To all mothers: If you want to teach your children well, please live well yourself first

Last weekend, I attended a parent-child therapy class. After a mother came to the stage, she said that her daughter in elementary school had begun to refuse to study, and was clamoring to play games and mobile phones in various ways. No matter what she said, the line of fire always opened up and both parties ended up losing, and they entered a completely frozen dilemma. . After hearing this, the teacher just asked the mother how she would evaluate her daughter. This mother has been complaining, saying that she has been exhausted from teaching, but her daughter still has various problems: selfish, willful, and ignorant. After communicating later, I learned that she was a full-time housewife with no career or hobbies, and the relationship between husband and wife was also very indifferent. The focus has been on her children for many years, but the more she transfers her expectations of perfection to her children, the more her children move in the opposite direction. When she urgently asked if there was any way to improve the relationship, the teacher had only one suggestion: Love yourself first and live well. If you live well, your child will be fine. When she followed the teacher\’s instructions and had a deep connection with herself, she burst into tears. It turns out that she has never lived her life well in these years. All her dissatisfaction with her children is actually a projection of her dissatisfaction with herself. A mother who is deeply dissatisfied with herself because of her inner scarcity, and cannot even live a good life herself, how can she expect to teach her children well? The less able you are to live your life well, the more dissatisfaction you will breed, and then you will fall into a vicious cycle. This is the source of pain. Because the mother\’s temper, mother\’s mood, mother\’s attitude, mother\’s behavior, sincere or false, optimistic or pessimistic, positive or negative, relaxed or heavy, children are the most sensitive test agents, and they can sense them all and then internalize them. Awareness. This understanding will profoundly affect children. Only when a mother loves life can her children be infected with this kind of happiness; if a mother lives a wonderful life, the children will bloom quietly; if a mother smiles like a flower every day, the children\’s brows will naturally stretch like spring. On the road of parenting, every day is like fighting monsters, but the real difficulty is never these monsters, but living well yourself first. I remember one time I met another mother in a hobby class, and her child resisted and refused to take dance classes. The mother tried to persuade her several times but to no avail. She couldn\’t bear it anymore and dragged her child to the bathroom and struggled with him. Finally, the child was subdued and dragged into the classroom with tears in his eyes. I observed the classroom and found that the child could not learn at all during the whole class. It seemed that he could not hear the teacher\’s various instructions, so he sat on the small bench until the end of get out of class. I chatted with the mother during the trip, and she was also helpless. She said that her child had been resisting and antagonizing her in various ways since he was a child. When he was most irritable, she even pricked him with a needle, but it didn\’t last long each time, and now even beating and scolding had no effect. In the past few years, I have been so busy with my children that I have become so exhausted that I have lost myself. However, my children have become more and more stubborn and resistant. \”Now other girls are learning dance, what will happen if she doesn\’t learn it alone? By then everyone will know it, but she won\’t, and when her bones become hard, she won\’t be able to learn it.\” The mother\’s face was filled with confusion. gloomy. What reflects behind this is actually her comparison, anxiety and attempt to control her children. Many mothers are like this too. They forget to live well for themselves first.Instead, he is entangled in the following negative ways of living: 1. A comparison style of living. My friend said that he has lived in the shadow of his cousin since he was a child. Every time, his mother would always make love to him and his cousin in a 360-degree manner. Various comparisons. He is disobedient and unwilling to learn his special skills, etc. What always lingers in his ears is his mother\’s bombardment question: Do you see why your cousin is so well-behaved, sensible and capable? His cousin has become his nightmare. So when he grew up, he said that sometimes even if he did something very well, he still doubted that he was not good enough. Other people\’s children are also the reference system for many mothers, but they have lost too much invisibly. 2. Living with anxiety I don’t know how many times I have heard the voices of various mothers: Why do you take so long to do things and are always so slow? Hurry up, hurry up, can you hurry up? How old is the child now? He will live to be 80 years old, and there are still more than 70 long years left. What are you anxious about? Why do children who are more anxious become slower? What are we afraid of? What can it bring to the children? Psychologically speaking, the mother is like a container to the child, able to contain various emotions and feelings during the growth process. As for an anxious mother, her container must pass on the same anxiety to her children. There is no way for children to resolve this kind of anxiety. What it brings is the resonance of negative emotions at the same frequency. This is a disguised form of tricking the child. 3. Controlling Living Method When her daughter was in the kindergarten class, her colleague had already sent her to participate in various children\’s modeling studies. She felt that her daughter had talent in acting, so she began to devote all her efforts to cultivating the child, spending a lot of money on the children\’s competitions, but she was very stingy on herself. The consequence of being aggrieved and devoted is to be more strict with children, regardless of children\’s unrestrained nature. Work, rest, study, and training must be according to her requirements. If they do not conform to her established pattern, they will be scolded. Under this high degree of control, children obviously lose a lot of agility and vitality. This invisible harm hides the shadow of the future. In fact, the host Dong Qing also admitted that after becoming a mother, she once wandered around her children every day and her thoughts were wandering. Later, she slowly figured out that she had to work hard to live a better life. She said: \”I don\’t want my children\’s world to be just me, and I don\’t want my world to be just my children.\” Her educational philosophy became very clear. : \”What kind of person do you want your child to be? It\’s very simple. Just be that kind of person.\” So what are the mothers in life who have the ability to live a good life usually like? Last time, I went to a friend\’s new home as a guest. The junior residence is simple and elegant. In the dark light is a light blue watercolor water lily painted by herself. The small balcony is decorated in a pastoral style and is full of green plants. She has taught herself various baking techniques and can make delicious cakes, decorated with seasonal strawberries and kiwis, which are delicious in color and taste. She invited the children to her home on weekends and taught them how to make chocolate lollipops with colorful jelly beans sprinkled on the outside. The children praised her. She loves to read, and there are books everywhere at home. She even keeps a book in her bag. Whenever she has a spare time to wait, she will read for a while. Her daughter studies ballet, and she has continued to practice yoga; her daughter paints, and she also signed up for adult watercolor classes; and she and her daughter read together.When she was reading, she had been attached to the book for many years. Her job is not easy. She is an accountant for a large private enterprise, and her working hours from 9 to 5 are extremely busy. When I was single, I had already developed the habit of integrating my hobbies into my leisure time. I continued to do what I liked and became a real \”lifer\” in my eyes. Therefore, her children\’s education has always been the silent influence of spring rain, because she has always been full of emotions for her own life, with love in her heart and light in her eyes. Children naturally acquire the enthusiasm for learning, experience the motivation to persevere, and feel the inner richness and richness of a mother. Of course, this does not mean that every mother must have all kinds of martial arts skills to live a good life. But we need to understand that mothers who live well have some common traits they display. They know clearly: We are independent individuals. If we want to teach our children well, we must first live our lives well. Therefore, we should never give up on our own growth, do not set limits on the various possibilities of life, and live out what we want in the way we like. look. In this process, the mother\’s vitality, vitality, lightness and relaxation are the best way to live. So how can mothers live a good life? You can try the following points: 1. Be spiritually independent and truly learn to love yourself. We have countless roles. The jungle of reality is full of thorns. Every mother is reborn after a disaster. Don’t No matter how harshly you criticize yourself for being such an almighty mother, which will lead to various feelings of guilt, you should have the courage to truly accept yourself, love yourself, and live out your life. 2. Think rationally and train your own optimistic thinking. Many times, our negative ways of living are actually caused by various pessimistic and irrational thinking. When we consciously use positive thinking to train parent-child obstacles that occur in daily life and find the light behind every shadow, we will find that various problems depend more on your cognition and your choices . And you are always free. 3. Be financially independent, cultivate your own hobbies and have a career or job that you love. It is not just material rewards. In this process, you also gain vision, knowledge and ability. These are the confidence to live well. In addition, having hobbies that you are truly devoted to in your spare time will greatly reduce your inner feeling of lack. I have discovered a phenomenon around me. The more mothers live a good life, even if they do not pay attention to their children all the time, the more harmonious the parent-child relationship will be. Such a mother releases openness, love and freedom to her children. Her mother\’s clothes are NICE and her temperament is hot. Her daughters are often dressed in exquisite clothes, with beautiful braids, which are clean and refreshing. The mother is motivated and loves to learn, and is well-read, and the family is full of books, so reading is often not a problem for her children. Mothers insist on running for fitness, and what affects their children is often the self-discipline, willpower and pleasure brought by exercise. It is rare to see a mother living a good life, but her child has all kinds of serious problems that drive the mother crazy. In fact, Xu Shen, a linguist of the Eastern Han Dynasty, explained \”education\” in \”Shuowen Jiezi\”: \”Teaching means giving from above, and it will be effective from below.\” \”Yu means raising children to do good things.\” It can be seen that the source of real education is actually ourselvesThe first is \”what you do above\”, followed by \”what you do next\”, and then \”make them do good things\”. In the same way, if we live our lives well and set a good example for our children, the children will naturally learn from it. Psychologist Fromm also said in the book \”The Art of Love\” that there are two types of maternal love: milk and honey. Milk symbolizes the care a mother gives to her children, while honey represents the love of life that a mother gives her children. The meaning of giving honey to children actually means that the mother is not only a mother, but also an independent individual. She should have love for herself, life and the world. Only this kind of love gives her the ability to love herself, let love flow to her children, and let love melt into the parent-child relationship. At this time, teaching children will only become simple and natural. Do you still remember Satya’s poem that once made countless people cry? Please love yourself before you love me/ Love me while also loving yourself/ If you don’t love yourself/ You can’t love me/ This is the law of love/ Because you can’t give/ What you don’t have I know mothers always want to give their children more and better love, but can we hug ourselves more and ask ourselves: Have we given ourselves enough love? Is our love enough to nourish ourselves? Because a mother\’s greatest love for her children is to live well. This is not just an instinctive stage, but also an \”iterative upgrade\” of active self-awareness. Start by loving yourself well, and improve your \”life style\” through awareness and growth every day. I hope all mothers can understand that only their own way of living is the best way to educate their children.