What are the psychological defects of children from divorced families?

My good friend Xiaowan and her husband have different personalities and often quarrel in front of their 3-year-old son. They have just gone through divorce procedures. Xiaowan said that although the divorce was amicable and ugly without tearing up, Xiaowan was still a little worried. Will her son be affected in the future? Now that her son is with Xiaowan, she is more worried, which is understandable. But I told her that your idea is really outdated. Children who grow up in divorced families will definitely be affected to some extent, but it is not necessarily all negative! Xiaowan said that she often saw single mothers raising their children. In the end, not only did they live in poverty, but they also failed to take care of their children well. They dropped out of school and jumped off buildings. It\’s not that her worries don\’t exist. I also know that such situations will occur. After all, children who grow up in divorced families also have common characteristics, but when exposed, they may be two extremes. The first extreme is that children are particularly rebellious. Because there is a lack of discipline from the mother or father, and the other parent feels that the child has been mistreated, they start to compensate and dote on the child in various ways. They buy the child whatever they want and rarely restrain the child. The children also feel that their parents owe them a debt and become more and more rebellious, refusing to listen to anything they say. Anyway, if you don\’t satisfy me, you can go to your father or ask for it. In short, you can go against your parents in every way. I became very irritable and had a strong sense of inferiority. I felt that my parents\’ divorce had made me like this, and I was full of resentment towards society. The second extreme is that children are very sensible. This kind of sensibleness can be divided into \”real sensibleness\” and \”fake sensibleness\”. Really sensible children grow up in an environment where their parents are harmonious even if they are separated. They can understand that their parents are no longer together for some reasons, and they need to be more sensible and help their father or mother share housework or bear some pressure. Children who pretend to be sensible are filled with self-blame and think that their parents separated because of them, so they become cautious and overly please, but they cannot fully accept it in their hearts. Such children, even when they become adults, usually live an unhappy life. When encountering something, they will reflect on themselves, criticize themselves excessively, and feel that everything they do is not good. Even if you have a family, it is difficult to handle your relationship well and get rid of the influence of your family of origin. Xiaowan said that it is hard to imagine what the children will be like in the future. In fact, they basically all have sensitivity in common. It is inevitable that they will look at families with both parents with envy. But there is no need to be too pessimistic. I told Xiaowan that, in fact, there are only two harms to children caused by divorce. One is that children have no right to know and parents do not tell their children. Why should they divorce? The child thinks, is it because I didn’t do well? Am I not worthy of having a father and a mother? Another point is that there are no transitional rights. From a family of three to a life of two, he didn\’t have a chance to make the transition. He moved, changed schools, and had to start everything over in just a few days. These two injuries are also difficult to avoid. If parents can communicate with their children in advance, some of the injuries may be reduced. I told Xiaowan that the separation of parents is not necessarily harmful to the children, but the time when you argue every day is more harmful to the children! Think about it, a child who is ignorant,How does it feel to live with your parents\’ quarrels every day? If we really can\’t live together anymore, separation may be a good choice, both for each other and for the children. You\’ve made yourself comfortable, and your children won\’t see their parents quarreling anymore, right? Therefore, what really causes harm to children is a family that lacks care. The father does not love the mother and does not care about the child. In such a family, how can the child grow up healthily in body and mind? Xiaowan felt somewhat relieved after hearing what I said. She felt that since she was divorced, she should take good care of her children, not think so much, live a good life seriously, and give her children a good growth environment, which is the most important thing. Yes, even after divorce, if you can do the following points, you can reduce the harm to your children, and you can even have a good parent-child relationship. 1. Don’t speak ill of each other and don’t embarrass your children. No matter who your child is dating, you should not say bad things about the other person, because divorce is an adult\’s decision and has nothing to do with the child. You should not tell him about the relationship between you. You know, in a child\’s heart, father and mother are equally important people. 2. Confess your previous experiences to your children. For example, you can talk to your child about how you met the other person, how you got the baby, and other little things in life. Let the child know that his parents love him very much and that the days before were also very happy. 3. Communicate with your children when something happens. If your child has been with you and encounters some problems at home, you should communicate with him and let him have the experience of being a master. For example, you can talk to your children about what furniture you want to add to your home, where you want to move, and whether you want to start a new relationship, etc. The well-known celebrity Faye Wong is a good example. Even though she was divorced twice, she still raised her children well. Both Tongtong and Li Yan know that their parents are getting divorced, but they are still confident and lively. Even after separation, they will interact frequently and understand that divorce does not mean that the sky will fall. Their parents\’ love for them still remains. exist. I always believe that families that can have a negative impact on children are not single-parent families, but dysfunctional parents. Even if two people are not separated, they both pay little attention to their children or often quarrel. How much pressure do children who grow up in such a family have to bear? Therefore, single-parent families are not \”scapegoats\”, so don\’t worry too much. Give yourself and your children more confidence, and life will get better and better!