What do you owe your children? Don\’t cry after reading this…

Since studying child psychology, Dan’s mother has received countless consultations from parents complaining about their children: children with poor grades, children who are rebellious, children who fight, children who steal money, children who are embarrassed… It seems that in the eyes of parents, children are just heinous white-eyed wolves. Recently, two children have been opened. Some parents who hate that iron cannot become steel simply give up on the first child who was not taught well and start a second child! Every parent of a \”bad\” child is puzzled. Human beings are inherently good at birth. Why do other people\’s children grow up to be angels, but my children turn into demons? Angry parents are like chefs, holding a piece of meat at their disposal, cutting it into pieces, marinating it, simmering it over low heat, stewing it over high heat, adding oil and vinegar all the way. Seeing the dish is almost out of the pot, taste it. After tasting it, he was dissatisfied. He threw the bowl and said, \”Why did it end up like this! What a waste of time!\” Growing up, I was given whatever I asked for, and I was raised with a lot of shit and piss, but now I\’m not as good as me. You know, if the teacher scolds you when you go out and your relatives find it objectionable, you pat your chest and point to your child with peace of mind and tell others: \”Mud can\’t hold up the wall. I\’ve tried my best and I don\’t owe him anything!\” Huh? Please think about it carefully, do you really owe your children nothing? We often say, \”It takes ten years to grow trees and a hundred years to grow people.\” Many parents really regard raising children as planting trees. They think that as long as they eat enough, get enough sleep, get enough sunshine and exercise, they will be able to reap what they sow. This way of raising a child can indeed give you a strong child with a great body and delicious food, but don’t point at the flesh on the child and wonder why the child has no brains or heart. I never praise my children, but I always blame them for their lack of self-confidence; I never listen to my children, but I always blame them for their poor expression skills; I never take my children to play, but I always blame them for sitting at home playing on the computer every day; I never tell stories or read to my children, I never read books, but I wonder why my children don’t like to read; I never restrain my anger when I’m angry, and I beat and scold my children, but I get angry at my children. Where did I get my bad temper? Cook with heart, and the children will grow into meat after eating; accompany, teach and guide with heart, and the children will grow up with a heart and a brain~ The real family tradition is not \”taught\” to the children, but constantly puts forward requirements for ourselves. \”Taught by example\”. A father once said that his child was unmotivated and asked me to talk about it. When we talked about the relationship between hard work and the future, the child said to me seriously and doubtfully: \”But my parents don\’t have to work hard every day, and our family is doing well.\” \”Yes.\” After asking about it later, I found out that his parents made a living by collecting rent… This father didn\’t owe his children anything, he owed them guidance, example, and an example. Once when I went to the community, a mother asked me for advice. Her child was in the second grade of junior high school and did not want to go to school. I advised her not to take it seriously. If the child does not want to go, even if he is taken away, he is still a zombie. It is better to go home and have a good chat and see. Did the child encounter something at school? However, the child’s mother said that she was busy with work and that she had a second child who had just given birth the year before, and the baby needed more care. Moreover, even if they went back, they would have nothing to say if they sat together… I asked when she stopped talking to the child, and she thought After thinking about it, let’s say that in the third and fourth grade of elementary school, the child doesn’t seem to need her that much anymore. She looks for a nanny for meals, a tutor for studies, and friends for play. In the past, I felt that there was nothing wrong with her. Finally she said:\”A child of such a young age needs to be fed and clothed, so what worries can he have?\” Would adolescent children not have any worries? Don’t you need to care about the older children who don’t have to take care of food and drink? Many times, when we are trying to figure out the psychology of our children, we seem to have really forgotten how we grew up: when we were young, we stayed up all night because of misunderstandings between friends, were at a loss because of our parents’ quarrels, and felt wronged by the teacher’s unfounded accusations. Crying; how can we in adolescence be anxious due to the competition to enter a higher school, panic about menstruation, and be confused by ignorant secret love… When the child is hungry, you give her food, but when the child is worried, who listens to her? If a child is in trouble, who will accompany her? This mother only remembers that the child has flesh and blood and can be hungry and sleepy, but she forgets that the child has emotions and can be confused and heartbroken. Many times, we tend to forget our own \”growing pains\” and ignore a child\’s real situation and needs. This mother doesn\’t owe her children anything. What she owes is understanding, understanding, and listening. Some time ago, a community social worker gave me a child who was said to be \”no one can control\”. During the counseling, I showed him a picture book on emotion management. When he saw the word \”picture book\” on the back cover, he suddenly asked me in surprise: \”This is a picture book?!\” I said yes, and he immediately told me a story about a picture book that he heard in class in second grade. , and said that he liked it very much and it is still unforgettable. I asked him if he had told his mother to buy him a copy? The child who was excited just now suddenly became depressed. He said that he had said it before, but his mother dismissed him with one sentence: \”This kind of book is for children!\”. After hearing this, Dan\’s mother was not only amused, but also panicked in her heart. Not to mention that the child was only in the second grade at the time, even if he is now in the fifth grade, isn\’t he still a child? Besides, some picture books like \”Grandma Hua\” and \”Love Tree\” can be read by a 99-year-old. Later, due to the extreme uncooperation of the child\’s parents, Dan\’s mother was unable to continue following the case. But every time I think of that child\’s innocent appearance when telling me about the picture book, I can\’t help but sigh deeply. A good child was ruined like this. If his parents could understand more about the benefits of picture books and reading, and learn more about parent-child communication skills, perhaps this child would follow a different path and lead a different life. Just imagine, how many children are misunderstood because of their parents’ ignorance; walk alone in the dark because of their parents’ rudeness; and perish at the beginning of their lives because of their parents’ ignorance. Parents should be the biggest \”noble people\” in their children\’s lives, but due to ignorance, they become the biggest \”evil people\” in their children\’s lives. Every time a child cries or makes a fuss, there is a reason for it; every child\’s growth and change has a pattern, and every word and action in interacting with the child has skills. Parenting is not a trivial matter in life, but a professional project that requires learning and wisdom. Everyone can cook. Some people\’s dishes are just \”cooked\”, while some people\’s dishes are delicacies. The difference is not due to luck, but the result of learning. The same is true for parenting. Whether it is positive discipline or non-violent communication, the more you learn, practice, and summarize, the better you will be inThe more comfortable you are in parenting, the more your children will benefit. Gordon, the founder of Parent Effectiveness Training, has a famous saying: Parents should not be blamed, but should be trained. You can ask your nanny to cook food, and you can ask a teacher to teach you knowledge. But as long as you have education, no one can do it for you. We always complain that children don’t like to learn, don’t reflect, and don’t like to revise. As everyone knows, in parenting, what we owe our children most is learning and reflection. We always say that children are ungrateful, but we forget how much comfort we have brought to them by yelling; we always say that children owe us, but we don’t know how much we owed them in childhood: when they need company, we We chose mobile phones; when they needed comfort, we chose to be perfunctory; when they needed help, we chose to blame. We always say, don’t let your children lose at the starting line, but little do we know that we are our children’s starting line. In this life, we can become mother and son, father and son. This is a fate that transcends husband and wife. Don\’t talk about debt anymore. Parents are kind, so why is it difficult to be filial? The answer to every child\’s problem can be found in the parents. If you change, your child will definitely change.