There is a need for a \”third party\” between the baby and the mother. Do you know this secret?

The Oedipus complex in the family On Sunday, Dou’s mother and Dou’s father were sitting on the sofa watching TV, while Dou Zi was tinkering with his pots and pans, concentrating on his dream of being a chef. What we watched was the Korean drama \”My Wife is a Boss\”. The heroine\’s tough style deeply moved me, so I couldn\’t help but lift up my fist and start training with Dou Dad next to me. Ordinarily, such violent scenes should not be staged in front of children, but I was just trying to do something fancy, not a real beating. When I was beating Dou Zi, Dou Zi glanced up at his mother and continued to cut his \”vegetables\”. But Father Dou would never beg for mercy when faced with Mother Dou\’s fists and kicks. He fought back to defend men\’s rights. He grabbed my wrist. At this moment, Douzi got angry. He dropped the tableware in his hand, stood up suddenly, and shouted: \”Ah, don\’t hit mom!\” This scene was so touching that Douzi\’s mother almost burst into tears. In an instant, 2 years All the hard work was wiped out, and a stream of love surged in my heart: Son, my mother really didn’t love you in vain! Someone supported me, so I said to Dad proudly: \”Come on, try messing with me!\” Dad was dejected, defeated by his son\’s Oedipus plot. That night, Dou’s father said, “Honey, let’s have a daughter.” At first, before little Douzi was born, Dou’s father and I both hoped that he would be a girl. At one time, I had a small regret in my heart. However, my dear Douzi shattered my regrets with actions. There is a saying among the people, \”A daughter is her mother\’s little cotton-padded jacket.\” In the same way, Douzi is my men\’s little cotton-padded jacket, more considerate and warmer. I am the master chef in the family, working hard in the kitchen every day, cooking up all kinds of dishes for the two men to eat. What is a cook\’s greatest wish? The dishes are definitely praised by diners. My old man understands psychology, but he is arrogant and always uses transitional sentences. He pretends to agree first: \”It\’s good, not bad.\” The key is later, \”It would be better if there were more meat…\” \”It would be better if I add some sugar.\” I like it even more…\” Unfortunately, I study Chinese, and I never listen to the first part of a transitional sentence, so Doudaba\’s answer always makes me angry. Listen to what my son said: “Is the food cooked by mom delicious?” The long heat is worth it, it’s for the taste of my son’s happiness! Even though beans would turn the living room into a garbage dump, wear out my last patience before going to bed, and spill my perfume… But at the critical moment, it was he who stood up for me and blocked my father\’s \”black hand\” \”; When I was as busy as a bee, he came to me with a pot of noodles made of wool: \”Mom, let\’s eat noodles.\” He even asked considerately: \”Would you like some kimchi? \”How can you not make me burst into tears of gratitude and have no regrets? The Creator created men and women to love each other. This kind of love transcends age and status, making sons fall in love with their mothers and daughters fall in love with their fathers. Of course, they will grow up and learn to respect and love their parents. I have watched a German movie called \”Actually in Heaven\”. There is a memorable scene: when the male protagonist was a child, he was lying on a small bed and looking at his mother who slept with him.He solemnly told her: \”Mom, I want to marry you when I grow up.\” This is probably the wish hidden in every little boy\’s heart. Xiaodouzi loves her mother very much. Thinking of this makes me very happy. The child\’s need for a \”third party\” in intimate relationships is getting bigger and bigger, and he is already very sensitive to emotions. When a child is 2 to 3 years old, the child will develop interpersonal relationships other than the mother. During this period, the child will be particularly afraid of strangers, not because he is shy, but because he needs a sense of control: when a stranger invades the relationship between him and his mother, he will be a little scared, so being afraid of strangers is A normal state. When he discovers that building relationships with others can also bring him a satisfying experience, he will be keen to build relationships with other people. The most important person in this process is dad. The father\’s moderate involvement can actually pull the child away from the mother, making the relationship between the child and the mother farther away, so that the child can develop other relationships. If the father cannot intervene in the relationship between the child and the mother, it will cause trouble for the child. When some people reach adulthood, their relationship is still that of a baby and their mother, even if they are thirty or forty years old. This is common in single-parent families or families where the father is often absent or has no say in the family. Children in such a family structure still only respect their mother when they are thirty or forty years old, are very filial to their mother, attach great importance to their mother\’s experience, and at the same time have constant conflicts with their mother. This is very much like a child who is 6 to 12 months old again. Back to baby state. Therefore, the father\’s timely entry can prevent the relationship between the mother and the child from being too close, which is very beneficial to the child\’s future socialization and independence. But many fathers don’t realize this. Children over 2 years old have not completely broken away from the state of being one with their mother, but they also understand that mother is mother and father is father. The most interesting thing is that many male babies have an unconscious desire to protect their mothers. Protecting my mother actually means hoping to be with my mother forever. The baby\’s \”self-interested\” motivation is often interpreted by the mother according to her own wishes: the son is born to protect the mother, and the son is closest to the mother. Of course, this can satisfy the mother\’s inner desire to be protected. Especially for women who feel that their husbands do not love them very much, the baby\’s behavior can be directly exploited by them. From then on, the relationship between mother and son becomes closer, forming a pathological entanglement. Case interpretation: The child has no ability to satisfy his mother. During a family therapy training, I encountered such a case. There is a family of three. The relationship between the father and mother is very estranged. They complain and even resent each other. Out of concern about their 16-year-old child being addicted to the Internet, they brought their child to my consulting room together. When they met, the mother looked blank, the father looked anxious, and the son looked indifferent. As they picked their seats, family ties were immediately apparent: Mom sat down first, her son naturally sat next to her, and his father had to sit on the other side. From this position, the mother is the key link between the son and the father, but the mother is not aware of it at all. When the therapist asked the mother what her role was at home, she said, “I don’t have a place.The position is just to meet the needs of the father and son, basically a nanny. \”When the mother was talking, the son listened very carefully, while the husband turned his head to the side. Maybe he heard too many complaints. But when the father was talking, the son still only paid attention to his mother. The son and his mother were very close, at least. This is how the son behaved. How could there not be problems with such a family structure? It can be seen that the son really wants to satisfy his mother and make her happy. However, he has no ability and his mother is always unhappy. This feeling of powerlessness makes He is frustrated and angry, so his feelings towards his mother are very ambivalent: he wants to leave her, but is worried that her mother will be more helpless because of his leaving, so he doesn\’t know what to do. On the Internet, he can completely ignore these experiences , and find his own true happiness. Therefore, the Internet has become a tool to alleviate the anxiety and frustration caused by relationship conflicts. He can also use the Internet to fantasize about becoming a free self. I think this boy must have been very happy at the beginning. Like Xiaodouzi, he is satisfied in the close relationship with his mother. The mother must also dote on the child, but in the process of doting, she controls everything about the child, including preventing him from interacting with his father. And this father Due to work and other reasons, I have not established a better parent-child relationship with my children. Of course, it is difficult to be the middleman between the children and their mothers, and it is also difficult to be a role model for the children to identify themselves. How to establish a triangle relationship with children? Why do some mothers put All the attention is focused on the children, but the relationship with the husband is full of crises and conflicts? This still has to be attributed to women’s self-worth issues. With thousands of years of cultural inheritance, the phrase \”equality between men and women\” cannot directly improve all women A sense of intrinsic value. Because they lack a sense of intrinsic value, they need their husbands to satisfy themselves. Once their husbands disappoint them, they need a substitute, and naturally they focus on their sons. She will criticize her husband in front of her sons. It’s not good to use sad emotions to convey the harm done to you by your husband. If a son loves his mother in his heart, he will have the desire to protect his mother (actually it is not protection, but love). In this way, the son will naturally stand by his mother. , like the mother\’s protector. If such scenes and relationships are repeatedly strengthened, instead of parents using harmonious relationships to break the children\’s inner fantasies, then the fantasies will become a reality. Use Douzi as an example, if Douzi\’s \”Don\’t hit If the fantasy of \”Mom\” is strengthened, Douzi will establish a seamless relationship with Douzi\’s mother, and my father will not be recognized by Douzi and will be excluded by him. If there is a problem with the family structure, the relationship will naturally go wrong. Fortunately, Douzi has When such fantasies or even cognitive deviations occur, I will tell Douzi the truth together with Douzi. Douzi needs the truth. In the truth, Douzi does not need to guess, he will know that mom and dad are a couple and love each other, that is, We have begun to establish a relatively healthy triangle relationship. When some mothers ask why their children can only be good friends with one child, and when his good friends have other friends, they will be very sad and angry. I will tell those mothers :Children’s triangleThe relationship is not well established and the problem lies in their relationship with their husbands. \”Don\’t hit mommy\” may seem like a joke, but in fact it is a reflection of the parents\’ inner wishes, and of course a manifestation of the relationship. Mothers who are happy when their children say this must not be happy too early, and do not encourage their children to have such emotions, because this may mean that the children have no beginning of self, and the initiator may be the mother!