What are you hiding in your \”anxiety\” about your children and your \”efforts\” for your children?

The parents of a \”problem boy\” were often invited to the school for talks. This boy is talented and smart but has no ambition, always falls behind in his grades, and no matter criticism or encouragement, it always has no effect on him. Even with one-on-one tutoring on topics he didn\’t know, he looked absent-minded, as if nothing around him could arouse his interest. As an experienced colleague has said, \”Behind every problem child, there is a problem family.\” After talking to his mother, she learned that his parents had already filed for divorce, but \”for the sake of their children, they haven\’t told him yet.\” Every time we talk about the child\’s problems, the mother always complains to the teacher. The child is fourteen years old, and the mother is a certified public accountant with a very busy job and a good income. But she still helped the boy prepare everything in life, including underwear, fruits and dinner every day. \”It\’s like he can\’t see my hard work at all, just watching me work like a top every day as a matter of course.\” My mother complained like this every time she came. \”His father comes back every day, and his son doesn\’t care about anything. He just watches TV, plays games, and eats whatever his son has. It\’s tiring for me to take care of a son. I have to take care of such a son, just for The son can see his father every day.\” Usually when she says this, the mother starts to wipe her tears and says, \”Teachers, please help me judge. I do this to my son every day, and he doesn\’t live up to expectations or appreciate it at all. What am I doing for that? ?\” Then, as usual, the older teacher put a tissue on the mother\’s face, comforted her, gave some quick suggestions on how to help her children, and said that we should not give up our efforts for the sake of our children. After several such invitations, the mother often took the initiative to come to the school to find teachers. But the teacher who taught in his son\’s class began to worry about the mother\’s visit. Why? Because the conversation was the same every time, the child still behaved the same way after she left, and no effect was seen in the child\’s daily life after each conversation. On the contrary, the mother and the teacher became more and more familiar, and the mother complained more and more about the child\’s father, the family, and the child. Sometimes I even felt that she came to complain to others and cry bitter tears instead of trying to solve the child\’s problem. The problem. Is this mother working hard? It’s really hard, whether it’s working to earn money or taking care of children! And she was really anxious. She was divorcing a man who showed no sense of family responsibility, but she still lived in the same room for the sake of her children. Not only did she have to bear the responsibility of the children\’s daily life, but she also had to take care of her \”ex-husband\” by the way; the children\’s academic performance It\’s a mess, no matter how much you ask for tutoring, you can\’t see any improvement; and the child is fourteen or five years old, but he seems to only have the self-care ability and emotional intelligence of a six-year-old, and he doesn\’t feel sorry for his mother\’s efforts at all… It is really enough for a woman to live like this. It makes people sympathize. But after hearing her complain for nearly two years, why is she still the same? Why doesn\’t she change? After thinking about this question carefully, we can see the problem with this mother. Divorce but not leaving home, in the name of the son needing his father; but has the father brought a positive effect to the child? Not at all! Two people liveIn the same house, my mother complained every day and often quarreled with my father. Why can\’t the father of the child leave completely? Because this mother is afraid of taking on the responsibility of raising her children alone. This responsibility may not be financial, because her income is enough to support her child\’s study and life. According to her crying, the child\’s father did not give her any financial support. Because there are various problems with the child\’s academic performance and living ability, she is afraid that once the child\’s father leaves, the child will still be like this, and others will say behind her back: \”Look, the child can\’t do well without his father. You can\’t educate him well alone.\” Child.\” She was afraid of taking on such a responsibility. Therefore, after divorce, I would rather maintain the original living conditions and \”maintain the status quo\” without moving, even making myself more tired and harder to \”bear the humiliation and burden for my children\”. I am also afraid of breaking the original \”old order\” and starting to Create a new life state. Is her anxiety about her children and the hard work she has put in for her life useful? Obviously, there is none. A depressed mother who nags and complains all day long, an indifferent and idle father, and a family without love between parents will not bring positive education and influence to the children at all. Everything this mother does is not so much \”for the sake of the children\” as \”to tell myself that I have tried my best.\” She is trying her best to maintain the image of a \”good mother\” and \”good person\” for herself. If her children are not motivated, she is inconsiderate. Her husband is ungrateful because he doesn\’t care about the children. It seems that everyone around her feels sorry for her. When you reach the end of a road and find it is a dead end, then go back and find another road; still hit the south wall hard and get a bloody head, just to tell everyone, you see, it\’s not that I don\’t work hard, I tried my best! Nor can I wipe away my tears, get out of the dead end, and find a new road for myself. The process of finding a new path is definitely full of hardships and hardships, but it is better than doing nothing at all! Only with change can there be hope, and with hope can we find a way out! Practice has proven that there is no way to go, so why continue to work so hard and in vain? Preferring to maintain the illusion of \”I work hard\” but being afraid of trying to change and being afraid of taking responsibility for the decision to change is the biggest problem for some people who appear to be \”hard-working\” and \”anxious\”! They dare not make their own decisions. They are subconsciously afraid of trying again and failing, but they are also afraid of the blame of others, so they can only act like \”working harder\” and \”more anxious\”! Timid, cowardly, afraid to try, and afraid of responsibility are the true colors of these \”good people\”. The fear of making mistakes and facing failure again cannot be a reason to stay put. This mother came to the school to understand her child\’s situation and talk about her troubles and difficulties. In fact, she just wanted to be recognized by others – \”Look, I have worked very hard, and there is really nothing I can do about it.\” Use this method to make excuses for your timidity. When you give her more suggestions: move out with the child or let the father leave, she will tell you \”I think it will be better for the child if the child can see his father every day\”; let his father take more responsibilities, She will tell you, \”He just won\’t do it. If he works harder, I canDivorce him?\”; Let the child do things by herself, don\’t do everything, she will say, \”The child is so lazy, I can\’t do anything about her\”… This mother will give countless reasons and tell her to make suggestions for changes. People who are in the current situation really have no choice. What they are now is the result of hard work. For such people, advice and comfort are redundant. I always believe that \”there are always more solutions than difficulties.\” When one method cannot solve the problem Sometimes, if you continue with this failed method, the longer you persist, the farther you will be from your goal. I believe that a mother who is self-reliant, does not nag and complain, and has proper education methods can raise an equally excellent child. And now the child There is no exchange and communication with parents at all, and I cannot feel the warmth of the family and the care between members, which is why I am now indifferent and indifferent to everything. Change and try are the most efficient ways out, of course, change is also possible If you fail again, then try in another direction. The courage to try and the hard work of practice will always allow you to find the direction that suits you. There is also a pair of parents who opened a studio and are their own bosses and are very busy at work. Their son in junior high school himself Go home with the keys, eat, and do homework (or surf the Internet). Soon, the children can\’t keep up with the progress of school, skip school, lie and stay online all night, and don\’t go home or go to school every day. Parents are on the phone, anxious and painful , crying and complaining to the teacher about how the child was working against her. The teacher asked the parents about the situation and asked how the child could have so much money when he went out to play. The mother told the teacher that because the child eats by himself, he gave the child 100 yuan a day, etc. When I came home from the studio, it was already after ten o\’clock. I didn\’t know what the child was doing in his room. The teacher told the parents that such an old child has no consciousness and lacks the ability to self-manage. The child has already developed problems. If he treats the child like this again Indifference will destroy this smart child. The child needs companionship, parents need to be involved in his life, and parents need to devote time and energy to teach the child self-discipline in the company. However, two months have passed, and the child\’s condition Still no change. The teacher asked the child, and the child said that his parents still gave him money to eat by himself, and he worked until midnight every day before going home. His mother would only pull his clothes and cry, and his father would kick him. When communicating with the child\’s parents, in addition to I heard complaints such as \”What can I do to him?\” \”I have said both good and bad things to him.\” There is no other content. Looking at the WeChat Moments of the children\’s parents, they show that they are diligent in work and treat others well. They are super caring and patient, and they also participate in charity activities. Children need their parents to accompany them through the confusion of adolescence. I think such a pair of high-minded parents know such a simple truth. They cry, nag, scold, and hit. Taking scolding as an education replaces the responsibility of parents to accompany them. They turn a blind eye to what they should do and use busy work as an excuse. They only let everyone see the phenomenon of worrying and anxious about their children. With all due respect, it is hidden in this \”work hard and serve the children\”. The phenomenon of \”saving money for your child\” and \”I tried every means to educate him, but it just didn\’t work\” is a hypocritical shirking of responsibility. A child is a living individual, and he will not remain static as you wish.Not moving in a certain state. You are not willing to spend time and effort to enter his life; you are not willing to understand his thoughts and find the right method; you are even more lazy to keep trying and working hard on the road of learning to be a parent. Then, your \”hard work\” appearance cannot possibly serve as a role model for your children in life! Children\’s problems are usually parents\’ and family\’s problems. Being a parent who dares to face problems, is not afraid of trying and failing, and grows together with your children is your child\’s happiness.