These 6 invisible controls are destroying children’s motivation

Child complains about parent: You have always controlled me. Parents counterattack: No matter how much I control you, I do whatever you want. The conflict has become somewhat heated, with the father-in-law saying the public is right, and the mother-in-law saying the mother-in-law is right. Today we are going to talk about several types of \”letting go\” that you think may be a kind of control in children\’s feelings – invisible control. \”Just do whatever you want.\” Little A said: \”The last thing I want to hear from my mother is \’Just do whatever you want\’. What I feel is not that she has given me freedom, but that she has denied me – As long as what I do is different from what she expects, she seems to give up on me. I feel like I am being thrown somewhere, and I feel uncomfortable.\” I asked Little A\’s mother, what did you feel when you said this? What did she think? She said: \”I\’m just very angry. You didn\’t listen to anything I said. Why don\’t you give up and quit? Just do whatever you want. You can fend for yourself.\” Little A Both my mother and I are brave, dare to express our true selves, and dare to face our own \”shadow\”. When they express all these, they find an opportunity to break the situation. Little A\’s mother slowly realized: \”Yes, when you can\’t meet my expectations in action, I use \’whatever you want\’ to gain a psychological advantage and the feeling that I can still control the situation. But I do this \”It\’s really not helpful to children.\” This can also be understood as using passive resistance to regain a sense of control. \”It\’s up to you.\” Another way of passive resistance is \”It\’s up to you.\” Little B mentioned this sentence when he complained about his mother. She said: \”I think some of what my mother said makes sense, but I don\’t move that fast. I heard it and thought I could try it later. But my mother was always very anxious and saw that I didn\’t press the button immediately. She suggested doing this, and I felt threatened. I had an exchange with Little B’s mother, and she said, “Calm down and think about it, I am indeed a bit “threatened”. Meaning. Although I definitely didn\’t want to admit it at the time. \”I said this threat was interesting. How did you understand it?\” She was very honest and slowly peeled it off, gaining a deeper understanding of herself: \”When I said this, essentially I didn\’t believe that the child could do it. She didn\’t listen to my good advice, how could she do it? I want to see if you can really handle it? If you have any problems, don\’t come to me. You can handle it yourself. Don\’t worry, I will punish you. \”You are not worthy if you are not under my control. Be blessed, even though this was not my mother’s intention. Ding Li’s mother, who pleases Ding Li, has been having a “mixed life” lately. Over the weekend, she and Ding Li had a big fight over whether to agree to buy a game membership. Two days later, she told me: I still bought it for him, even though I was very reluctant. I asked her what considerations made her make such a change, and she said: \”Forget it, it\’s not a critical moment for the high school entrance examination. I\’ll just fulfill his wish. Only by building a good relationship can he listen to me.\” I have done all this for him, he must learn from it. I agree with this, so he should agree with me to a certain extent.\” In exchange for unwillingness to compromise, it is likely to use a person. problem to cover up another problem so that in order to take control of the situationYes, it won\’t last long. It may pay a greater price: the child\’s expanding desires – until you can\’t satisfy it even if you want to please. Boundaries cannot be established – flouting rules, what can and cannot be done, no boundaries. \”I\’m going to have a heart attack.\” Wei Qing was in a very depressed mood. I asked him: Is there anything you want to talk to me about? He said: I don’t know what to talk about, my mother asked me to come. She was not doing well at home. She always told me that her heart was very unwell. She also said that the results of the physical examination were not good and there were nodules. I\’m afraid she\’ll die. I said to Wei Qing: Would you like to tell me what I can do with you for your mother? This is how our communication opens up. Wei Qing vented a lot of his dissatisfaction with his mother, and gradually became less emotional and began to talk about many topics related to himself. It seems that adults\’ \”self-injury\” pushes children to connect to external resources, but I still don\’t agree with this way of using my own physical health as a \”threat\” to try to make children have to listen to me. Overall, this does more harm than good. Not every child has the ability to open himself up in communication, and not every resource can be suitable and supportive for the child. It would be too risky to do so. The risk is: where does the child put himself? The self-deprecating type achieves the purpose of making the other person feel guilty in disguised form by devaluing oneself, thereby gaining a psychological advantage. This is what Jiang Lin said made his head explode when he heard it: \”I am a useless mother. Ask your father to find another mother for you. I failed very much. I failed to raise you well. It\’s all It\’s my fault that I\’m incompetent, not your fault. You deserve better parents. I really shouldn\’t have given birth to you and made you suffer.\” My mother must have felt very painful when she said this. But the child\’s pain when hearing these words is no less painful than that of his parents. A child is so loyal to his family. He has to develop himself and listen to his own needs. What kind of inner contradiction will he face if he also has to take care of his parents\’ feelings at the same time. Parents also want affirmation from their children. It is not easy to get the approval of an adolescent child, but this does not mean that they reject their parents. If an adult cannot understand a child\’s feelings and needs the child to take care of the adult\’s feelings, the relationship is misaligned. There is a deeper aspect of avid learners that may create conditions for control—parents who are obsessive about learning how to raise their children. You may be curious, don’t parents need to learn and grow in order to accompany their children well? How come learning parents can control them instead? Not all learning parents will control their children, but super-rational learning is most likely to be more \”convenient\” to create conditions for another form of control. What is super-rational learning – knowing the child\’s growth patterns and stage characteristics like the back of his hand, and storing a lot of parenting knowledge. It is precisely because of these that he has a good understanding of the child\’s psychology, but in the actual interaction with the child, he will I use this as a tool to play games with my children to achieve my goal of how to get my children to listen to me more efficiently. If such control occurs, it is most likely to be very gentle and invisible. The child will not even be aware of it at first, but when he reacts, he will feel the pain of wanting to break away but not being able to. SmallZhou expressed it this way: \”I don\’t have any secrets in front of my mother. She knows all my little thoughts. Most of the time, I have a good relationship with her, and she often shows respect for me, but sometimes she feels She is too understanding, or too rigorous. As we chatted about many topics, I found that she would guide me very hard to the place that she felt was right, although the process was not very intense and I felt very restrained.” Just follow your brain – think super rationally, don\’t follow your heart – use your natural emotions to embrace everything, making it easier to control. From the above, I believe that you definitely do not intend to exercise control. You have a lot of helplessness and are so helpless that you have nothing to do. It is unrealistic to have no expectations at all. Even if you firmly believe that there must be a certain amount of control in parenting, you want a child to act within a range that we can control, think is safer, and is more conducive to his growth. Most likely they won\’t accept it. So, accept their boldness and risk-taking as they grow up. You can still say, whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, but your tone can be completely different. It is you who really decide, are willing to let go, and sincerely bless you – you are not willing to accept my opinion, but I am willing to bless you. Try your own strategies.