely. After the beating, the two felt that they usually paid little attention to the child and the child stole things, so they felt very guilty and took the child to the supermarket in the town to buy a lot of delicious and fun things. Throughout the entire incident, this child did not receive guidance on the distinction between \”stealing\” and \”taking\”, nor did he receive the reinforcement of common sense that \”spending money requires adult consent.\”相反，他收到的讯息是：拿了别人的钱，就可以见到爸爸妈妈，哪怕被揍一顿，也能看见他们的真人，牵着他们的手，得到很多爱。 Since then, \”taking other people\’s money\” has become a way for children to attract the attention of adults and call their parents back to accompany them. Whenever he thinks about his parents, he steals money and makes mistakes to gain their love and attention. This is also a \”trick\” that many children who do not have a sense of security and belonging particularly like to adopt: making mistakes is just their method. Getting a sense of security and belonging is their goal. Therefore, if you want your child to stop making mistakes, you don\’t have to label him as \”bad\”, \”stealing\” or \”scumbag\” or use whips and sticks to make him submit. Instead, go back to him, give him attention and response, teach him boundaries and common sense, let him be guided and corrected, stretched during twisting, and cared for during self-injury. Why did I write these 3 stories? Because – since I came to school in September, I have received \”complaints\” from at least 100 parents. The targets of the accusations are mainly their own children. \”Teacher Liu, save my child, he is addicted to games and can\’t help himself.\” \”Teacher Liu, save my child, he is rebellious at the point of explosion.\” \”Teacher Liu, save my child, he skips class and falls in love early. , stealing things.\” \”Teacher Liu, save my child. He is suffering from depression, has a negative mood, and has failed in his studies…\” Poor parents in the world. But forgive me for telling the truth: A child who is addicted to games is disappointed with the real world – in reality, he has no games, no playmates, no fun, so he comes to the virtual world to make up for it; there are no rebellious children, only rebellious ones Parents – The so-called rebellion is a label given to children by parents who feel that their authority has been challenged but are unwilling to talk to their children on an equal footing. As for children with learning difficulties, in addition to intellectual problems, to a large extent in their lives, He has received too much interference and control, so he has found a sense of autonomy in aspects other than learning… A child\’s various performances are a projection of his inner world. A child\’s inner world is a reflection of the relationships he is in. The relationship a child is in is mainly the relationship between him and his parents. There is no magic bullet, no quick fix, no shortcut to save a child. unique andThe correct approach is to slowly smooth out his relationship, his relationship with his parents, and his relationship with his family. The family is the factory that shapes children\’s emotional, cognitive and behavioral patterns. Children are the product of the family, the embodiment of relationships, the gift of energy, and the feedback of upbringing. The family is sick, the relationship is broken, the energy is dead, and the upbringing is lost, but it is so unfair to blame a child \”What\’s wrong with you?\” Not all children\’s problems come from their parents. But all the children’s questions are questions that parents must answer in their spiritual practice. Responsible and true-loving parents will see every problem of their children, explore the reasons behind it, and then heal their children by repairing relationships; they will take their children to open doors, go through periods of fog, and come to mountains and flowing water or spring flowers. of open space. Anxious and arrogant parents will blame all their children\’s problems on that young life or irrelevant idlers; then they will live in the victim\’s prison for the rest of their lives, complaining that the sun outside is not bright enough and the road is not wide enough. Do you want to save your child? think. Then cultivate your own mind and straighten your relationship with yourself, others, and the world. Every time you look inward, observe, explore and build, you are planting good karma and cultivating blessings for your children. Because, the so-called true love means that I love you, so I will be myself and come closer to you.