This behavior of parents is actually the poison that hurts their children the most.

I have a friend who has a 4-year-old child. He originally had a house, but it was not in a school district. In order to send my children to a good school district, I sold my house and used all my savings to buy a shabby and small house in an old school district. With the elderly and a family of four crowded into a space of more than 50 square meters, the quality of life has been severely reduced. But she said: For the future of the child, something must be sacrificed. When I saw her again a while ago, she looked much more haggard. When asked, the child has now been transferred to a well-known private international bilingual kindergarten, and he also enrolls in painting and English training classes. Thinking about their children\’s future education, the couple found a part-time job in addition to their jobs. I advised her not to work so hard, but she was very stubborn: the top picks now come from good and wealthy families. Children\’s education is invested with money, and this money must be earned. Looking at her look, I didn\’t know whether to feel distressed or helpless. There is a question on Zhihu: Why do so many parents in China spend far more money on their children than their families can afford? It\’s obvious that I can\’t bear it any longer, but I still feel like I haven\’t given enough. In the name of love, sacrificing for love, how tragic does it sound like father\’s love and mother\’s love? After all, after becoming parents, we are burdened with too much anxiety. And blindly making efforts beyond one\’s ability and making unprincipled sacrifices are exactly the manifestation of a lack of \”sense of boundaries.\” HSBC once released a \”2017 Value of Education Report\”, which analyzed global investment in education and other aspects. It mentioned that 82% of parents are ready to make sacrifices for their children\’s success. Among them, Chinese parents top the list in terms of education expenditure, crushing the world. It seems that education has become a boundless sacrifice. Even though he works hard and is burdened with various loans, when it comes to his children, he can hold on and resurrect with full health without daring to slack off at all. \”Children carry the future of the entire family. No matter how poor we are, we cannot afford education, and no matter how difficult it is, we cannot suffer for our children.\” This is the tragedy of Chinese-style sacrifice education. Some parents will tell their children: It’s all because of you that your parents are working so hard… But this kind of kidnapping education puts a heavy emotional debt on the children. And some children may become selfish people who don\’t know how to be grateful and only know how to take. Because when parents\’ love has no boundaries for their children, the children\’s demands will also have no boundaries. A few years ago, a tragedy occurred at Shanghai Pudong Airport: Wang, a graduate student who had been studying in Japan for five years, stabbed his mother nine times when he came to greet her, causing her to fall into coma on the spot. The reason was actually because his mother said, \”There is no money to give him.\” The total cost of studying abroad for five years was more than 1.5 million yuan, which was far greater than Wang\’s mother\’s monthly salary income of 7,000 yuan. Wang\’s mother later borrowed money everywhere, but she still could not satisfy her son\’s desires. According to an international student who is also in Japan, \”Wang\’s annual expenses of 20,000 to 30,000 yuan are too extravagant.\” Wang\’s mother gave almost all she could, but what she got in return was her child being stabbed nine times in a row. This is not an exception. In August last year, a 10-year-old boy became popular. He said: \”I am too good. My parents are not worthy of a son like me.\” This isThe life of a ten-year-old child is a microcosm of the average child in many urban families: he learns Mathematical Olympiad, piano, Go, and roller skating; he pays attention to English skills and studies hard. But because he felt that he was too good, he despised his parents for not being good enough for him. All his classmates were holding iPhone 7s, but he thought he only had a children\’s watch. He said: \”I strive to be excellent so that I can escape from my incompetent and ignorant family of origin as soon as possible.\” This is a utilitarian and cold-blooded child under the chicken-blood education. The parents\’ lifelong efforts have cultivated such a white-eyed wolf. Parents feel that what is mine belongs to their children, and everything they have must be \”dedicated\” to their children, and children will also feel that everything their parents have is mine. As long as I want it, my parents should give it to me. Chinese-style borderless giving brings not a promising future for the children, but a dilemma for the parent-child relationship. When children become accustomed to having no boundaries in their behavior, their psychology will become even more boundaryless. The child\’s self-function is deprived, so there is a \”giant baby\” child. I have a cousin whose father and mother divorced when he was more than 1 year old, and he has been living with his mother ever since. His mother also put all her thoughts on him and took good care of him. I slept with him since he was a child, and until he was 8 years old, he was unwilling to share a room with his mother. In life, she protects him in every detail, doing his laundry, tidying up his room, and helping him make any decisions. Whatever he wanted, his mother would try her best to satisfy him. And he, too, whenever he saw something good from someone else, he would say with disdain, \”Huh, let my mom buy it.\” Now that he is 15 years old, he once visited his house as a guest and mentioned that he wanted to go out to play during the holidays. His mother nagged a few words, and he suddenly became furious and shouted in front of me: \”Why are you taking care of everything? Is it over yet? I\’m so damn tired of it!\” After saying that, he Slam the door and walk out. The deeper the parents invade their children\’s psychological boundaries when they were young, the more serious the children\’s psychological boundaries will be lost as adults. On the one hand, he desperately wanted to rebel against his parents and gain independence and freedom; but on the other hand, he was extremely dependent on his parents and lacked independent opinions. He kept struggling in the big web woven by his parents, but could not escape and was tortured. He doesn\’t know what it means to respect his parents, respect others, and he doesn\’t even know how to respect himself. In getting along with others, conflicts will break out one after another. Love without boundaries is a poison of blind destruction to children. What is poisonous is the future of the child, and what is punished is the sincerity of the parents. The existence of psychological boundaries separates us and our children into independent individuals. But if we have an intimate love with our children, it is easy for us to cross boundaries. Freud said: \”Life is like playing chess. If you make one mistake, you will lose everything. This is a sad thing; and life is not as good as playing chess. You cannot play another game or regret the game.\” Therefore, in parenting, During the process of having a baby, we were trembling with fear and extremely anxious. On the boundary between giving and letting go, we waver and falter. When children are 1-2 years old, their self-awareness begins to sprout. By the time the child is three years old, we can help the child establish the initial psychological boundaries. The most important point is to note: our love for our children is unconditional. But for childrenThere must be limits to giving. Sense of security is the foundation and premise. Before the child is 1 year old, give the child unlimited intimacy and cultivate the child\’s sense of security. This is the prerequisite for all education. Listening and encouraging are the correct ways to give. When a child starts to say \”no\”, it means that the child has entered a sensitive period of self-awareness. The effort at this time is to learn to \”listen to the child.\” Respect his voice and personal wishes, do not force him or her, and do not do everything for him. Encourage the child to try some behaviors on his own, such as: – Let the child eat by himself; – Walk by himself when going out instead of always holding him; – Get the toys he wants to play with. Get it yourself;… Make good use of \”rejection\” in giving. When your children grow up, you must start to set boundaries for your children. Use a kind but firm attitude to say \”no\” to your children\’s requests that exceed your principles. Once at a party with friends, during the meal, the children made a fuss about looking at their mobile phones and playing games. The friend was very calm. She put down the chopsticks in her hand, looked into the child\’s eyes and said, \”We have already watched it at home today, so we can\’t watch it anymore.\” But the child didn\’t listen and continued to cry. The friend hugged the child and said, \”Mom, I know you want to watch it, but we have to abide by the agreement to only watch it once a day. And mom and aunt are having dinner, so you can go over there with your sister to play.\” After that, the child looked at her mother\’s attitude. Still determined, I had no choice but to put down my phone and go play. I couldn\’t help but praise her repeatedly, she said, because I had never compromised on anything I had said no to before. So he can understand my bottom line and understand that crying can\’t satisfy his requirements, so he won\’t make endless fuss. Zhao Wei once said in the program \”Chinese Restaurant\”, \”Children must not be allowed to become the person with the highest status in the family.\” How much blind giving has inverted the relationship between children and parents. When we put our children in the most important position, we will be very anxious and always worry about not giving enough to our children, so it is easy for us to be obedient and responsive to our children\’s requests. Even if you have wronged yourself and lowered yourself, you must satisfy your children\’s desires. When we set reasonable boundaries for our children and do what we can, we will let them understand that the world is not centered around them. The famous German philosopher Jaspers said: \”The essence of education is to use one tree to shake another tree, one cloud to push another cloud, and one soul to awaken another soul.\” An excellent child has always been You cannot rely on \”boundless\” efforts to obtain it. After all, when we sacrifice everything for our children and live in the hustle and bustle of life, how can we expect our children to see the bright poetry and the distance?