These so-called \”polites\” are slowly killing your children

Mian\’s mother has been asked to be a good, sensible and polite child since she was a child, so from a very young age, she listened to her parents talking about how to be polite. Although she didn\’t understand why some \”polites\” must be done, But we also follow this principle conscientiously. However, as I get older, and I carefully recall some of the details about politeness in my childhood, it feels very uncomfortable. There are some things that obviously do not need to be done and should not be done, but are regarded as \”not polite\” by the elders. The criticism is suppressed, and the grievances, discomforts, and doubts are only gradually understood after adulthood. Certain Chinese-style \”polite\” requirements are hurting our children. \”You are the eldest child, why don\’t you give way to your younger brother?\” There is a tradition in our country\’s traditional culture: among children, the eldest child must give way to the younger one, and the older child needs to bear more responsibilities. This kind of traditional culture has been passed down from generation to generation for thousands of years, and it still stands strong in modern society. Sometimes, we even hope that children as young as 4 or 5 years old will have to carry such heavy moral baggage. In families with multiple children, there is often a scene like this: two children have a conflict over a toy or object, and they both go to their mother and father to reason aggrievedly. At this time, the parents, as the \”referees\”, naturally The older child asked: \”You are the elder brother (sister), you have to let your younger brother (sister).\” \”You are an older child and you need to be sensible. Your younger brother (sister) is still young and not sensible, so how can you argue with him? ?\” Under such a one-size-fits-all judgment, it will either end with the eldest child being aggrieved and resigned, or it will be the beginning of a family war – many times the eldest child is the one who is reasonable, facing the \”injustice\” of his parents. , Sensitive children are likely to have emotional outbursts, and even have the idea that \”Mom and Dad don\’t love me, they love my younger brothers (sisters) more\”, emotionally alienating younger siblings, and may even lead to older children taking the initiative to bully younger siblings. So why is it that this is a traditional consensus that has been circulating for a long time, but now it clearly has more advantages than disadvantages? In fact, there is nothing wrong with being humble in itself, but today\’s society is no longer as strict in etiquette as it was in ancient times. In the Confucian tradition, although older brothers and sisters have great responsibilities, they also have more advantages in family and social resources, obligations and rights. Equally, it\’s not a big problem. But today\’s society is pursuing more of a family atmosphere of equality and freedom. It is very important for parents to basically be \”even in a bowl of water\” when it comes to dealing with their children. If you continue to follow the old rules and deal with conflicts between children indiscriminately, \”praising the older and protecting the younger\”, this will not only damage the relationship between brothers and sisters over time, but may also threaten the health of the parent-child relationship. At the same time, most children are still in the stage of psychological development. Most of them cannot understand the reason for this \”wronging\” through their parents\’ words. They will only think that their parents are partial, or that they have done something bad that makes their parents dislike them; on the contrary, whether or not Younger siblings who can be protected by their parents will become more and more confident in \”bullying\” their older siblings, becoming more willful and arrogant. In fact, when children quarrel, parents should do one thingBe a firm neutral. Don\’t directly assert right or wrong. Instead, you should let both parties explain the whole story clearly before arbitration. You must not ask the reasonable child to give way to the unreasonable for the reason of \”the big one should give way to the small one.\” Children, do not show favoritism, do not protect children. For example, when children are fighting for toys, parents must determine which child the toy itself belongs to and which child has the right to handle it. Parents can coordinate this by first confirming the child\’s property rights to the item, and then asking in a discussion tone. Whether it can be \”lent\” to another child to play with, if the child is not willing, don\’t force it. Do not harm children\’s property rights and sense of self-identity at will. \”You don\’t even know how to call your uncle when you see him. It\’s rude!\” I believe most parents have experienced this scene in their childhood: Our parents took us out and met a neighbor we didn\’t know well on the corridor. Uncle, when we were young, we hid behind our parents and peeked carefully, and the strange uncle said polite words such as \”XX has grown taller again.\” At this time, our parents would push us hard. Before, let\’s call someone. So we started to get entangled and became unhappy. I clearly didn’t know this person, so why should I call him a stranger? Our parents, who hadn’t seen us for a long time, were anxious. While apologizing to the unfamiliar uncle, they glanced at us: \”I don’t know how to call my uncle when I see him. It’s rude!\” Does it sound familiar? Because Mian\’s mother herself was a member of a large group of people who were \”forced to call people\” in childhood, and her soul was deeply affected when she was a child! I obviously don’t know this person at all, why do I have to call him and say hello? If I don\’t take the initiative to say hello, I will be labeled as \”not polite\”, which makes my little neck sore! Now that I think about it, parents who always force their children to greet anyone on any occasion are actually destroying their children\’s self-esteem, security, and sense of belonging bit by bit. They clearly don\’t know that person, but they must violate themselves. Be willing to take the initiative to say hello, otherwise you will be labeled as impolite. In fact, the younger the child, the first reaction when encountering a strange or unfamiliar person is to avoid and be on guard. When meeting an unfamiliar person, the first reaction is often to be on guard and withdraw. Children\’s natural sense of security is established in an environment of acquaintances. The addition of strangers, especially adults, will more or less temporarily affect the child\’s current sense of security. Only after getting together for a period of time can the child become familiar with it. , to take off your guard. So you will find that most children do not like to communicate verbally or make eye contact with unfamiliar adults who they have met even a few times. However, when faced with strangers such as kindergarten teachers, childcare aunts or acquaintances and relatives that their parents often visit, It is rare to avoid or ignore them. In fact, parents\’ command-style \”calling people\” politeness may have a negative impact on their children. In fact, if you really want your children to develop the habit of actively greeting people, you don\’t need to force your children to practice it. Parents can just set an example themselves. , children are influenced by adults and sometimes imitate and take the initiative to say hello to others. Secondly, parents can try to read some picture books or animations for their children to form a habit, which will influence them subtly.Depending on the child\’s behavior, or every time he meets a stranger, parents can tell the child the person\’s identity and relationship with his parents afterwards to give the child a warm welcome, so that he might take the initiative to say hello next time. \”You are too generous, my child is still far behind!\” In daily life, we often encounter people who are accustomed to \”self-deprecation\”. These people may be trying to integrate into a new environment, or they may want to gain something from others. For some things, in order to appear humble and to please others both verbally and psychologically, these people will deliberately belittle some of their own strengths. Even if something is done well, they will \”humbly\” say, \”Where is it?\” I\’m not doing well enough, I\’m still far behind others. However, if this kind of \”self-deprecation\” is forced on children by parents, then the situation may not be good. The child of a relative of Mian\’s mother just entered junior high school a few years ago. He went to a pretty good middle school in his hometown and his grades were always among the best in the class. His grades were enough to be praised at relatives\’ gatherings during the Chinese New Year. However, for some unknown reason, ever since the child was in elementary school, even though his grades have always been good, relatives would always \”humble themselves\” in front of other people, and sometimes even scolded the child: \” Did you get into the top 10 in the class this time? That\’s still far from it. I heard that XX in the community got into the top 20 in grade this time, and she\’s not even close yet!\” Or: \”Won\’t she win an award for an instrument? What the hell, I heard that our leader\’s children are going to participate in national competitions…\” Such words were spoken casually. Whenever someone praised her children at parties or other times, she would quickly belittle them. Ichiban. In fact, I could tell that the child was unhappy every time, but I never refuted my mother. I once asked this relative in private. The child\’s grades were already good. Why did he keep saying this to the child? It hurt the child\’s self-esteem. However, the relative then But what she said left me quite speechless and choked up: \”Aren\’t I afraid that if she is praised by others, she will be proud and her grades will be bad? She is only in junior high school, and she will only see the real results in high school.\” I am not afraid of such a blow to my child\’s self-confidence. Will the heart make children give up on themselves? Just like Mian\’s mother, she didn\’t ask her children\’s opinions at all, so she forcibly dumped \”humility\” on her children, forcing her children to admit that she was \”not good enough\” in front of outsiders, and she didn\’t pay attention to her children\’s inner activities. , and have no scruples about \”saving face\” for their children. If this situation continues for a long time, the children may subconsciously define themselves: I am just not good enough and not worthy of praise. In such negative emotions, children will either slowly develop an inferiority complex and become timid in doing things, or they will simply give up on themselves and be too lazy to make any more efforts. Many parents are afraid that their children will become arrogant because they are excellent and are praised too much. This is essentially illogical. When a child has indeed done something worthy of praise, appropriate praise can have a positive motivating effect. After all, everyone hopes to gain recognition from others after they work hard to achieve results. For those who are afraid that their children will be proud and regress because of praise, parents only need to pay attention to the way of praise and affirmation and language skills.Instead of giving lavish praise, the praise must be placed on the children\’s efforts for this matter. This will not only allow the children to gain satisfaction, but also always remember that their achievements are earned through their own hard work and hard work. , if you want to get it again, you need to continue to act. Don\’t hurt your children with \”politeness\” does not mean that you don\’t need them to be polite. The basic etiquette and courtesy that removes the dross actually has a great positive effect on the growth of children. By learning these correct etiquette and courtesy, children can reduce their insecurities in various aspects. This kind of conflict in social interaction, a truly \”polite\” child will not become a naughty child in the eyes of others! Use standing up to express attention and use both hands to express respect. We all know that in school classes, when a child wants to answer a question or discuss a topic, he will be asked by the teacher to stand up and speak; standing up to express his views in this way is a good way to express his views in formal occasions. It will appear that you take this issue more seriously. Even in daily casual situations, it is necessary to talk to others on an equal footing, showing that you value the other person and the conversation. At the same time, receiving objects with both hands is a common courtesy issue. It may not be particularly obvious in daily life, but when it comes to award ceremonies or receiving gifts from others, receiving objects with both hands can express sufficient respect for the other person. Don\’t point your finger at people. In our common saying, \”pointing\” is used to describe the behavior of belittling or talking about someone behind their back. From this, we can see that pointing your finger at someone is not a good thing. Except when asking for directions, pointing your finger at someone is very impolite. In some places, it may even be considered \”uneducated\”. When talking to others, it is best to leave appropriate physical space. If you point your finger at the other person, it will make the other person feel very uncomfortable and disrespected. This is a behavior that should be avoided from an early age. Be careful not to disturb others in public places. In public places, parents should teach their children to pay attention to the situations around them. Will their actions affect others? If you and your friends are fooling around, will you disturb passers-by who are having a quiet meal or reading? The first step in learning to respect others is to learn not to disturb others in public places and to leave enough space for others. Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you. Parents can educate their children directly. If someone pushes and makes a fuss when you are resting or concentrating on something, you will be very unhappy, right? Children should also learn to respect each other in this regard. To be a good guest with boundaries, adults need to have boundaries in social interactions, but children also need to have a simple concept of \”boundaries\”. Every time there is a holiday reunion or when relatives and friends come to visit, there will be a lot of lamentations on the Internet. The contents are nothing more than: \”A child from a relative comes to the house, and everything in the room has been looted!\” \”Today\’s naughty children are so disgusting. , they clamor for whatever they like, and the worst part is that the bear parents have to help out and grab it!\” The final analysis of these complaining children and parents is that the boundaries are not clear. Children do not have the basic knowledge and etiquette of being a guest, and parents take it for granted that meeting the needs of their children is everyone\’s obligation. From the first step a child takes out of the house, he is actually learning how to integrate into society.Yes, respecting other people’s boundaries is a very important step when interacting with others. When children do not know how to respect other people’s boundaries and intrude at will, the result may be that they will be complained about by relatives and friends, or they may cause serious trouble. Therefore, teach children Being a good guest with boundaries is also a must-learn lesson for parents.