What destroys a home is not complaints or internal friction, but these \”cognitive traps\”

A few days ago, a mother confided to me: Since becoming a mother, she has become less and less able to control her temper. She said: When tutoring her children with homework, she would lose her temper because he made a mistake in writing a word; she would scold her husband when she saw him lying down playing with his mobile phone at home; every time she complained to her husband that he did not help share the burden, his words of \”take care of him\” \”Family is what you should do.\” This can directly make me burst with negative energy… Listening to her words, I really feel the same. As a mother of two, I feel like losing my temper all the time. I wanted to scold my children when they were disobedient, and I would complain when I was too tired from work… Later, when I found myself gradually being swallowed up by my emotions, I suddenly realized that some families who were \”not doing well\” actually fell into a cognitive trap. . If you are not vigilant, you will be controlled. Especially these five traps, if we can wake up early, we can prevent family strife. Raising a child only requires the mother\’s efforts. Many of today\’s children live in a \”mother\’s world\”: when the child is just born, the mother gets up all night to take care of the child until she has panda eyes, while the father is sleeping soundly next to her; when the child is older, she wants to He asked his father to accompany him, but he pushed the child to the side: \”Good boy, go find mom, dad is so tired at work.\” When tutoring homework, mom was so angry that her blood pressure soared every day, but dad waved his hands to the shopkeeper in front of him, but he could say calmly from the sidelines : \”Can\’t you teach well? As for forcing children to be like this?\” Nowadays, in many families, it is just the mother who works hard to raise children. As everyone knows, when a mother\’s sense of giving is very unbalanced, it hurts the child and the entire family. On the one hand, it drags down the mother: Excessive efforts make the mother lose her value and self-esteem. A mother who is overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness can easily become an emotionally irritable person. On the other hand, destroying children will cause various problems and situations as the scapegoat in family relationships. The absence of a father leads to personality defects in children: low self-esteem, sensitivity, cowardice, etc.; children are prone to emotional disorders: such as depression, anxiety, and lack of security. I once read a sentence: Husbands and wives can be changed, but fathers and mothers are for life. No one can let go. Educating children is a joint game, and parents are the most important teammates who support each other. yes! Reciprocal contribution can bring about a win-win situation for the family. Director Ang Lee said this when he won the Oscar for Best Director: Housework still has to be done, because home is not a set. Apart from his role as a director, Ang Lee is also a husband and father at home. While his wife is busy at work, he puts on his apron, makes breakfast for the family, changes the children\’s diapers, and plays with them. In his spare time, he and his wife go to the vegetable market. When he won the Oscar for Best Director for the second time, his wife said to him: No matter how many statuettes you win, you still have to do the housework you should do. No matter how outstanding your parents are outside the home, they must put aside their halo at home and assume corresponding functions for the family. Only the dedication of the same channel can lead to a happy family. Losing your temper at will creates internal friction. Writer Liu Shuxia once told a story. A mother was wronged outside. When she came home, she kept complaining to her husband and made such a fuss that her husband rushed out of the door. Later, she saw her son laughing while watching cartoons, and she began to scold her son again: \”After you finish your homework, why don\’t you read a book? One day is overI only watch TV at night, no wonder I haven’t made any progress in my studies! \”The son felt very wronged at the time. He had done nothing wrong, but his mother yelled at him, and tears burst out unconsciously. Seeing her son crying sadly, she realized that she had treated her son as a misunderstanding.\” \”Punching bag\”, and regret it endlessly. Many parents have a kind of \”do whatever they want\” emotionally and cannot control themselves. As long as they are a little unhappy, they like to vent in front of their family members. However, people who cannot control their emotions will plunge the family into a \”spiritual execution ground\” \”, constantly creating internal friction in each other\’s venting. In the end, children are raised who are full of internal friction: either they try to please their parents in order to gain their love and lose themselves; or they learn the behavior of their parents and have a bad temper and cannot control their emotions. One netizen said: My father has a bad temper, and my mother is always the victim. I try to dissuade her every time, but when things are beyond my control, I will also be very anxious, so I will be very anxious. In the end, I became an irritable person like my father. Children are the receivers of their parents\’ emotions. When their parents are upset, their children will immediately become alert; when their parents relax, their children will immediately feel happy. Only emotionally stable parents can succeed. Children. In the TV series \”Pi\”, Jiang Tianhao has an enviable parents. His family was originally in a good situation, but was bankrupted due to poor management, and his parents were still facing a debt of 100 million. But faced with this dilemma, Jiang Tianhao. Hao\’s parents did not complain, argue or sigh, but used a very good attitude to think about solutions, reopened the store and started a new business with their own hands. Jiang Tianhao became optimistic and confident as he grew up with stable emotions. The sun is warm. The greatest virtue of a family is not to be angry or irritable. Providing a \”healthy\” atmosphere for children is a blessing for their lives. Relationship misalignment: Pay attention to the relationship between parents and children, and ignore the relationship between husband and wife. China Daily conducted a survey. : \”Which one do you think is more important, the relationship between husband and wife or the relationship between parents and children?\” More than 70% of people think that the relationship between parents and children is more important. A similar survey was conducted in Shanghai: \”Which role do you value more, father or husband?\” Which role do you value more, mother or wife? \”The survey results show that: 50.7% of fathers value the role of \”father\” most, and 29% of the respondents value the role of \”husband\” most; 61.8% of mothers value the role of \”mother\” most, and 21.3% value \”wife\” the most. This fully shows that in most Chinese families, the parent-child relationship takes precedence over the relationship between husband and wife. This has led to many abnormal family relationships: parents and children can be very close, but husband and wife are strangers to each other. . I once saw an example. A couple was arguing, and the children were trying to stop them, but it was of no use. The wife started to have a cold war. Later, for a long time, the couple used the children as a \”talking point.\” . When the child pays school fees, the wife asks her son to ask for it from her husband; when there is no living expenses, she also instructs her son to tell her; when the husband cannot find clothes, he also says to his son, \”Ask your mother where my clothes are.\” In this way, the couple. The relationship between the two became increasingly cold, and it was extremely uncomfortable for Bei to be caught between them.Liu Changming, the principal of Beijing No. 4 Middle School, once said, \”Anyone who puts their children first will often have tragedy waiting for the family.\” The relationship between husband and wife is the root, and the children are the leaves; only when the roots grow well can the tree flourish. . The poem \”The Fountains of Rome\” reads: The water poured upward into the marble bowl above, and overflowed into the bowl below. Water gushes out of the second bowl and flows into the third bowl. Each bowl receives and gives, calm and alive. The relationship between husband and wife, parent-child relationship, and parent-to-parent relationship are like the first, second, and third bowls of marble bowls. If the relationship between husband and wife is good, the love from both parties will flow to the second and third parties accordingly, making the whole family enveloped in love. Love without mistakes is the best order and wisdom for a family. Being picky and not fond of praise may be a common problem in many families: the child\’s handwriting is a bit sloppy and scolded; if the child forgets to do something when he is told something, he is scolded as a \”pig brain\”; he accidentally knocks over something when doing housework. Tea cup, parents harshly criticize \”a wimp who can\’t do anything well\”; the child promises to get 90% on the exam, and the parents sarcastically say: Forget it, I don\’t expect you to do well in the exam… Maybe it seems ordinary in the eyes of parents One sentence can damage a child\’s self-esteem bit by bit. Blindly criticizing and criticizing is poisonous to family relationships. Because when you say to the other person, \”This is not good, that is not good,\” the child will attribute all mistakes to \”I\’m not good enough.\” This long-term self-denial will lead to two consequences: the child will either Resist in extreme ways, or become extremely inferior. Zhou Yijun, the director of the documentary \”Childhood in Hometown\”, once exposed the inferiority complex hidden in her bones through the camera. She said: Someone always tells me that this is wrong and that is wrong. Since she was a child, her parents have often picked on her and never seriously praised her once. To this day, when she thinks of her childhood, she feels a sense of pain. Cai Kangyong once said: \”The purpose of criticism is to impress the other party so that the other party can realize their mistakes and get back on the right track, rather than belittling the other party.\” Parents should examine their children from multiple angles and treat every child as a human being. He is the \”perfect child\”, appreciate him and let him grow up with love. Emotional Neglect: Never “seeing” a video a child sees online. The content of the video is: A little girl complained that her father \”neglected\” her. The girl said: When I feel happy, my father says: \”Why are you so happy? Have you done your homework?\” When I feel scared, my father says: \”What is there to be afraid of at home?\” When I feel sad, my father Said: \”Stop crying, hold back the tears.\”… Although this is a joke, the \”dad\” in the video is very much like us: he talks about \”loving his children\”, but he ignores his children all the time. Sometimes, something we think is insignificant can inadvertently cause emotional neglect to a child, causing him some psychological trauma. Child behavioral psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld has discovered through more than 40 years of research that parents see behavioral problems such as rebellion, aggression, and bullying in their children, but they do not see the inner desires hidden behind the behaviors. There once was a 16-year-old boy who reached the rebellious stage and would eat two meals a day every night.I didn\’t get home until three o\’clock. When his mother educated him, he said: You never know how to care about me. After hearing this, my mother was very angry: We don\’t care about you. We feed you, clothe you, and depend on you for everything. What else are you dissatisfied with? The boy started crying and complained: Have you ever traveled with me? You are busy at the parent-teacher meeting, so you say my matters are not important. He promised to take me to the beach after the final exam, but he failed to fulfill his promise… The boy\’s rebellion is actually a language: he hopes his parents will take him seriously. For a child, every word and deed he says is a kind of \”internal help\”. If parents cannot understand it, the child may lead to deviant behaviors: rebellion, seeking attention with rebellious psychology; low self-esteem, depression, and failure to get love. Feeling \”abandoned\”; afraid of being disliked, with a low sense of worth… A good parent-child relationship must start when parents know \”what the child is thinking.\” When he is happy, we need to understand his excitement; when he is sad, he actually needs someone to accompany him; when he makes a mistake, we may need to say \”Although you made a mistake, your feelings and you are still important.\” Therefore, parents are not only their children’s guides, but also their children’s best “psychologists”: playing with them, making them happy, but also getting into their hearts, standing in his shoes, thinking about them, and achieving mutual understanding. Affection. If your child is unhappy, ask him: \”Baby, can you tell me something?\” Pay attention to every \”negative emotion\” of your child so that we can integrate with your child\’s emotions. Writer Munir Nasuf said: \”The true happiness and joy of life are immersed in intimate family relationships.\” Good love will nourish the family, but wrong love will drive people away. As family members, we should not use \”self-righteousness\” to hurt our families; as parents, we should not use \”excuses\” to restrict our children. Parents\’ perception determines the fate of the entire family. If we want to have a close family, we must learn to: resonate with the same frequency and make two-way contributions to make the family full of love; be friendly and cheerful, so that the family is full of warmth; role circulation, let love flow freely; full of expectations, let each other achieve each other; leave it to others. A harbor for the soul, conveying love to the heart. Integrating love into life will allow your family to see more happiness.