To the kids: You get to decide which path to take

The first time in my memory that Xiaoduo choked us was last year when she was a little over four years old. The little one was procrastinating at breakfast, and her impatient father was afraid that she would be too late to go to daycare, so he yelled at her to move faster. Xiaoduo said: You yelled at me all day long. I worry about myself. You worry about yourself. Mum worry about herself. We were both stunned. Duoba\’s face, which had been tense just a second ago, suddenly relaxed, revealing a \”flattery\” smile, because he couldn\’t speak such authentic English. I was surprised by her early emergence of independent consciousness. We never said this at home, she obviously picked it up in school. The influence of Western educational concepts on her first emerged after she went to nursery for half a year, challenging our authority as parents. Another more determined challenge occurred on a snowy day not long ago. Duo\’s father went to pick up Xiaoduo from school. I was playing with my brother upstairs when I heard the door slam open, accompanied by Xiaoduo\’s sobbing. I had a premonition that something was not going to happen, so I rushed downstairs in a few steps, only to see Xiao Duo bursting into tears, followed by an angry Duo Dad. When I asked about the reason, it turned out that Xiao Duo had to take the icy road to go home because it was fun; Duo\’s father didn\’t allow it and had to drag her to another road. \”You are not my boss! I decide which path to take.\” Xiao Duo said, every word was pronounced, and the word \”Stubborn\” was written in capital letters on his face that was red from crying. She had just turned five and a half when she said this. We often see our own childhood in the process of raising children. Looking back, I was considered a very well-behaved child. My mother also praised me this way. I grew up with short hair and didn’t let it grow past my ears until I was in college because they thought I looked good with short hair. The rice is served in bowls, and adults help with the dishes. My academic performance has always been very good, and I almost never have to worry about my parents. Once I got sixth place in the final exam, and I secretly cried. I have been immersed in exams, and it seems that I haven\’t even had a youthful rebellious period. There is a kind of coldness called my mother thinks I am cold. Yes, this is a typical Chinese parent. \”Chinese-style parents\” is also included in the interactive encyclopedia as an entry. The joke goes like this: 5 years old: My child, I signed you up for the Children’s Palace. 7 years old: My child, I enrolled you in the Mathematical Olympiad class. 15 years old: My child, I enrolled you in a key middle school. 18 years old: My child, I signed up for you the college entrance examination assault class. 23 years old: Son, I will apply for civil service for you. 32 years old: My child, I signed up \”If You Are the One\” for you… Many of the generation born in the 1980s grew up in such a family environment. Your parents care for you wholeheartedly, worry about everything for you in every detail, defend you with soldiers, and cover you with water. They are afraid of every fall of yours and guard against even the slightest deviation from your path. You are walking on the path they set for you, and what you carry and carry is also their glory and dream. In China\’s \”single-plank bridge\” educational environment, values ​​are simplified, and our parents really don\’t have much room for choice. Wang Xiaobo cited it many times in his essaysRussell\’s words: \”Diversity is the origin of happiness.\” Wang Xiaobo, who advocates freedom, emphasizes that returning to individual diversity is in compliance with the law of natural development. In the Western environment where individualism is deeply rooted, everyone is an independent individual who is not dependent on anyone. Children\’s personality is magnified and their ability to think independently is respected. This can be seen just from the way children stagger around in the classroom or even lie on the ground. It is simply unimaginable for every child to sit in the same posture. When Xiao Duo was in nursery school, the teacher would send briefings to parents every day. Such a story was recorded in a briefing. The teacher told the children the story of the go-kart, and then handed out tool boxes and asked the children to assemble the go-kart in the story. All the children assembled identical go-karts according to the pictures, except for one child named Maya. She put together an airplane. The other kids laughed at her and said she was faking it. The teacher said Maya won because of her outstanding imagination and creativity. You can be different. Children have such values ​​since they were young. For most of us parents who grew up in \”collective values\”, we are both grateful that our children can have such a wide space for free expansion, but we are inevitably frightened by his \”disobedience\” and \”non-following\”. A friend\’s son is in high school. She is very worried about her son\’s rebelliousness. Every time she discusses different opinions with her son, he will say that she is an Oriental. His son once spoke Chinese to his classmates in an elective class. The teacher called him out and criticized him, saying that he should not speak Chinese and must speak English. Another classmate immediately apologized to the teacher, but his son got into a fight with the teacher, saying that the teacher was racist. The teacher \”asked\” his son out of the classroom, and his son reported the incident to the principal. As a result, the principal wanted to invite parents to come and talk. My friend thinks that his son has a lot of things going on. If he had apologized to the teacher, wouldn\’t everything have been peaceful? She reluctantly called her husband, who was working in China, over, and the two of them went to see the principal. What she didn\’t expect was that the principal didn\’t bother her at all, but said that if his son didn\’t like the teacher, he could skip the course and get credits. If a child is taught that he does not have to obey a collective authority, it means that he does not have to obey you as a parent. He doesn’t have to agree with your values, let alone succumb to your will. The road you have painstakingly paved for him, he may walk willingly, or he may not care at all, it all depends on his own choice. For parents who always want their children to be \”obedient\”, should we carefully guard against such a maverick behavior, or suffocate it mercilessly, or find a balance in confrontation, or compromise and let go? Long Yingtai\’s son Andre smoked. He wrote this in a letter to Andre: I watched you light up the cigarette, cross your legs, smoke, and spit out a cloud of blue mist; I can\’t wait to take the cigarette out of your mouth. Pull it out. However, I found that I said to myself in my heart, Mom, please remember, if there is an adult sitting in front of you, you have to treat it like all other adults in the world. You wouldn\’t take the cigarette out of your friend\’s or a stranger\’s mouth, and you can\’t take Ender out of his mouth.Li pulled the cigarette out of his mouth. He is no longer your \”child\”, he is an individual. He is an \”other\”. In his widely circulated article \”Wasting Life on Beautiful Things\”, Wu Xiaobo talked about his daughter who was studying in middle school in Vancouver. She originally hoped to apply for UBC and U of T, but because her daughter wanted to be a singer, he did it for her. Dropped out of school and returned to Shanghai to study music. He said that in this world, not every young person in every country, every era, and every family has the right to pursue the future they like. So if you\’re lucky enough, don\’t miss it. Xiao Duo was only five and a half years old when she issued her \”Declaration of Independence.\” She wouldn\’t let me pick up food for her. She said she would pick up whatever she wanted to eat. She resisted me adding clothes to her. She said she knew about hot and cold. When she read a book and read a wrong word, I interrupted and corrected her, and she said angrily: you broke my life. It is said that children aged 3-6 will go through a rebellious period of self-consciousness expansion, but after hearing Xiaoduo’s clear and clear expressions, After firmly establishing the theory of independent consciousness, I believe that \”independent self\” will definitely replace \”obedient\” and become the label of this generation of children, especially those who grow up in a Western education environment. Free choice is their natural right and is integrated into their blood; they no longer need to squeeze on the \”single-plank bridge\” because the development and tolerance of the times have given them more ways to go; they also do not need the \”collective value\” Identity, because they respect their own identity more. Existential philosophy believes that I choose, I am free, and I exist. Wu Zhihong\’s book \”The Kingdom of Giant Infants\” has always emphasized a concept, which is to live out the true self, rather than a false self wrapped up in collective values. He said that all his books and all his work are aimed at hoping that every life can become a better version of itself, rather than becoming a better version of itself. Because your true self is your best self. I agree with this concept very much, as Steve Jobs once said, \”Your time is limited, don\’t live for other people.\” To live your true self, you must be true to your own feelings, and as a parent, you must respect your children\’s feelings. Just like what Gibran said in the poem that touched countless parents, your children are not actually your children. . . What you can shelter is their bodies, but not their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, a tomorrow that you cannot reach in your dreams. I greatly admire Long Yingtai\’s open-mindedness in standing aside and not disturbing his son\’s boundaries, and I also envy Wu Xiaobo\’s ability to calmly support his daughter to drop out of school and waste her life on beautiful things. If time could go back to that snowy day when I went to pick up Xiaoduo from school, I think I would say to Xiaoduo: Baby, you can decide which way to go, and your mother will be with you.