Trust is the best gift parents can give their children

Have you ever heard of the story of \”The Kingfisher Moves Its Nest\”? Kingfishers initially like to build their nests in high places to avoid disaster. After the chicks hatched, the kingfisher felt that the nest was too high. It was afraid that the chicks would accidentally fall, so it moved the nest lower. After the bird grew feathers, the kingfisher liked it even more, but became more and more worried about the bird\’s safety, so he continued to move the nest downwards. After several attempts, passers-by saw that the bird in the nest was very beautiful and easily caught it. After having children, we unknowingly become \”Kingfisher Mothers\” and we always have a heart that can\’t let go of our children. When I was a child, I was afraid that my child would be hungry and cold, so I couldn\’t help but do everything for me. When I got a little older, I started to worry about my child\’s study, friends, and habits… so I always wanted to give more instructions. An old saying once said: \”Love is too earnest, worry is too diligent; although it is said to love, it is actually harming it; although it is said to be worried, it is actually hatred.\” Once love loses its sense of proportion, it will only turn into harm. Excessive worry is a curse. Psychologist Chen Mo once talked about his personal experience in a speech. She once met a child in the second grade of elementary school who refused to eat school meals and had to bring cookies and snacks to school every day, so the child\’s mother came to her for help. After some exchanges, we discovered that since the first day of school, this mother has been asking her children constantly: \”What did you eat for lunch today? What ingredients are in each dish? How was it cooked?\” Even with tomato scrambled eggs, you have to ask your children \”Whether there are more tomatoes or more eggs?\” It is precisely because mothers are too concerned about their children\’s eating issues and are always worried that their children will not eat or eat well at school, so the children gradually stop eating. There is also a girl in the first grade of elementary school who behaves quite strangely. Whenever a boy comes even slightly close to her, she starts crying non-stop. When a boy talks to her, she tilts her head to one side and is determined not to sit at the same table with a boy. The teacher thought the girl was strange and suggested that the girl\’s mother see a psychiatrist. After talking with the girl’s mother, teacher Chen Mo discovered that the problem also lay with the mother herself. Out of concern for her daughter, this mother kept chanting in her ears since she was a child: \”What should you do when a boy bullies you; what should you do when a boy wants to hit you; what should you do when a boy wants to bully you; when a boy wants to hit you, what should you do? What should you do when I choke you…\” As time went by, the girl became more and more frightened, and then problems arose. Teacher Chen Mo said: \”If a mother is very concerned about something, the child will get into trouble sooner or later.\” Murphy\’s law also tells us that the more you worry about something, the more likely it will happen. the greater the probability. Because every time you worry, you are transmitting anxiety to your child. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! Your constant worries and instructions are hinting to your child: You are picky about food, you need protection, and you can’t do anything without me… Your child will continue to strengthen these negative hints in his heart., becoming more and more nervous, timid, and unwilling to believe in themselves. As a result, they have no confidence in doing anything, and naturally they cannot succeed. As a result, the more you try to avoid something, the easier it is to manifest it in your child. As psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: \”If a certain degree of worry is full of love, then excessive worry is equivalent to a curse.\” A mother\’s excessive worry and fear weaken the original power of a life, causing constant trouble for the child, and gradually Becoming vulnerable and powerless. Just like the kingfisher mother, because she was worried about her child, she eventually pushed her child into a greater tragedy. Excessive worry can suffocate children. A netizen on Zhihu once told his own experience. Growing up, the words she heard most often were \”no, no, no, not safe.\” When she was 18 years old, she wanted to go mountain climbing with her friends, but her mother said: \”Do you know how many people fall to death on such-and-such mountain every year?\” When she got to college, she had to report to her mother every time she went out, and she had to report it every year. Call or send a location report within 1-2 hours to report that it is safe, otherwise you will receive a series of bombardments. In the WeChat group at home, my mother always posts articles related to \”jumping off buildings, committing suicide, and female college students being deceived and being exploited for money.\” As she grew older, she became increasingly resentful and disgusted by such attention. In this atmosphere every day, she even felt that the world was dark, and she began to become fearful and suspicious, and finally began to suffer from insomnia frequently. Many times, parents’ starting point is love, but when it comes to their children, this love has evolved into control. What the child feels is not warmth and happiness, but great pain and struggle. Wang Zheng, a doctor of psychology, once treated a boy who was in college. When the boy arrived at school, he would feel dizzy, uncomfortable, and inexplicably irritable. I saw many doctors and took many medicines, but nothing worked. After a period of contact, Wang Zheng discovered that the boy\’s symptoms were actually related to his mother\’s excessive concern and excessive interference. His mother would ask him every day, \”How are you today? Are you happy today?\” Even if he went to college, she would still ask him, \”Did you eat well at school? What clothes did you wear every day?\” In short, she was always around her son. , not giving him any space or freedom. So the boy always sighed and felt that there was no point in living. When a mother\’s worry loses its boundaries, it will only cause psychological burden and stress to the child. It is natural for mothers to worry about their children, but worrying too much is accompanied by overstepping and over-control. In the book \”Parents and Adolescents\”, this kind of parents is called \”helicopter parents\” – ranging from trivial matters in daily life, eating, drinking and sleeping, to work arrangements, marrying and having children, they are hovering over their children\’s heads all the time, keeping a close eye on their children. Pay close attention, constantly confirm the child\’s condition, and be ready to intervene at any time. Under this kind of parenting method, children have no self and will only feel suffocated and hopeless. They cannot make decisions for themselves, nor can they face difficulties and failures in life alone. They will always be \”children\” psychologically. Just like a bird that has never practiced spreading its wings, it will never have the power to fight in the sky. Trust and letting go are the most precious gifts for children. Self-media person Liu Na once said that always worrying about your children is the best way to treat your children themselves.The suppression of letters also stifles children\’s abilities. Because the essence of excessive worry is distrust of children. Because we don’t believe that children can do well, we need to do everything on behalf of children. But in fact, when you give your children enough love, trust and expectations, the children will give us different surprises in return. Writer Luo Yijun told the story of her daughter in her book. When she was a child, she was worried that her daughter would watch too much TV and eat too many snacks. She could not help but remind her: \”It\’s time to turn off the TV and don\’t eat too much candy…\” Later, her daughter set up a \”consent day\” with her. , no matter what request her daughter makes on this day, she must agree unconditionally. She thought her daughter would take this opportunity to watch TV and eat candy without restraint, but the result was beyond her expectation. My daughter was very self-disciplined that day and told her: \”Why don\’t you believe me? I can control myself and won\’t keep watching or eating.\” Adults often underestimate children\’s potential, then over-protect and restrict them, and finally Let the children who should be confident doubt themselves and gradually become incompetent. As Dr. Gilboa once reminded parents: \”Whenever you have the urge to solve a problem for your child, remember to take a step back.\” Only when the mother steps back can the child have room to grow. A principal who has been engaged in education for many years is helpless with his daughter\’s learning and growth. She is strong and has planned her daughter\’s future path early. In order to find a better school for her daughter, she worked hard and asked her daughter to transfer to another school one after another. But my daughter\’s enthusiasm for learning became less and less intense day by day, and her grades plummeted. Her daughter\’s transformation came after she learned from the painful experience and gave her autonomy back to her children. My daughter independently completed the application for overseas schools, chose her favorite fashion design major, successfully passed the exam, and received admission notices from several schools. After graduation, her daughter quickly started her own business and established her own clothing brand. When her daughter breaks out of her arrangement, everything is moving in a better direction. At this time, she completely understood that her worries about her daughter were completely unnecessary and were even hindering her daughter\’s growth. She thinks she has the ability to choose the path of life for her children, but she forgets that trust and letting go are the most important attitudes for parents. Lu Qin said in \”Good Parents, Good Children\”: Trust can give people a strong sense of responsibility, fully tap potential and release energy. A child who is fully trusted will have a strong belief that \”I am good, I can do it, and I can do it\”, so he is often mentally strong and fearless. Psychologist Chris Meno has said that when children don\’t have enough space to face problems alone, they don\’t learn to solve problems. If you chase the child to feed him, the child will not learn to eat on his own; if you are afraid that the child will fall and get injured, and will not let him do this or play, the child will not have the ability to take care of himself; if you are anxious to help your child resolve conflicts again and again , the child will get used to relying on his mother; you are worried that the child will take detours and plan everything for him, and he will never be able to take responsibility for himself. After a hard pregnancy in ten months and giving birth to a child, we can\’t help but worry about him. But in fact, the things we worry aboutProblems are precisely the gifts for children to grow up. Children need to accumulate experience and learn to make choices through constant attempts, explorations, mistakes, and error corrections, and then become a truly independent person. What we have to do is to love him, trust him, and guide him. As for the future, we still have to leave it to him. Stabilizing yourself like a Dinghai magic needle is a mother\’s greatest support for her child.