Treating his adolescent son as an \”unreliable leader\”, his rebellion and study-weariness disappeared

When a friend mentioned his son, who was in sixth grade, he became very angry: \”If you don\’t let him do something, he will feel uncomfortable; if you say, \’Just do it,\’ he won\’t do it!\” It turns out! Some time ago, my son wanted to participate in a robot competition. He was worried that it would affect his studies, so he said he would wait a few months. My son didn\’t participate, he felt uncomfortable all the time, and he wasn\’t as active in studying as before. My friend also felt that he had done something wrong, so he signed up his son for the next competition and bought him the new robot he wanted most. However, his son stopped going now. \”It\’s okay not to go, but don\’t have this attitude. When you came back last weekend, you didn\’t say anything, locked yourself in the room, and refused to eat even if your mother told him to. Just ignore it, and then complained that we didn\’t care about him. Everything was fine before \”Why are you so naughty now? Do you think you\’ve been too pampered?\” I comforted my friend, \”Don\’t they all say, \’As soon as a child reaches adolescence, it\’s normal for parents to live more and more frustrated\’?\” Isn\’t it the same when you turn 18? \”Psychologist Piaget said: Adolescent children begin to enter the \”formal operation stage.\” They developed abstract cognitive abilities and began to use \”I\” as an abstract symbol to consider among the crowd. They will think about how they look in the eyes of others, what their value is, and their place in the world; but at the same time, their understanding of themselves and the world is still unclear. One moment, I feel that I am omnipotent, and the next moment, I devalue myself to nothing; the next moment, I see the whole world as my friends, and the next moment, I suddenly feel alienated from everyone… Facing adolescence, we as parents are fearful, worried, and at a loss. In fact, it is the same for children. They were also experiencing shock in their hearts. We call this \”shock\” \”rebellion\”, but psychologists say that using the word \”rebellion\” is too negative. This is a necessary process for children to establish \”autonomy\” – the ability to make their own choices and be responsible for their choices – and it is a good thing! 01 The \”confrontation\” in adolescence comes from the undelineated \”power\”. A few days ago, I came across a very popular video, saying that you can\’t imagine how \”humble\” parents of middle school and high school students are now: \”Children are watching from the outside When I came back, the parent asked, \”Is it cold?\” The child said, \”Why don\’t you go outside and try it yourself?\” Hey, he went into his room. Seeing that the child kept playing on his mobile phone, the parent asked timidly, \”When are you going to study?\” The child said, \”You know?\” Let me study and force me to do it; the parent asked, has the homework been finished? The child replied, I haven\’t finished it, can you do it for me? The parent said, this is English, and the child said, you have to memorize it. It\’s easy to say, if you want, you can carry it on your back! The parent said, go to bed early, the child glared at the parent, and then the parent had to walk away in despair…\” We say that it is a good thing for children to develop \”autonomy\”, but Put it into real life, but it is very \”grinding\”. Because the way teenagers establish their autonomy is often by \”confronting\” their parents. I believe that every parent of an adolescent child has had this experience: you ask your child to do something, but he doesn’t move. You heard that your child shouldn’t be too tightly controlled and decided to let it go, but you still don’t see him moving. Hurry! Finally, I have to start the \”yelling\” mode again… Parents will think,I respect your \”autonomy\”, but you have to \”manage\” yourself! The child\’s heart is actually: \”How do you know that I don\’t know? If you ask me this, do you not believe me? You have to tell me everything, so if I do it, doesn\’t it prove that I have to listen to you in everything?\” ? Why did you suddenly stop urging me? Are you testing me? How embarrassing would it be if I did what you expected? No, wait and see if you really trust me…\” This sounds childish. Right? But it’s a step that many children go through. Psychologist Li Songwei said that to establish autonomy, the first step is to define the boundaries of \”power\” and then to solve more specific needs. Parents\’ constant questioning, nagging, reasoning, or tentative \”democracy\”… will make children feel that they are not truly trusted and respected. They need to first confirm whether they are really recognized and really have the right to \”choose for themselves\” before they can think further: What is good for me? Even if there will be grievances, conflicts, and surprises during this process, even if they end up making the same choice as their parents, they must persist in the process of \”first reject, then embrace.\” This is why my friend\’s son is so naughty and would rather miss the game or go hungry than do the opposite of his parents. What adolescent children need most is the \”power\” to make their own decisions. With this kind of \”power\”, they can release the \”confrontation\” mode and better focus on self-development. As parents, only by understanding this can we look at their various \”bad\” behaviors more rationally. 02 Parents expect their children to be independent but forget to give their children the \”power\” to be independent. Children need \”power\”, but parents can\’t let go at all! The key to resolving parent-child conflicts in adolescence lies in how parents can \”willingly\” hand over power to their children in the face of so many unreliable \”confrontations.\” Regarding this contradiction, psychological counselor Chen Haixian told a case. He once received a family from Kochi. The parents were particularly anxious because the child was already in his twenties and was not yet independent enough. As soon as they came in, they talked about a lot of children\’s problems, such as lack of initiative, not socializing with others, and not being active in learning. Then, he also talked about how he started his own business, how he helped his children choose schools and majors, and how he sent his children abroad so that they could study with peace of mind. As for the child, he sat next to him and said nothing. Teacher Chen Haixian turned to the child and asked, \”My parents have arranged everything for you. Do you have any opinions?\” The child said, \”I would express some opinions at first, but my parents would say which school to go to and what to study.\” Professionally, they had consulted authority figures, as if my opinion didn\’t matter at all. Later, I didn\’t want to speak anymore, and slowly let them make arrangements. \”You see, parents have always told their children to be proactive and demanding. Positive, but reality is, they have been planning everything for their children. Under such \”care\” and \”arrangement\”, children do not need to make choices or decisions for their own affairs, nor do they need to make much thinking and effort. So where does the motivation and enthusiasm come from? This kind of life seems very smooth, but it makes the children lose everything.The most basic \”autonomy\” of an adult. In life, many parents follow this logic: Unless the child has shown this ability, there is no way for me to let go. \”If I let go, won\’t the child fall into the ditch?\” But they ignore this. Ability is never grown by oneself, but is honed through choices and experiences! If we are reluctant to let our children take risks and do not allow them to explore, how can they independently cope with such a complex and ever-changing society when they grow up? 03 Only by treating children as \”leaders\” can we better solve the \”problems\” of adolescence. So how can we not restrict the \”autonomy\” of children\’s development, but also prevent them from \”falling into the ditch\” due to immaturity in adolescence? Dr. Li Songwei proposed a particularly interesting relationship model that can not only satisfy children\’s need for \”power\” but also take care of parents\’ concerns – that is, treating the child as an unreliable \”leader\” in the unit. I believe that many people have experienced such leaders at work – bad tempered, immature, inexperienced, and often make wrong judgments, which affects everyone\’s interests – isn\’t this also true for adolescent children? ? By treating children as \”leaders\”, parents can better solve various adolescent \”problems\”: 1. Treat children as \”leaders\” and there are boundaries in parent-child relationships. Many adolescent parents cannot accept the changes of their children because they are not aware of the situation. , but psychologically difficult to accept. They didn\’t expect that the child\’s change would come so steeply and quickly. Why did that villain who used to rely on us for everything suddenly start to become \”independent\” and stop being close to us? ! But when we treat our children as \”leaders\”, it is easy to figure out: \”leaders\” should have their own circle and have their own things to be busy with! As a child\’s horizons continue to broaden and the circle becomes larger and larger, our position in the child\’s world will naturally become smaller and smaller. Although we are not used to it, we would not say to our leaders, \”Don\’t hang out with those friends all day long\” or \”Those are not good for you. I am the only one who is really good for you\” – that is too \”self-righteous\” , \”asking for humiliation\”, right? 2. Treat your children as \”leaders\” and the family atmosphere will be more harmonious. Another obvious benefit of treating your children as \”leaders\” is that you will find that your emotions are not so difficult to control. When the \”leader\” is slow, you want to go up and hurry up, but then you think about it, this is rude, I can\’t yell at the leader! Maybe other people’s “leaders” have their own ideas? When the \”leader\” makes a mistake, you want to teach him a lesson with the tone of a person who has experienced it: \”Look, I told you earlier. If you don\’t listen, you will regret it now.\” But you hold back – After all, we are leaders. We can\’t lose our temper or lose face with our leaders, right? Even if there is something really wrong with the \”leader\’s\” decision, no matter how uncomfortable we feel, we are embarrassed to speak out. You have to say supportive words, \”It doesn\’t matter, I will have experience next time\” and \”If there is anything you need me to do, just ask.\” You see, it is harmonious all of a sudden… 3. Only by treating children as \”leaders\” can we more appropriately support children. Treating children as leaders does not mean that we have to nod and bow to the leaders, butIt is to provide \”support\” to leaders as a \”collaborator\” and \”community of interests\”. In the past, we would be anxious whenever something happened to our children, but now, when we think of the other party as the “leader,” we can only communicate in a respectful and peaceful manner: “Leader, let me tell you my opinion on this matter. , for your reference. \”If he says, \”This is not what I want,\” you don\’t dare to completely deny it. You can only go further and say: \”Or, I have a plan here, what do you think?\” We only provide opinions, the real decision-making power lies with \”leaders\”. When we communicate, does it reduce a lot of resistance? What leaders care about most is whether we respect them enough. In fact, so do children. Treating children as \”leaders\” can help us put ourselves in the correct position and truly treat them as independent individuals and take them seriously! Parents often think that raising children is much harder than working. But if you turn your children into \”unreliable leaders\”, you will find that these communication skills are not difficult. What is difficult is that we change our concepts and get used to treating children with equality, patience and respect. If there is a way that we can run our family well just by using our skills in the workplace, why not do it? !