To mothers: Don’t let excessive guilt hurt yourself and your children

A friend once sent me a message: \”After reading your article, I found that I have made many mistakes in parenting, such as often feeding and watering my child while he is playing, which destroys his concentration; When he cried, he was not firm enough and often gave in. When he cried more, I couldn\’t help but yell at him and even hit him. Every time I read your article, I feel so guilty. Compared with you , I’m such a bad mother.” After reading this friend’s message, I said, “I understand your feelings very well. What mother doesn’t make mistakes? Don’t look at what I’m writing now to share my parenting experience with you. I feel so relaxed. In fact, since I became a mother, I have often been in this guilty mood.\” After Rooney was born, for some unknown reason, he has been suffering from allergies, ranging from eczema, bronchitis, childhood asthma to allergic rhinitis. Recurrent attacks, never getting a full night\’s sleep. While I felt sorry for him, I felt extremely guilty and often blamed myself for not taking care of him well. Six months after he was born, Rooney\’s eczema was at its worst. At that time, his whole body was covered with eczema, and he had no good skin. His face was full of water and ulcers, which was terrible to look at. That was also the darkest day of my entire life. After taking him to many hospitals and saying there was no cure, I was completely desperate. I couldn\’t sleep at night for a month. I scratched his itch and cried bitterly. I thought to myself, why am I so useless that I can\’t even take care of a child? I felt guilty and self-blame, felt that I could not do anything well, and completely denied myself. At that time, my self-evaluation had reached an all-time low. I was depressed all day long and wanted to commit suicide with my child. My husband had no choice but to take him back to his hometown and let his grandparents take care of him for a few months. After he was one year old, Rooney\’s eczema gradually improved, and I also came out of my depression. But thinking about the hardship Rooney had endured, the countless suicidal thoughts that had burst into my mind, and the days when I abandoned Rooney, I fell into guilt for him again. In order to make up for the mistakes I made before, before Rooney was three years old, I would accompany him wholeheartedly as soon as I got home from get off work and never helped my mother with the housework or did anything of my own. However, my excessive attention to him caused him to become more and more clingy to me. As long as I was at home, he would play with me, and I gradually felt that it was too much for me. Once, when I was taking a shower, he kept banging on the door and crying, asking me to finish washing quickly and play with him. It happened that I was in a bad mood that day. Stimulated by his constant knocking on the door and crying, I finally lost control and spanked him a few times. Afterwards, I started to feel upset and guilty again, and I hugged him and apologized constantly. It can be said that in the past few years of raising children, I have spent this kind of guilt. According to psychology, a healthy sense of guilt is the \”alarm\” of the soul and the emotional \”core\” of human conscience. It reminds us to take care of the interests and feelings of others and adjust interpersonal relationships, which is conducive to individuals adapting to social life. But too little or too much guilt is unhealthy. In the process of raising children, most mothers are prone to excessive feelings of guilt. The child is sick because I didn’t take good care of him, so I feel guilty; the child fell down, and I don’t take good care of him well, so I feel guilty.\”I got angry with my child because I couldn\’t control my emotions well and felt guilty\”… The reason, from an internal perspective, is that mothers demand perfection from themselves. We all hope that we can be a good mother, protect our children from wind and rain, and give them the best. But can we avoid making mistakes? Obviously it\’s impossible. We can\’t do it perfectly, and we certainly can\’t do it without guilt. From the outside, the current society’s high demands on mothers are the most important reason why mothers are more likely to feel guilty. With the improvement of living standards, we are no longer satisfied with raising children\’s food and clothing, but pay more attention to the cultivation of children\’s spirit and personality. This also puts forward higher requirements for mothers. They must not only be able to go to the kitchen and get out of the living room, but also be emotionally stable and have both sides. Open the Internet and there are many articles like \”A mother\’s emotions are the greatest gift to her children\” and \”A woman determines the happiness of three generations of a family.\” As a mother, every time I read these contents, I feel heavy-hearted. I feel guilty when I think about how often I lose control of my emotions when raising my children. I am afraid that my children\’s lives and the whole family will be ruined by me. This feeling of guilt is even more common among working mothers. Due to family economic reasons or their own pursuit of career, some women choose to work and leave their children to the elderly or nannies. Some even leave their children in their hometown and be separated from them for a long time. It is always difficult to take care of family and career at the same time. Choosing to work means losing part of the time and energy to accompany the child, especially in the first three years, the most critical period for the child\’s growth. If the mother is absent for a long time, it will indeed cause problems for the child that are difficult to repair. As a result, mothers are in the workplace and care about their families, and their hearts are often filled with anxiety and guilt. What are the consequences of excessive guilt for children? If you attack inwardly, you may have an unreasonable evaluation of yourself. In severe cases, it may cause long-term depression. Just like when I gave birth shortly after I gave birth, I attributed Rooney\’s illness to my failure to take good care of myself. I gradually felt that \”I couldn\’t do anything well\”, completely denied myself, and finally fell into depression and couldn\’t extricate myself. If it develops outward, it means overcompensating for the child. I spend too little time with my child, so I try my best to buy all kinds of fresh toys and snacks for my child; when I lose control of my mood and get angry with my child, I apologize to my child and give him whatever he wants, even letting him He can call me back… Excessive compensation leads to the shaking of boundaries. We can do things that we couldn\’t do before, and we can eat snacks that we couldn\’t eat before. As a result, the child\’s fundamental problem has not been solved, but has become worse, so we can\’t help but get angry with the child. Then, a vicious cycle is formed in the process of anger, guilt, compensation, and anger again. At the same time, children are extremely sensitive to emotions. If a mother is always feeling guilty, she will definitely not be happy. Sensitive children will blame their mother\’s unhappiness on themselves for not being good enough, not good enough, and not worthy of love. Over time, the child\’s self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of self-worth may be affected. As mothers, we can’t be completely guilt-free. In this case, why don’t we try to accept this situation?What about accepting your own imperfections? Although I often emphasize that as mothers, we must study hard and never stop \”growing\”, but in the process of trying to \”grow up\”, we must also learn to face our own limitations and shortcomings humbly. Instead of falling into the vicious cycle of anger-guilt-compensation-anger again, it is better to boldly admit your imperfections and limitations to your children. After all, the most precious thing to a child is not your perfection, but your truth. Rudolf Drakes, author of \”Children, Challenges,\” said: We are human beings, imperfect beings. Even those of us who are experts and scholars who study education often behave like ordinary people. When you make a mistake, the best way is to laugh it off, then move on, continue to better enrich yourself, and have the courage to accept your imperfections without feeling guilty afterwards. That is an unaffordable \”luxury\”. By admitting our imperfections, we will feel less guilty next time we get angry or make a mistake, and it will be easier to face our children\’s problems and stick to our own bottom line. We must firmly believe that in that moment, we have done the best we can and we are the best mothers we can be. As our children grow, we are always trying to do better. Problems that cannot be solved may be life lessons for children. As psychological counselor Lin Zi said, life is a practice. Everyone accumulates energy and wisdom through their own experiences, and the greatest accumulation is often hidden in setbacks and blows. Pain, beatings, separation anxiety… all of these are important topics for children to practice. Each child\’s life must be taken on by themselves. What mothers can do is believe in their vitality and accompany them instead of replacing them. .