There are only 4 words for comprehensive skills in parent-child relationship: moderate dependence

When I went to learn roller skating with my son, I met a boy who made me feel particularly distressed. The boy, who was about four or five years old, was swaying on roller skates and had fallen several times, but his mother did not help him. The boy said to his mother several times: \”Mom, can you help me? I\’m scared.\” But his mother said: \”Other people skate by themselves. If I help you, how can you learn?\” So the boy fell again. After falling down, I sat on the ground and cried hard while touching my scratched palms. Someone next to me couldn\’t stand it anymore and said, \”The child is injured, so the mother can\’t be so cruel!\” The mother had a tough attitude: \”I can\’t bear such a small injury, and it can\’t become a big deal.\” Many parents believe that children must be independent from an early age, otherwise it will be difficult to achieve great things in the future. Therefore, some parents will choose to refuse their children\’s approach and \”push out\” their children prematurely, so that the children are forced to be independent out of fear. However, no matter how good the family education is, it is necessary to first give the child a \”sense of dependence\” before cultivating his \”sense of independence.\” American psychologist Bernstein proposed a term called \”moderate dependence\”: it is a balance between \”too much dependence\” and \”too much independence.\” Moderate dependence is the ability to combine intimacy and autonomy, and to rely on others while still maintaining a strong sense of self. However, many parents tend to ignore this balance and instead develop two other imbalanced states in their children: negative overdependence and obstructive alienation. No matter which state it is in, it is difficult for children to achieve success. 6980 Yuan Zhang Guowei’s Comprehensive Parent-Child Relationship Skills Recording + Handouts + Quick Notes It is difficult for parents who cannot “let go” to raise children with independent personalities. Teacher Lu Qin once shared a story. A single mother lives alone with her child, feeling very guilty because she cannot give her child a complete home. In order to give her children a good growing environment, she did everything for her children in every detail. Children are not allowed to do housework, and even small things like dressing and eating must be given instructions. Sometimes the child wants to help, and she always says: \”Go and study, don\’t worry about this.\” Slowly, the child becomes a person who has clothes to put on, food to eat and mouth to open, and he has to rely on his mother for everything. I have to ask my mother what clothes to wear every day. When the clothes are dirty, I blame my mother for not washing them in time. Once, my mother had a high fever and did not cook. The first thing a child does when he comes back is not to care about his mother, but to open the lid of the pot and see if the meal is ready. When a mother tells her child that she is sick, the child says, \”I\’m going out to eat.\” Sometimes, the more parents do, the easier it is to cut off the child\’s independence. Because children enjoy the \”comfort zone\” given by their parents, once they need to be independent, they cannot achieve \”separation\” from their parents, and they still hope to rely on their parents to help them. Psychologically speaking, children have a strong desire to \”I want to do it myself\” from the age of two to three. At this time, they will gradually complete the \”psychological separation\” from their parents. This means that children have gained self-awareness and are beginning to be responsible for and control their own behavior. At this time, the best way to help your child is to \”let go\”. However, many parents are always giving life advice to their children and always helping their children solve difficulties. Precisely because there are manyParents who \”always consider their children\” cut off their children\’s \”desire for knowledge\” and leave them with no ability to act independently after being separated from their parents. In one episode of the documentary, \”29-year-old son sued his parents for not raising him\”, 29-year-old Kuang Zhexuan became a giant baby because of his parents\’ \”arranged parenting\”. He said: \”My father is capable, but I am not capable, so he will take care of me until I am capable.\” Children who are deprived of exercise opportunities by their parents will still rely on their parents at an age when they should be independent in the future, and regard their parents\’ efforts as Take it for granted. Parents will never be able to raise independent and strong children if they don\’t let go. Children who are forced to be independent are always looking for a sense of security. We often say, \”Let children be independent from an early age.\” However, many parents violate the rules of their children\’s growth and deliberately train their children to be independent. For children, being forced to be independent too early, and showing \”emotional alienation\” in addition to fear in their hearts, is likely to create a child who lacks love in his heart. One netizen said: I am like a \”guest\” at home. I dare not make requests because I am always afraid of causing trouble to my parents. Because there are three children in the family, she is the neglected one. Her parents want her to be sensible and independent. When she was having a bad temper and refused to eat when she was a child, her parents would just let her starve; when she was learning to swim, her parents would just let her toss around in the swimming circle by herself, and would not care about her as long as there was no danger; when she was in elementary school, other students were left alone. Her parents took her to and from school, but her father stipulated that she \”must go to and from school independently\”… Once, she lost her fare home and kept calling her mother in the dormitory, hoping that she would pick her up. But her mother said: \”Ever since I was a child, I would only make trouble and figure out my own solutions.\” So she walked a full ten kilometers before returning home. Slowly, she no longer longed for others to help her. Recommended books on scientific parenting. I really hope my parents have read this book. Download the electronic version. They don’t ask for help when moving. They don’t ask for help from family members when they have difficulties. They just carry everything by force. She said: \”I used to be able to pretend to be independent, but after a long time, I forgot how to rely on others.\” Children before the age of 6 will be very dependent on their parents. This is the process of establishing children\’s sense of intimacy and attachment. Some parents often leave their children alone in fearful environments, thinking that this is independence. As everyone knows, children in this environment not only lack a sense of security, but also are in a state of \”apathy\”, which will continuously reduce their trust and sense of security in the outside world, and eventually become a child who does not trust anyone except himself. . Some psychologists have said this: Only after children\’s dependence is satisfied can they truly embark on the road to independence after gaining sufficient security and love. Therefore, if you want to raise a truly independent child, you must first set up \”not independent\” conditions for him so that he has the power to rely on you psychologically and emotionally. Only by grasping the scale of independence and dependence can children \”catch\” the future. I have heard such a story. A boy was doing his homework, and there was a question he couldn\’t write. He racked his brains and couldn\’t figure it out. The father working nearby noticed his son\’s distress, but did not take the initiative to help him. In the end, the son couldn\’t figure it out, so he wrote an answer randomly. The next day, the teacher criticizedHe found out that he was not serious about his homework and asked him to go home and write it again, otherwise he would be punished by standing still. So, the boy went home tremblingly and told his father what had happened. Dad said: \”You are not serious\”. His son refuted him vigorously. But his father said: \”You obviously don\’t know how to solve this question, but you didn\’t come to ask me, and you still wrote the answer randomly. Is this the result of being serious?\” So, with his father\’s guidance, the boy quickly understood his mistake . When educating children, we need to let them understand: On the way to growth, I will always give you the support you need; when I want you to be independent, it is because you have the ability to face it. Only children who have enjoyed dependence will have the opportunity to \”catch\” the future, because the sense of security given by their parents is the best opportunity for children to trust themselves and others. Psychological research shows that children\’s sense of security and independence are closely related. Only when children gain enough sense of security from their parents will they dare to explore the outside world and become independent. Therefore, independent children must first rely on their parents. Only when children have a sense of security will they become more powerful. 1) Establish children\’s sense of security and put respect and encouragement first. Psychological research has found that children with poor independence and strong dependence are mostly due to lack of self-confidence. Such children see themselves as useless and have a mentality of \”can\’t do this kind of thing\”, so they won\’t think of solutions. Therefore, on the way to growth, we must give our children more feelings of being loved and experiences of success. The famous psychologist Erikson\’s stages of social development pointed out that two important stages of a child will have an impact on the child\’s self-confidence. The first stage is: 1-3 years old, an important stage for establishing a child\’s sense of security. At this time, boldly let the children \”try\”, dress, eat, and make their own choices. Only by allowing the children to have a successful experience will they have more motivation to come into contact with new things. Parents should remember that parents should not interfere with \”things within their ability\” or \”things that their children want to do on their own initiative\”. They should first let their children feel respected. The second stage is: 5-12 years old, focusing on encouragement. Children at this stage have their own thoughts and have many more opportunities to do things independently. Parents should praise their children if they do well; if they do not do enough, parents should encourage them and recognize their children\’s abilities. Only children who have successful experiences will have the motivation to move forward. 2) Cultivate children’s help-seeking Psychologist Luis Cozzolino said: A child’s survival competitiveness does not depend on how many things he can do, but on how much personal help he can get. Between a child\’s independence and dependence, getting the power to ask for help is the foundation for establishing a child\’s sense of independence. American psychologists have conducted research on whether teenagers will seek help from others. They found 184 teenagers and followed them for 12 years. They asked them these questions when they were 13, 18, and 21 years old to see how mature and independent they were in all aspects at the age of 25. The results found that teenagers who are willing to ask for help are actually more capable of living independently in the future; they have more independent and mature judgment and know how to use resources to make various important decisions. Asking for help is a skill, not a weakness. A mother summarized these two points of education when raising her children: when something happens, let the children think for themselves first; always tell the children a truth“When you find you can’t accomplish something, remember to ask for help.” Let your children believe that \”there will always be support behind you.\” Some psychologists have summarized the secret of a harmonious parent-child relationship. Among them, the three factors that can make children happy are: compliance, acceptance, and balance. [Must-see for parents] Zeng Shiqiang’s comprehensive skills in parent-child relationship, 24 episodes 1.2G, must comply with: the child’s growth rhythm, do not force the child to be “independent”; and do not treat the child as a “swaddling baby” when it is time to allow the child to walk independently \”. Accept that one day children will gradually \”leave\” away from their parents\’ lives. Don\’t hold on too tightly, and don\’t push too far. There must be a balance: first give children a sense of dependence, so that they can feel safe; parents must first \”let go\”, so that children can become independent. A good parent-child relationship is close but not thick, sparse but not sparse. You deserve to be respected, and I respect you too. Only then will your child\’s life be more powerful.