Tsinghua professor: How to accompany your children to grow up to be better

Dong Qing once said in \”The Long Reader\”: Companionship is a kind of power. In this world, if you lose companionship, you lose the meaning of survival. But what is the purpose of parents spending time with their children? The purpose of accompanying children is actually to enable them to become independent one day. Yesterday I took Dabao to play in the sand at the playground. While playing, I saw a mother who kept talking about her child, speaking more slowly for a while. \”Don\’t get sand in your eyes.\” After a while, he said, \”How did you play? Look, there are sand on your clothes.\” Then he said angrily. Why are you climbing so high? One moment he threw you down, and the next moment he said, \”Who asked you to play with water and sand? Look at how dirty your clothes are.\” I bring you out to play, not for you to get dirty. collection! Download the full set of 108 compulsory courses on how to accompany your child\’s growth. In short, while the child was playing, the mother kept nagging and paid attention to the child all the time. Rather than paying attention to the child, it would be better to interfere with the child\’s freedom and make the child lose the ability to explore the outside world. On the other hand, the mother next to me told the little girl the moment she jumped into the sand that she could play with the sand as she wanted. But remember three points. The sand is for playing. Keep it away from your eyes, nose and mouth. As for the rest, you can play as you want. If the clothes are dirty, just wash them at home. After hearing this, the little girl went to play happily. During the process of playing in the sand, my mother didn\’t call her once. I watched the little girl take a bucket of water and pour it into the sand to make a model. One day, he dug a big hole and buried his feet. The other time, he buried his toys and said he wanted to hunt for treasure. In short, he had a lot of fun. Sometimes when I come up with a new idea, I quickly ask my mother to take a look. My mother then cooperates and says, wow, honey, your idea is great. I looked at the little girl and found that she was dirty all over, but her mother never criticized or interfered throughout the whole process, only affirmation and companionship. Let me ask, if we were children, would we most hope to be like a second mother, accompanying us but not interfering with us? Just like when a child starts to learn to walk, if we often noisy her, why does she fall down again, or you see her falling down and soiling her clothes again. Will the child continue to bravely learn to walk despite falling? Obviously not. I will be immersed in my parents\’ accusations and not want to continue trying to walk. But if we keep encouraging her, baby, you walked along the sofa for a long time today, so brave, and now you can walk on your own. Or we accompany her and pick her up when she falls. When children learn to walk, we all understand that falling is just a process, so we naturally accept the process of children falling. She will not stop learning how to stand and walk just because she falls. We will accompany her because we know that the purpose of accompanying her is to let the child learn how to walk through trying and falling. Mrs. Neary once said: The road must be walked by oneself to get wider and wider. Children must rely on themselves to explore their own learning path and walk their own life path. Only in this way can we cultivate independent and responsible children. In life, we often say that we should accompany our children to grow up, but our companionship, just like the first mother, has turned into excessive interference. Always accompanyingInstill in children experiences that we think are right, let them play with our ideas, and blame them if they don\’t listen. This kind of interfering and accusatory companionship is called excessive companionship. Excessive companionship will cause children to lose their sense of independence. At the same time, it also prevents children from gaining their own successful growth experience when exploring the outside world. What kinds of phenomena will occur in children if parents spend too much time together? 1. Excessive companionship will lead to children not being independent and responsible. When encountering problems, they will first think of their parents and ask their parents to help solve the problem, instead of thinking about how to solve it themselves. If your parents are not around, you will be at a loss and feel like your whole world has collapsed. For example, many children now grow up and get married, but they still feel at a loss when something happens and ask their parents how to deal with it. If parents say, \”You have grown up and you have to figure it out on your own,\” and the child will say, \”I don\’t know what to do,\” then the parents will complain later. This child is already in his thirties, but he still comes to me whenever something happens. He never thinks about what to do and is not independent at all. As everyone knows, it is not that the child does not want to be independent, but that the parents have interfered too much in the child\’s life and choices in the past, causing the child to have completely lost independence and the ability to make correct choices. 2. Cause children to be overly dependent on their parents. Excessive companionship will cause children to be overly dependent on their parents, such as doing homework. Some parents sit next to their children to accompany them as soon as they do homework. As time goes by, children will feel that homework is for their parents, and they will stop doing it when their parents are not around, and go to play with other things. As parents, in order to allow our children to grow independently and not develop the habit of over-dependence, we should give our children freedom and space within boundaries. Let the children try and make mistakes, and finally grow up independently. 3. Cause children to be very rebellious. Excessive companionship will make children very rebellious, that is, they will not do whatever you ask them to do. He always contradicts you. You may still be able to control him when he was a child, but after adolescence, he will be completely out of his parents\’ control. Challenge your parents or demonstrate to declare your presence. The word companionship seems simple, but in fact it is profound. For children, it is even deeper. Because too little companionship will make children feel insecure, but if parents accompany them too much, children will lose their freedom and spirit of exploration. So what should we do to properly accompany our children to grow up healthily? 1. Respect the child, give the child space and freedom. Respect the child, give the child freedom and space. Don’t interfere too much with the child. Just be at ease and accompany the child. In the past, like many mothers, I interfered with my children, especially when the child was playing on the slide, her head would fall down for a while. After lying there for a while, I told him not to fall down, and for a while I asked him what to do if his clothes were dirty. The child pouted after hearing this. Later I found out that the child was still like that, so I just calmed down and just washed the clothes if they were dirty. I just lay there with my head down. The child did that because he felt it was safe, so I didn\’t care. When I don\’t interfere too much, the child has a great time playing. From time to time, he learns a new skill and asks me to check it out, hoping to get my attention. At this time, I willEncourage and affirm the child. She will be very happy after receiving my encouragement and affirmation, and she will have even more fun. Psychologists once said: Family education runs through a child\’s life. It affects the child step by step. The ultimate goal of all education is to make the child an independent and responsible individual. 2. Treat ourselves as children and play with our children. Playing with our children does not mean that we sit there bored and play with our children, but we join in, treat ourselves as children and play with our children. Because what children need is sincere playmates, not casual perfunctory behavior from parents. Now that you are with your children, put down your mobile phone, engage with your children peacefully, and play with your children. Just like now, as long as I go out to play with my children, I put my phone in my bag and focus on accompanying my children wholeheartedly. When I focus on accompanying my children. My side is always filled with the joy and laughter of children. I think, isn’t this the best childhood gift that parents can give their children? 3. Accompanying should be for the purpose of making children independent. Accompanying should be for the purpose of parents making children independent, rather than interfering and preaching to children all the time. Interference and preaching will eventually make children give up independence and exploration, and end up with no interest at all. . Just like before, I saw a case of a little boy fishing in a book: The little boy liked fishing very much, but one time he met a fishing master. This experienced old man wanted to help him catch more fish. He has been guiding him by the side, the fishing rod is higher, then higher, stop, don\’t move, lift the rod immediately, oh, this won\’t work. Come on, I\’ll hold your hand. The child finally threw the fishing rod away and said, I don\’t want to fish at all, and I will never want to fish again. The book \”The Best Parenting Is to Let Children Be Himself\” once wrote: We will never understand that our enthusiasm will extinguish the enthusiasm of others, and our good intentions may make others very disappointed. You have been endlessly giving methods that you think are very correct, but you don\’t know that it will bring inconvenience and trouble to other people\’s lives. A parenting expert said: Accompanying children is like cooking. If the food is cooked under low heat, it will be undercooked, and if it is overheated, it will be simmered. Mastering the heat of accompanying children is an essential skill for every parent.