What are the ways to cultivate children’s independence?

We all hope that children\’s emotions can develop and mature, but children\’s emotional development goes through five stages. If each stage is not fully developed, emotional maturity will be compromised. For example, in the emotional stripping stage, we accidentally create obstacles for children… [Full two seasons] Zhang Yiyun, a doctor of psychology, children\’s emotional intelligence class mp3, teaches you how to raise children with high emotional intelligence. Children\’s emotional development will go through five stages Stages: Emotional symbiosis – emotional stripping – identifying emotions – managing emotions – sublimation of emotions. Among them, emotional separation refers to the fact that children can separate adults\’ emotions, especially their mother\’s emotions, from their own emotions at the moment an event occurs, so that they are not affected by adult emotions. For example, when playing in the water, the child has a lot of fun, but the mother is a little angry about the child playing in the water because she is worried about the child\’s health. At this time, the child can feel that happiness is his own emotion and anger is his mother\’s emotion. He can feel that his emotions are independent of his mother\’s emotions. Therefore, emotional stripping is the first step for children to become independent. Many of us cannot come out of a state of emotional symbiosis precisely because we have not developed well in the stage of emotional detachment. When a child loses a toy he just bought, he feels sad inside. At this time, the mother was particularly angry, thinking that the child did not take care of her belongings, and vented her anger on the child. At that moment, the child was in a state of great fear and was unable to separate his emotions. Instead, the superposition of sadness, anger, and fear resulted in an unreal cognition: I am very bad, making my mother so angry. . Therefore, it is particularly important to help children detach from their emotions. How to do it specifically? Let me give you an example. One night, I heard my wife yelling at my daughter from her room, the sound was very loud. \”The teacher just asked me to remind you, can\’t you sit still?\” \”Do you think it\’s easy for me to take care of you like this? I won\’t serve you anymore.\” Using the word \”serve\”, I felt special at the moment A feeling of guilt arose. As an adult, if it weren\’t for the accumulation of everything, if it weren\’t for the accumulation of emotions, there wouldn\’t be such a big explosion. A large part of the responsibility here lies with me. I had to hurry over and see what was going on. My son was pulling my clothes behind me. I looked back and saw the frightened look on my son\’s face. Here is what we need to pay attention to. When there are some problems between us adults, or between other people, especially between family members, quarrels start as soon as emotions arise. In fact, the child will be frightened at that moment, and he has a burden. If you don\’t do some stripping for him in that burdened state, he will soon think that this matter has something to do with him and that he needs to bear this matter. Without stripping, he has no clarity, so he has no chance of independence. I immediately told my son that the problem was between my mother and my sister and had nothing to do with you. Then I told him that I was going to help them solve the problem now to reassure him. When I say this, it actually gives him a sense of security. When my son heard what I said, he returned to the living room with relief and continuedDo his thing. I hurried to my daughter\’s room. I went in and saw my daughter already sitting there shivering. I quickly went over and hugged her. At that moment when I held her, I could feel her great fear. The wife scolded her for a while and left. Anger is a huge amount of energy, and people cannot remain in such a high-intensity state of releasing energy. After my wife left, I still held my daughter and said nothing. After a long time, I felt that she was no longer shaking, so I said, \”Did your mother scare you by scolding you like this?\” My daughter nodded while crying. What I said was actually to express my daughter\’s psychological feelings at that time. My daughter was in great fear and couldn\’t even cry. When I said this, she felt understood and her emotions began to flow instead of being locked up in her body. I went on to say, \”Actually (this) has nothing to do with you. This is mom\’s emotion.\” When I said this, my daughter cried louder: \”Why is she always like this?\” Her emotions came out. I said: \”In the environment where my mother grew up, whenever she was emotional, no one listened to her, and she did not get good support.\” I described my wife\’s state to my daughter, on the one hand, I wanted to help her I understand my mother, but on the other hand, it also proves that my mother\’s emotions really have nothing to do with her. My daughter cried for a while and got a little better. I then told her: \”Actually, dad is also responsible for this.\” I shared with her frankly, and I said: \”There may be a lack of communication between my mother and I during this period. When she is accompanying you, I feel like there are too many things going on and the pressure is a bit high.\” My daughter immediately asked me: \”Will you get divorced?\” She asked this, which showed that she had returned to a rational state and would no longer stay in her emotions. In other words, She has separated her own emotions from her mother\’s emotions. That\’s why she asked us if we would get divorced. This was a conversation she had with me on a cognitive level. I said: \”No, I love my mother very much, and my mother loves you very much, but we have less communication during this period. I will communicate with my mother later. But at this moment, you are the most important!\” I told her this When I finished speaking, she hugged me tightly. This process is actually to help children with emotional stripping. There are several key points: 1. Allow all emotions to occur and protect children from further harm to adults’ emotions; 2. Describe the child’s psychological feelings and let the child’s emotions flow out; 3. . Tell the child \”This is mom/dad\’s emotion and it has nothing to do with you.\” Help the child peel off the emotion and make the child independent; 4. Try to help the child see the root of the adult\’s emotions and allow understanding to occur. My daughter was already 9 years old at the time, so there was no problem communicating with her in this way. If the child is still young, then when we solve the problem, we need to listen to the child\’s emotions first, so that the child knows what emotions he has and what is wrong with him. This approach is to help children recognize emotions and learn to recognize them.