Three easy ways to solve your child\’s unreasonable troubles

After the child is two or three years old, his self-awareness begins to sprout. He often loses his temper for no reason, deliberately makes trouble, and makes trouble unreasonably. For example, clamoring for candy before going to bed, clamoring to buy this toy when going to the mall, crying in public, refusing to go to school, etc. At this time, it is generally useless to reason with him or coax him. They simply cannot listen and still go their own way. In the process of fighting wits with my children, I summarized three solutions: The first solution: respond promptly and have appropriate empathy. Sometimes, children know clearly that they are wrong, but make trouble unreasonably. In fact, it is a catharsis and expression of emotions. Recognize it clearly. After this point, we don’t need to get angry when our children are unreasonable. We just need to respond promptly, affirm the children’s feelings, and give appropriate empathy. On the first day of school after the summer vacation, Rooney stayed in bed and refused to get out of bed, saying, \”Mom, I don\’t want to go to school!\” I was about to reason with him, but in a blink of an eye I realized that this was just him expressing his feelings. In fact, he knew very well. He has to go to school today because I told him a few days ago. So I first confirmed his feelings: \”Well, Mom understands that after such a long vacation, you will really not want to go to school.\” Seeing that I didn\’t blame him, he changed his strategy: \”Mom, I seem to be sick. I really can\’t go to school.\” I quickly asked: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” \”It seems like you have a fever and a headache.\” I knew he was lying, but I didn\’t tell him, so I cooperated and touched his head and said, \”Well, maybe I just woke up and I\’m a little hot. It\’ll be fine in a while. Get up and go to school.\” But he continued to make trouble: \”Mom, I really don\’t want to go to school today!\” I continued to stay calm: \”Yeah, I don\’t want to after a long vacation. You have to go to work, I understand you very much, but you must go to school today. Just lie down for another 2 minutes, and I will come over and call you later.\” Just like that, 2 minutes later, he got up obediently. Throughout the entire process, I remained calm and peaceful. The first step is to be aware of the reasons for the child\’s emotions and affirm the child\’s feelings. The second step is to put yourself in someone else\’s shoes and tell the child that her mother doesn\’t want to go to work after a long vacation. This makes the child feel respected and understood. Finally, after the child\’s mood calmed down, I stopped and firmly told him that he must go to school and not let him continue to indulge in the emotion of not wanting to go to school. This step was very important and ultimately led him to get up on time and go to school. Most of the time, empathy is undoubtedly the first tool for establishing good communication. However, the degree of empathy is difficult to grasp, and it can be excessive if you are not careful. Many parents know how to empathize, but they often forget to stop in moderation. As a result, their empathy turns into pity for their children. As a result, the problem is not solved, but the children become worse and cry more violently. A mother once told me a similar thing: Once, the child accidentally fell down and broke his knee, bleeding a little. The child started crying. The mother immediately ran over because she had just watched the parenting She immediately used the empathy method mentioned above, picked up the child, blew on his wound vigorously, and kept saying: \”Oh, the baby is injured, it must be very painful. Mom loves you! I really hope he is injured.\” It’s mom~~~” It was just a small wound at first, and it would stop hurting after a while, but after being overly touched by my mother,Pay attention, the child is crying more and more! Empathy is not sympathy, nor is it pity. The message sent by empathy is: \”I understand how you feel. You are hurt. This is a great difficulty for you, but I will help you get through it.\” The message sent by compassion is: \”You are pitiful. You don\’t deserve this. I feel unfair for you and I am willing to bear the pain for you.\” Empathy is a matter-of-fact attitude, while pity is unprincipled pity for people. The book \”Children Challenge\” says: Children are very sensitive to adults\’ attitudes. If we pity the children, the children will think that they have reasons to feel sorry for themselves. When a child feels sorry for himself, his pain will be doubled, because at this time he does not need to actively think of ways to face his own predicament, but becomes more and more dependent on the mercy of others, and has to wait for others to comfort him before he can get better. . Gradually, children become less and less courageous to solve problems on their own. But the people around him cannot comfort him like his mother. When he does not have the courage to solve problems and cannot rely on others, he will turn from self-sorrow and self-pity to complaining and anger, forming a wrong understanding-\”This world\” You owe me” and ended up in a miserable vicious cycle. The second trick: Use imaginary games to divert attention. When empathy cannot solve the problem, we might as well try the second trick: cleverly use imagination to enter imaginary games with the child, and finally achieve the goal of successfully diverting attention. When Rooney was 3 years old, one night when everyone was going to bed, he was clamoring for candy. I hugged him and first showed empathy: \”Well, baby, mommy knows you want to eat sweets now.\” Then I told him firmly: \”But now it\’s bedtime. You must not eat sweets before going to bed. It\’s easy to get tooth decay. You I know.\” But he didn\’t listen at all and continued to struggle and cry in my arms. I changed my strategy and said to him with a smile: \”Baby, what kind of candy do you want to eat? Mommy will conjure it up for you.\” When the child heard this, he stopped crying and asked dubiously: \”Really? I want strawberry.\” It tastes delicious!\” I put my hands behind my back and muttered: \”The sky is moving and the earth is moving~~~change~~~\” Then I held the air with my hands, carefully placed it in front of the child, and said: \”Look, this is Try the strawberry-flavored fruit candies.\” Just when the child was confused, I pretended to say \”Ah woo\” and took a bite: \”Well, it\’s so delicious and sweet! Don\’t you want to try it too?\” Child He began to understand that I was playing a game with him, so he also took a bite in cooperation: \”Well, it\’s so sweet!\” \”What other flavor do you want?\” \”Apple flavor, uh~~~ No, no, no, pineapple~ ~~\” In this way, I gave him \”candy\” of various flavors and shapes again and again. Gradually, the child forgot about eating sweets and entered into a happy imaginary game with me. Teacher Li Xiaolai talked about the \”master key\” to solve problems in the \”Get\” column \”The Road to Financial Freedom\” and said: \”When you encounter a locked lock, don\’t stare at the lock, think about it. You should look for the keys somewhere else.\” Likewise, when your child is acting unreasonably, don\’t just think about how to get your child to stop crying. Thinking of ways to make children happy is a better way. Because people\’s attention is limited, a person cannot be happy and sad at the same time. If the child is crying and uses another thing to make the child happy, wouldn\’t the problem be solved? Pretend games are especially suitable when children make unreasonable demands, but they should not be abused. Parents should pay attention to assess the situation and judge whether the child\’s request is reasonable. If it is in line with the child\’s age characteristics or the requirements of the environment at that time, they may try to satisfy the child. For example, one time, we went to the park to play and found a sandpit with many children playing in it, but we didn’t bring any tools. There happened to be a stall selling them nearby, and Rooney said he wanted to buy them. My father disagreed and said that there were already many at home. Seeing that the child was about to cry, I hurriedly bought a set of beach toys and took the child into the sandpit to play. What I thought at the time was: since we are out playing, everyone should be happy. If the child starts crying because of this, everyone will be unhappy. Besides, the child’s request is not unreasonable. I saw other children playing in the sandpit. Having so much fun, who wouldn’t be excited? Instead of spending energy trying to comfort your child after he cries, it is better to meet his needs in a timely manner. In fact, even if children make unreasonable demands, such as eating candy before going to bed, eating ice cream in winter, buying gifts on non-holidays, etc., as long as we can bear it and the child is not harmed, we can occasionally satisfy the child to express our love. A little pampering is not a bad idea. The third trick: treat it coldly, ignore it, and let it vent. Usually, when we adults are physically exhausted and in a bad mood, we have no way to take care of our children\’s emotions. At this time, if the child is unreasonable and troublesome, you might as well take a cold approach, ignore the child, and do whatever you have to do. One weekend at noon, I was tired and sleepy and wanted to take a nap, but my child kept clamoring for me to play with him. I didn\’t have the energy to coax him patiently, so I lay on the bed and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, and let him roll on the floor and cry. Because I was so sleepy at the time, I fell asleep without realizing it. When I woke up, I found that he was also asleep next to me. When adopting a cold treatment or ignoring attitude, we must first control our emotions and not respond to violence with violence, otherwise it will be counterproductive and we will get angry and hurt our children. If your child is crying and fussing in public, it is best to take him away from the scene first and then treat him coldly. Sometimes, a child\’s crying is to attract the attention of adults. If we ignore it, he will find it boring and stop crying. I once saw a very interesting video on the Internet: a baby about two years old accidentally fell down while walking. When he was about to cry, he found that there was no one around, so he stood up on his own without crying. He saw his mother in the corridor, so he wandered over, pretended to fall and started crying, but his mother ignored him and walked into the kitchen, so he walked to the kitchen door again and repeated his trick, pretending He fell down and started crying, but his mother still ignored him and only focused on her own work. Finally, the baby gave up trying to get her mother\’s attention and went back to the living room to play on her own. Faced with a child’s crying, when we ignore itWhen doing so, you are actually telling your children: You have the right to vent your emotions, and you also have the ability to handle these emotions on your own. Allowing a child to heal himself while crying is actually good for his mental health development. I have a friend who has an optimistic and cheerful personality, a very good temper, and is very gentle towards people and things. I asked her how she did it, and she said: \”I can control my emotions very well now, and I am especially grateful to my grandfather. My grandparents took me with me when I was a child. Every time I was unhappy and cried and made a fuss, Grandpa would take me into the room and let me roll around on the floor and cry as much as I wanted. He would sit next to me calmly and wait for me to finish crying, never blaming me. Only when I grew up did I gradually understand that being able to Only by venting my feelings to my grandfather\’s tolerance and understanding, and then calming myself down, can I have the ability to remain calm now. If there is such a person in this world who tolerates and loves you unconditionally, I believe you will also have a good temper.\” Summary When a child is making trouble unreasonably, we can take three solutions: the first one: respond promptly and empathize appropriately; the second one: use imaginary games to divert attention; the third one: treat it coldly, ignore it, and let the child vent to his heart\’s content. It should be noted that no matter which method is used, parents are required to maintain a calm and peaceful attitude. As for which trick is more effective, you need to use it flexibly according to the child\’s characteristics, the situation at the time, and your own mood. Sometimes one trick may be effective, and sometimes you need to use several tricks at the same time. Sometimes, as the situation changes, As children grow and change, these tricks may no longer work. As parents, it is inevitable to constantly \”fight wits and courage\” with their children. Tricks are secondary. The most important thing is that parents truly love their children, are willing to spend patience and time for their children, deeply understand the reasons behind their children\’s behavior, and see their children\’s behavior. Need, lean down, feel and listen carefully.