What are the wrong parenting styles?

On January 1, 2022, the Family Education Promotion Law was officially implemented. This is a great thing and a milestone for improving the family education capabilities of our parents and promoting the healthy growth of children and adolescents. The law particularly emphasizes that family education must respect the laws of physical and mental development of minors. However, many parents are not aware of this, and as a result, many inappropriate educational concepts and practices have emerged, which have had a negative impact on their children. Today I will share with you some of the most common misunderstandings about parenting. If you are reading this article, you may wish to treat it as a short journey of comparison. If you happen to be among them, this may be a good opportunity to revise your concepts and adjust your practices to better protect the healthy development of your children. When you first hear the word \”psychological control\”, you may feel a little unfamiliar. Next, I will list some phenomena and practices, so that you can have a deep understanding of how common this method is. The first phenomenon – the characteristics of guilt-based parenting behavior: parents make their children feel guilty by hurting themselves, or emphasizing their own contributions, grievances, etc., so that they obey their parents\’ words. Controlling quotes: \”It\’s all because of you that I\’m like this.\” \”If it weren\’t for you, how could I be so miserable?\” \”I\’m working so hard, isn\’t it all for you?\” Some parents will make their children feel guilty by hurting themselves. . I previously recorded a parenting program \”Don\’t Underestimate Me\”, and one mother\’s approach was very typical. When a child cannot carry something on his back, his mother will slap him in the face. What is the child\’s reaction? In the words of this mother, she was \”very frightened.\” The child feels that the reason why his mother is like this is all because of me, and I must recite it quickly so that his mother will not hit him. Some parents transfer their problems onto their children. The mother told the child that I was out of shape and gave up my job in order to give birth to you. Are you worthy of me if you are still so disobedient? The father told the child, I work so hard every day just for you, will you use this achievement to repay me? Children feel that the sins and sufferings suffered by their parents are all caused by themselves, and they must be obedient and get good grades, otherwise they will be sorry to their parents. Must-read parenting books for parents recommended: Don’t Think You Understand Your Child’s Heart e-book download The second phenomenon – behavioral characteristics of withdrawing love: Parents’ love for their children is conditional. When the child meets the requirements, I will love you; no If you meet the requirements, I will not love you. Control quotes: \”If you don\’t obey, I won\’t love you.\” \”I will love whoever is good, you or your sister.\” \”Why are you so embarrassed to play when your final grade is so bad?\” The child thinks the grade is good or bad. is a key factor. A girl in the second grade of junior high school told me that her parents didn\’t love her at all. I asked her why she said that. When she said her grades were good, her parents greeted her with smiles and wished they could agree to any request. If her grades are poor, her parents will treat her coldly, and the contrast is huge. \”What they love is not me as a person at all, but my scores.\” This situation is very common in families with many children. \”Sister is so good. Mom likes good children the most.\” \”My brother is such a good boy. He doesn\’t always put things away like his brother. Come here, daddy, give him a kiss.\” Parents.The original intention may be to supervise the child, but what the child feels is: Mom and Dad love me conditionally. I must be as good as my sister, otherwise, my mother will not love me; I cannot put things around like my brother, otherwise , Dad doesn’t love me anymore. The third phenomenon – Authoritative and arbitrary behavior characteristics: Parents control everything about their children on the grounds that \”I gave birth to you\”, including the children\’s thoughts, behaviors, decisions, etc. Because I gave birth to you, I have the final say. You cannot and do not have the right to say \”no\”. Controlling quotes: \”I am your dad, you must listen to me.\” \”There are so many reasons why, it won\’t work if I say no.\” \”What do you know as a child? Just do what I say.\” Parents don\’t Know how to empathize with your children and only focus on what you want. Enrolling children in interest classes is not based on the children\’s interests, but on what the parents think is good. When a child chooses a major, it is neither what the child likes nor what the child is good at, but the unfulfilled wish of the parents. Under the authoritarian authority of parents, children have no right to speak. At first, the child wanted to fight, but after being suppressed too many times, he gave up his efforts. Such children have been suppressed for a long time and find it difficult to express themselves when they grow up, or to express their true selves. No matter what kind of psychological control it is, the essence is that parents fail to treat their children as independent individuals and fail to separate from their children: If the child is good, I will be good; if the child is not good, I will be bad. Just like many people entering middle age, they are not comparing themselves, but whose children are more promising. Psychological control may achieve the results parents want in the short term, but it is detrimental to the long-term development of children. Some children have learned a please-kind relationship style and always fall into self-blame; some children work hard and feel that they do not deserve to live unless they are excellent; some children suffer from \”hollow disease\” and do not know what they really want.